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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to do more?

73 replies

XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 07:51

Sorry to be so transactional but I feel like my DH doesn't do enough and I'm about to burnout...so we wrote down what we tend to do in a week and he thinks we are fairly even. Would like to know if others agree.

DH: works 4 days a week in office. Cooks all the dinners. Does the weekly food shop. Does 50% of bedtimes (precschool DCs). Does the bins. Washes his own clothes.

Me: works 5 days a week mostly from home. Does all cleaning. All kid and house admin (bills, doctors, clothes, nursery stuff etc). All laundry of clothes and sheets etc (except his clothes). Changes beds. Anything that comes up like cars need MOT or DIY or fixing things. Night wakes.

Am I being silly to keep pushing him to do some cleaning? It's quite a big old house (I mean not a mansion obviously but there is a fair bit to clean)

DH doesn't want us to get cleaner until we stop paying all the nursery and childcare fees.

Any views?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 03/12/2022 07:53

It sounds to me like he does a lot, certainly far more than mine ever did.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/12/2022 07:53

I don’t think your unreasonable- the food shop is once a week, cooking lots of people enjoy- laundry is fucking endless, and involves multiple stages. I’d be looking to divvy up some of that.
Plus the mental load of child admin is a lot but tbh not really something I’d share out or it risks missing bits

magicalorange · 03/12/2022 07:54

Hmm, it sounds like he does quite a lot!

Apart from kitchen and bathroom surely the rest of the house only needs a once a week hoover/dust?

Or you could make him responsible for a weekly bathroom clean?

notdaddycool · 03/12/2022 07:55

If you can afford then get a cleaner and it evens it out.

Riverlee · 03/12/2022 07:56

Sounds like he does a lot to me also. A lot more than a lot of dh.

However, if you have burnout, that’s another issue. Can you pinpoint what’s causing you stress? Is it the night wakes? Are these frequent - if so can dh do one of the weekend shifts and/or midweek night so you can get a good nights sleep?

luxxlisbon · 03/12/2022 07:57

Idk it sounds pretty 50/50 to me.

It’s funny I only ever see it on mumsnet when it concerns a man that cooking every night for the family is not a chore because it’s enjoyable, if the woman has to do it then it’s a chore.

rookiemere · 03/12/2022 08:00

Unless he does 50% of the cleaning, he shouldn't get a say on getting a cleaner or not.
I don't think it's right that you're doing all the admin. If you have two cars, he should at least be sorting out the car he uses.

EL8888 · 03/12/2022 08:04

rookiemere · 03/12/2022 08:00

Unless he does 50% of the cleaning, he shouldn't get a say on getting a cleaner or not.
I don't think it's right that you're doing all the admin. If you have two cars, he should at least be sorting out the car he uses.

Exactly. He either does half or pays for it. Out of order just to assume / day you do if

How many work hours do you do both do?

Original poster
XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:05

@magicalorange cleaning feels never ending with 3 DC under 4. And the house is still messy. We have three toilets and I feel like I'm always cleaning them 😖i have said to him if he could do one loo or one bathroom and he just never does. I think he thinks it's below him!

OP posts:
Stag82 · 03/12/2022 08:07

What about tidying who doesn’t that? I hate the endless picking up, getting kids to clean up after themselves etc.

how many hours do you both work and does dp work and do they have kids on 5th day?

who gets dcs ready and out the door to nursery, collects them again

Original poster
XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:09

I'm probably too slack. Like right now I'm watching one of my kids eat his breakfast sat on the sofa which will inevitably mean crumbs but I can't find the energy to persuade him to sit at the table. Also I'm still breastfeeding my 18 month old and can't seem to stop. I really want to but he goes absolutely crazy if I try to distract/give bottle or cup. I just feel so tired it's hard to make stuff better.

OP posts:
ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 03/12/2022 08:10

I think the night wakes are unfairly weighted. If he's working 4 days, he can do 3 nights a week.

Itsabitnotcold · 03/12/2022 08:13

I think it's fairly fair. Does he pick up after the kids at all?

Who washes the pots?

Ivyonafence · 03/12/2022 08:15

You're working full time and he is part time- he should be doing more household and childcare work than you.

How hard is the food shop? I do a delivery order once a week, it takes 15 minutes tops on my phone or laptop while watching TV. I don't even register it as a chore. If he's going into the shops, tell him to do it online and use the hour you've just saved him to clean the bathrooms every week.

Or save the argument and get a cleaner.

Westendbuoys · 03/12/2022 08:15

Does he have the DC on his day off?

Original poster
XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:17

@Ivyonafence yes. The food shop is a pain because he disappears for hours at the weekend leaving me alone with all DC. I say let's do it online but he says he gets better stuff if he goes in physically. I'm not winning that argument. I have tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:17

@Westendbuoys yes he does have them on his day off.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 03/12/2022 08:18

I gave up trying to get DH to do any cleaning. It just wasn't worth the aggro and he would effectively gas light me by pretending that he'd cleaned the kitchen floor, when really he'd just wiped up where he spilled something.

However he does all the bills, coordinates DIY jobs, all the gardening, half the cooking and shopping and if we have relatives or friends coming he will blitz the rooms that they will be in. Also I work 4 days a week and DS is 16,so I find it only fair that I spend 2-3 hrs of that day doing cleaning.

I can't believe people are saying your set up is fair.

Original poster
XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:18

Pretty much 5050 on whether I'm being unfair on DH. Totally ready to accept I might be. Maybe 3 dc and a full time job really is just this permanently exhausting

OP posts:
kavalkada · 03/12/2022 08:21

He should do much more on his day off when you work - clean the bathroom and things like that.

Who cleans kitchen after cooking? For me it is the biggest job in the day and if he does it every day after cooking (which also takes a lot of time in my household) I would cut him some slack. Both jobs are very time consuming, unless he just pops meal in microwave.

And he should do half of the night wakes, that is unnegotiable. They're his kids too and you need a rest.

BringbackSpringsteen · 03/12/2022 08:26

Why not swap chores for a week and then see?

I think you're doing more

MolliciousIntent · 03/12/2022 08:26

I think your main problem is that you're exhausted, so everything feels extra unfair. If I were you I'd sit down with your DH and come up with a plan to sleep train. No more night wakes. And then when you're getting good sleep, if it still feels unfair, address that.

However, I think you need to be realistic - you've chosen to have three children very close together in age, and to work full time. That set up was always going to be hardcore for the first decade.

GingerPigz · 03/12/2022 08:26

Definitely share the night wakes! But maybe he can take in the car stuff and DIY as well? Then you'd be pretty much even I would say. Maybe just have one bathroom in constant use so the others only need a light clean every so often? I've only ever cleaned once a week (unless there was a need to do more often IYSWIM). I was once told that spotless and tidy house with young children is an official red flag.

Ridelikethewindypops · 03/12/2022 08:28

Maybe 3 dc and a full time job really is just this permanently exhausting
It is. It really really is.
Tbh the job I hate the most is dinner, thinking about dinner, shopping for dinner, cooking dinner, cleaning up after dinner. I'd rather be scrubbing toilets.
But in your situation You should definitely get a cleaner, that would take a serious load off you.

Workyticket · 03/12/2022 08:29

Could you afford a cleaner? It shouldn't be up to him to categorically say no if you can!

I've just gone back full time and dh has gone to 4 condensed days

We had words the other week about the fact that he treats his Friday as a day for him, whereas when I was part time I treat my day off like a house day. Dc at school so literally the whole day off!

We ow have a cleaner once a fortnight and he does a little bit on his day off to keep us ticking over