Sperm Donor = good ONS , short relationship = bad on MN

[Peedoffo]

I'm just wondering about MN logic They regularly seem to say get a sperm donor like it's a good choice if you haven't been able to meet someone in a timely fashion. I'm not meaning to be goady I'm just wondering the logic , an ONS/ short term relationship is deemed to be a disaster and she should terminate. The woman has at least chance to claim CMS and her child will have a documented father. Not all men are bastards. Why is a ONS/ Short term relationship pregnancy deemed to be bad compared to a sperm donor?

Was OP supposed to just magically materialise a willing couple of gay friends who she had known forever and trusted completely or was she just supposed to pick a random stranger and commit to copareht with them forever?

God what a stupid question...

Read the threads on here about men fighting for full custody, creating drama, being a negligent parent, becoming abuse once the women gets pregnant, saying they’ll be there and then not turning up, refusing to allow their child to go on holiday, constant arguments, using the child as a weapon, taking the child to live in a different country without the mother’s knowledge etc etc.

These of course can happen with a partner you’ve known a long time but there’s more chance of them happening if you’ve not known them that long.

They are an equal parent to your child, regardless of if it’s a 20 year marriage or a ONS.

A sperm donor does not have an equal right to your child.

i would have to see that to believe it. I am pretty sure someone would have said ‘if you don’t meet anyone there’s always sperm donation’

I don’t believe it’s quite how you made our. And one person on one thread, is nothing. That’s not what was implied in the post.

You do realise gay people aren’t queuing up to give a straight person and baby and share parenting with them, don’t you?

When I embarked upon solo parenthood by choice, I used to read 'single parents' forums to see what insight I could glean, and it quickly became apparent that my situation was completely different. Almost all the challenges people raised related to issues dealing with the other parent, really stressful and upsetting and sometimes abusive situations.

A known donor creates complex issues too.
If they don't want to be a father that can be confusing/ damaging for the child. If they're part of the mother's social circle the child may grow up knowing the person which could be really weird.
If the donor does want to be a father you have all the complexities of co parenting g and potential step families etc.

I had a baby out of a short relationship (think weeks). We're not a couple but he's a great dad. I was 36 so time wasn't on my side. It wasn't planned but it's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I was very lucky to have a child at 36 with no partner. My situation is much preferable to a sperm donor and I know many other women in same situations. If you meet someone and time isn't on your side then sometimes you need to take a gamble in life. Obviously if you know the person is violent/abusive don't procreate with them of course.

If you were really honest, how many people do you know, gay or straight, that are looking to have a baby with someone, knowing that at best they’ll see the child 50/50?
We all know that if we separate after having children, we’d have to share custody, but it’s not what we want is it? What you’re suggesting requires two people to have child, KNOWING they’re regularly not going to be with them.

Well you was lucky then wasn’t you? If it’s a short relationship you have no idea that the man is going to be violent or abusive do you 🙄 especially since it usually starts in pregnancy

Sperm donation is a conscious decision by the donor, having a ons or brief fling knowingly not on contraception is unfair on the man if you have implied you are taking care of the contraception (if he's in complete agreement with having a child then that is a different situation).

Essentially I know of a woman who lied about using contraception to get pregnant, then tried to claim child support from the father, except she went after the wrong man, he wasn't the father, the actual father had lied to her about his name it turns out. Not sure what she will tell her child (whose 4 currently). She is not a friend anymore!

Known donor (without parental rights) is not a legal option where I live. Co-parenting: I would have considered if there was someone with whom I really wanted to coparent, and would have taken it seriously if a gay friend had wanted to, but having spoken to people who chose this route it's not an easy option either for the parents or the kids and for most people it's not the preferred option (also for gay men: they prefer to use a surrogate or adopt).

Well I have never lived with him and if he was abusive in pregnancy I would have left him off the birth certificate.

I'm glad it worked out for you.

I don't believe in "trapping" there's always condoms.

That’s actually a really good point.

@Peedoffo what if the baby is born from a ONS and the mother doesn’t put them on the BC? The father would still be undocumented.

So a short relationship or ONS wouldn’t automatically mean the father is registered. Which is one of your concerns about sperm donation. It can (and does) still happen, when the father is a ONS/short relationships.

That would have been a temporary solution. He could have taken you to court to establish parental responsibility. And then what?

Abusive men still get contact with their children and can still be added to the bc if he took you to court, the thing is you don’t know if someone is abusive if it’s a ONS or a short fling because abusive men don’t tend to be abusive straight away so you just got lucky that’s all

Like I said it's not something I'm familiar with I have a strong relationship with my DF and my DD has one with hers. I think fathers are very important , I wanted to understand more about it. I understand the background I'm from skews my feelings on it.

And by the time you find out he is abusive it would already be too late, you think not living with someone doesn’t mean they can not be abusive to you 🙄 or leaving them off the birth certificate means much as they can take you to court to be added? Abusive men still get contact with their children and by the time you find that out you would have already been pregnant.

If you have a clear conversations with your partner and you both decide and agree that you will handle contraception (pill/iud/...) but then you purposefully get pregnant by tampering with that contraception, it absolutely constitutes trapping.

Just like if you agree to use condoms and the man puts holes in them and knocks you up, it is also trapping. Would you say you don't believe in trapping in this scenario because the woman should have been on the pill and not relied on him only?

Fathers are important. Which is why they are so damaging when they are bad fathers and/or not interested.

I would never suggest someone gets an abortion if it happens by accident. But I would not recommend trying to get pregnant with someone you don’t know well. If they turn out to be awful it can be devastating to both mother and child.

If you have unprotected sex with someone you don't know very well that's an issue.

What if this happens in a well established relationship? Say a year in, your controlling bf pokes holes in condoms to ensure you don't leave him. Say a year in your desperately broody gf goes off the pill and "forgets" to tell you.

Still not trapping, eh?

So you think it is ok to get pregnant on purpose to get child maintenance from a man totally unware of your intentions?

No I think if you sex there's a chance you could get pregnant. No contraception is 100 percent. I don't know anyone who has "trapped" someone maliciously.