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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

By not wanting to take my 6month out in the cold for 4 hours?

87 replies

Subzer0 · 04/12/2022 10:17

Just wanted to preface this by saying I'm the father but wanted a woman's/mother's perspective because I don't have many women in my life other than my wife, hope this is okay.

My son just got out of A and E yesterday. He suffered from bronchiolitis at 1 week old and each time he gets a cold now he suffers (He's now 6 months). Took him to A and E yesterday, they say his O2 sats were fine (thank God!) but weren't happy with his wheezing and sent him home with an inhaler plus spacer device.

I (husband) booked the family to go to a Christmas adventureland today with the kids. It wasn't cheap but I told my Wife today that I didn't want to take the little one out in this weather, considering we would be out for around 4 hours. And considering the fact he's just come out of hospital and is ill.

My wife is now hugely upset and angry with me, saying I ruin everything.. etc. Saying he will be okay if we wrap him up.

I said I more than happy to drop her and the older 2 kids off but wasn't happy keeping the little one in the cold for more than 1hr. But no, she said it's either all of us or none, so now told the other 2 kids we're not going and basically blaimed me for that!

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
W0tnow · 04/12/2022 13:05

I think if you rug a baby up so yes toasty warm and have a cover over the pram it’s basically the same as being inside 🤷‍♀️

bellac11 · 04/12/2022 13:08

LadyEloise1 · 04/12/2022 11:15

Please please compromise for the sake of the other children.

What sort of compromise do you think the OP can manage here??

The wife 'flew off the handle' and said they either all go or none of them go.

What sort of compromise is possible with that attiude?

The responses are predictable. Of course baby shouldnt go (if the cold air is not positive for him) but as usual on here because its the wife being unreasonable, there arent the usual shouts of 'hes controlling', 'hes aggressive' 'he flew off the handle when you tried to discuss it OP, is he always this violent?'

The responses would be a lot stronger if it was a man trying to say that none of the family should go now and that the wife always 'ruins things' and that he flew off the handle and he was trying to take a sickly child out into the cold, he would be irresponsible, abusive, the whole lot.

thelobsterquadrille · 04/12/2022 13:10

W0tnow · 04/12/2022 13:05

I think if you rug a baby up so yes toasty warm and have a cover over the pram it’s basically the same as being inside 🤷‍♀️

The outside air is still cold, though, and that's the problem. A cover doesn't magically warm up the air around the pram by 15 odd degrees.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/12/2022 13:13

You are right and your wife is unreasonable.
Ask her how she’d feel about being taken out in the cold if she had just come home from hospital.

WishingWell5 · 04/12/2022 13:15

No way would I compromise the health of a 6 month old, even if your wife has suffered traumas and was focused on this event.

Family and being together is looking out for each other. Not always going to everything together. You do the best you can for all the kids, and sometimes that has to mean someone stays at home with the sick child.

Your wife is being very unreasonable. And seems (from what you have said) to be lacking in empathy for a very tiny child ...

Bronchilitis can be terrifying

Sirzy · 04/12/2022 13:17

W0tnow · 04/12/2022 13:05

I think if you rug a baby up so yes toasty warm and have a cover over the pram it’s basically the same as being inside 🤷‍♀️

You can’t warm up the air that they breathe though.

many older children and adults with breathing problems cover their mouths with a scarf or similar when out in the cold, and can also be taught to breathe through the nose not the mouth. You can’t do that with a baby

StolenCookie · 04/12/2022 13:26

It’s hard to comment on your wife’s position when she’s not here to defend herself, but it sounds like something was triggered for her. One of your posts mentions a dysfunctional family and abusive relationship.. it may be that she had a vision of how Christmas would be this year and having you all together was a part of that. It sounds like she became hugely upset and wasn’t able to think straight about the issue.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable whatsoever - better safe than sorry is a pretty good rule with a poorly baby! But I don’t think it’s helpful for everyone to pile on to your wife and call her ridiculous either!

Mulhollandmagoo · 04/12/2022 13:47

Could you all go, and after a hort time one of you find a cafe/indoor seating area type thing and get settled with the baby and a cuppa? That way, you and your wife can tag between the baby and the older two children, that way nobody misses out?

Mulhollandmagoo · 04/12/2022 13:50

SHORT time 🤦‍♀️

7eleven · 04/12/2022 13:58

I think all going for a short time and then one taking the baby home is a good idea.

Maray1967 · 04/12/2022 14:06

For Gods sake, you don’t take a baby who’s just out of hospital with bronchiolitis out in cold air. It doesn’t matter how warm you wrap them up, they will be breathing cold air and that is a problem. I’m a firm believer in fresh air but I would not take a baby out straight after this illness.
Your wife needs to get a grip. Whatever her childhood experiences were, she has to put her baby’s health first.

CarefreeMe · 04/12/2022 14:17

I think if you rug a baby up so yes toasty warm and have a cover over the pram it’s basically the same as being inside 🤷‍♀️

For 4 hours!

OP not going has no impact on his wife or her children going.

In fact, them not going would probably be much better as the older kids can get some 1-1 time with their biological parent without having to focus on a baby which obviously takes up much more of your time and attention and limits you on what you can and can’t do.

Sceptre86 · 04/12/2022 17:19

I think your wife is unreasonable. We had a similar issue crop up though week but our baby had been in hospital for 2 weeks, my dh thought she might be able to manage but I wasn't interested in taking her out in the cold for a prolonged period as she had been so ill only a week before. I stayed and my dh took our older two. There were no dramatics or a bust up it's just what you do when you have several kids.

I'd encourage your wife to seek counselling for the issues she had in her own childhood, especially if it's affecting you as a family.

whoareyouinviting · 04/12/2022 17:21

You are absolutely right. Your child's health trumps a fun day out.

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2022 20:03

CarefreeMe · 04/12/2022 11:18

You should have worked on a compromise.

Why would you compromise on risking your child’s health?

It’s different if OP said none of them can go now and then the compromise would be that the mum takes the other children - the compromise has already been done.

There is no more to compromise on.

The wife is just being very selfish and it’s not for OP to try and make her less selfish.

Of course there is a compromise.

One of the parents could have stayed home with the little one and the other taken the elder two DC to the event.

bellac11 · 04/12/2022 20:05

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2022 20:03

Of course there is a compromise.

One of the parents could have stayed home with the little one and the other taken the elder two DC to the event.

Show quote history

Are you unable to follow the thread?

The wife has 'flew off the handle' and said either they all go, or none of them go, so any attempt at compromise has been refused by the wife.

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2022 20:11

bellac11 · 04/12/2022 20:05

Are you unable to follow the thread?

The wife has 'flew off the handle' and said either they all go, or none of them go, so any attempt at compromise has been refused by the wife.

Show quote history

Yes I can follow the thread thank you very much🙄

I said that both of them were BU as they could not compromise to agree to take the older children out and keep their emotions in check. The wife should not have flown off the handle and stopped her two elder kids from having their promised day out.

TheDishElopedwiththeSpoon · 04/12/2022 20:15

Is there someone you really trust who could look after baby for a few hours so you and your wife and the two older kids can all go out together?
Your mum maybe?

Sirzy · 04/12/2022 20:15

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2022 20:11

Yes I can follow the thread thank you very much🙄

I said that both of them were BU as they could not compromise to agree to take the older children out and keep their emotions in check. The wife should not have flown off the handle and stopped her two elder kids from having their promised day out.

Show quote history

But he tried to compromise with that.

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2022 20:18

Sirzy · 04/12/2022 20:15

But he tried to compromise with that.

Show quote history

I know. I am saying the wife was very unreasonable not to have compromised and for him to maybe try a bit harder to get her to see how upset the older kids were.

magma32 · 04/12/2022 20:22

Disagree with your wife.
you are willing to stay at home with baby and drop them off. I would do the same.
I know for many people their asthma gets worse with cold air, not saying it’s the same thing but why risk it, I certainly wouldn’t be esp with the recent hospital visit.

bellac11 · 04/12/2022 20:24

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2022 20:11

Yes I can follow the thread thank you very much🙄

I said that both of them were BU as they could not compromise to agree to take the older children out and keep their emotions in check. The wife should not have flown off the handle and stopped her two elder kids from having their promised day out.

Show quote history

How on earth is the husband to blame here at all

He has suggested this exact thing, which he set out above and you come along and suggest it like a lightbulb moment. Hes already tried that and she is the barrier to compromise

User57713 · 04/12/2022 20:30

Basically she comes from a very disfunctional family and she's had a hard life. She never really had Christmas

My dh was like this. Didn't have a particularly close family growing up, had a poor relationship with his previous partner, they had kids together but didn't spend time all together. So he's quite oversensitive to us doing things separately with the kids. He likes us to all be together.

That's his issue though and he recognises that it is a bit ott sometimes.

He would be really disappointed in this situation, more disappointed than the average person, and would rather not go than have one of us go without the other. He would be really sad to be at home and he'd be really sad to be there without me. It would just have too many weird associations for him.

But if dc was sick he'd put that aside and get on with it.

poefaced · 04/12/2022 20:31

YANBU, I was wrapped up warm in jumper and coat and hat and I STILL came home with head cold thing and runny nose. It was really cold! I’m in the South and usually feel too hot.

Well done for staying firm and advocating for your baby.

KatherineJaneway · 04/12/2022 20:34

bellac11 · 04/12/2022 20:24

How on earth is the husband to blame here at all

He has suggested this exact thing, which he set out above and you come along and suggest it like a lightbulb moment. Hes already tried that and she is the barrier to compromise

Show quote history

I never said he was to blame. He should have tried harder when his wife became emotional and tried to stop her ruining the day for the older two children.