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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to do more?

73 replies

XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 07:51

Sorry to be so transactional but I feel like my DH doesn't do enough and I'm about to burnout...so we wrote down what we tend to do in a week and he thinks we are fairly even. Would like to know if others agree.

DH: works 4 days a week in office. Cooks all the dinners. Does the weekly food shop. Does 50% of bedtimes (precschool DCs). Does the bins. Washes his own clothes.

Me: works 5 days a week mostly from home. Does all cleaning. All kid and house admin (bills, doctors, clothes, nursery stuff etc). All laundry of clothes and sheets etc (except his clothes). Changes beds. Anything that comes up like cars need MOT or DIY or fixing things. Night wakes.

Am I being silly to keep pushing him to do some cleaning? It's quite a big old house (I mean not a mansion obviously but there is a fair bit to clean)

DH doesn't want us to get cleaner until we stop paying all the nursery and childcare fees.

Any views?

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 03/12/2022 08:30

Dh works four days - what does he do on his day off? How much time do you spend cleaning per week?

You could share some of that out, but if he cooks all the meals and shops, that's a lot of thinking he does for that too.

Original poster
XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:31

@MolliciousIntent that's fair enough. There are some twins in the mix BTW but totally take your point. Also I work full time because I'm the main breadwinner. DH could give up work and look after the DC and it would work out the same income wise (no childcare costs) but I would worry about doing that.

OP posts:
houseofstark · 03/12/2022 08:31

I think it does depend on who cleans the kitchen after cooking.

But also, he could take on either the children's washing or the bedding. As he's only doing his own and you're doing all the rest of it.

luxxlisbon · 03/12/2022 08:31

XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:18

Pretty much 5050 on whether I'm being unfair on DH. Totally ready to accept I might be. Maybe 3 dc and a full time job really is just this permanently exhausting

I do think the biggest contributor to feeling permanently exhausted is juggling 3 kids and working, particularly with the dark nights, rather than because your husband isn’t doing enough.
That doesn’t mean there isn’t the odd thing he can do to give you more of a break though.

piedbeauty · 03/12/2022 08:32

Don't expect too much of yourself. You're working FT, bfing your 18mo, and have two other Dc. Life will be exhausting. Sorry.

I'd def hire a cleaner if you can afford it. I'd also point out to dh that spending hours shopping at the weekend is a poor use of time. Online shops are a lifesaver - and a timesaver.

Bookaholic73 · 03/12/2022 08:33

Ivyonafence · 03/12/2022 08:15

You're working full time and he is part time- he should be doing more household and childcare work than you.

How hard is the food shop? I do a delivery order once a week, it takes 15 minutes tops on my phone or laptop while watching TV. I don't even register it as a chore. If he's going into the shops, tell him to do it online and use the hour you've just saved him to clean the bathrooms every week.

Or save the argument and get a cleaner.

Why do you assume he is working part time?
My DH works 4 days a week but they are 12 hour shifts, so definitely not part time.

southlondoner02 · 03/12/2022 08:33

Seems to me some people are comparing your DH to other (presumably a bit useless) DHs for some reason. That shouldn't be the bar. Nor should it be 50/50 as you don't work 50/50. He should be doing more on his day off

Original poster
XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:34

Yeah I got to stop breastfeeding the youngest. He doesn't need it and I don't like it anymore. He just puts his head down my top and I feel powerless to stop it which is pathetic

OP posts:
MolliciousIntent · 03/12/2022 08:34

XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:31

@MolliciousIntent that's fair enough. There are some twins in the mix BTW but totally take your point. Also I work full time because I'm the main breadwinner. DH could give up work and look after the DC and it would work out the same income wise (no childcare costs) but I would worry about doing that.

Why would you worry about doing that?

BringbackSpringsteen · 03/12/2022 08:34

While I agree he isn't doing enough, I don't think it's realistic to expect him to do much beyond childcare on his day off if there are three children - at least two not at school by the sounds of it?

When I had two preschool kids on my day off I counted it as a win if the house wasn't messier by the end of the day

Propertyindisrepair · 03/12/2022 08:34

It’s not evenly split

you’re doing more

phsyically plus the mental loAd

Cheeseandabsolutelycrackers · 03/12/2022 08:34

What your DH does is identical to mine, except I work away quite a bit and when I do, he is doing 100% of the bedtimes.

The big difference is that I have a cleaner and a nanny. So school runs and after school activities and all child related cleaning and bedding and laundry is done by nanny, and the adult stuff and communal areas of house by the cleaner. This obviously comes with a huge cost but it is what makes our lives and careers work and the careers are financially lucrative. It means when we are with the children we are able to fully focused on them and not cleaning toilets.

Flowerfairy101 · 03/12/2022 08:37

I don't think its fair at all, your list is much bigger and more time consuming than his! Also includes virtually all the mental load and organisation. I think he needs to take on cleaning of certain rooms so like 2 bathroom and also some laundry. If he has the kids one day a week he can do some cleaning then, only takes 5-10 minutes to do a bathroom. Presumably you clean when you're looking after DC so he can as well. My DP can't seem to multitask so will sit there 'looking after DD' and not think to do anything round the house at all during that time.

Strictly1 · 03/12/2022 08:44

If he’s looking after the children on his fifth day I’d say it’s fair. I hate cooking so a previous poster assuming he enjoys that is unfair. Also you have to cook but can leave the bathroom another day etc.

Original poster
XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:50

I tried to suggest I do more cooking and he does more cleaning - he was not up for it.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 03/12/2022 08:50

I don't think your DH giving up work would be a great idea.

For one thing childcare costs are high now, but should decrease as they get older. If he's in a relatively flexible role and has been there for a while, he can start to pick up more of the load with school drop offs etc.

Also he doesn't seem like a natural at home body, if he doesn't do any cleaning now I doubt he would do more if at home all day.

But if you're the main wage earner and the chief bottle washer, he doesn't get to put his foot down about a cleaner. I'd also recommend getting a robot hoover as that cuts out a fair amount of work.

And stop beating yourself up about where the DCs eat. It sounds like you're carrying everyone's load. It wouldn't be fair if you were the pt lesser earner, but you're the ft main breadwinner.

MuggleMe · 03/12/2022 08:50

Does he work long shifts to work 4 days or does he look after children on the 5th? I work 4 school hours days and shop one evening, do 90% of the cooking. Who cleans up after he cooks?

Tidying and cleaning is incessant and you should both be doing it.

AltheaVestr1t · 03/12/2022 08:52

No, this is not fair, you are doing more. Let's say - cooking is an equivalent job to laundry (daily for about an hour). Weekly food shop is equivalent to admin (several hours). The bins are neither here nor there. The cleaning is the sticking point. You need a cleaner. And you need to share the night waking.

jeaux90 · 03/12/2022 08:53

Honestly I'd swap doing the weekly shop, quite frankly it's a break.

Or take turns. When it's your week go have a coffee on your own.

Get a cleaner.

Don't sweat the small things.

I'm a single/lone parent and cleaning is a definite outsource job.

EL8888 · 03/12/2022 08:53

southlondoner02 · 03/12/2022 08:33

Seems to me some people are comparing your DH to other (presumably a bit useless) DHs for some reason. That shouldn't be the bar. Nor should it be 50/50 as you don't work 50/50. He should be doing more on his day off

Exactly, the bar is set too low. If l had to do what your husband does then l would think it would he quite cushty. That says to me he’s not doing enough. Especially the organising and planning

His “food shopping” sounds like mooching and skiving to me

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2022 08:55

DH doesn't want us to get cleaner until we stop paying all the nursery and childcare fees.

Then he needs to do more cleaning.

Him doing all the food thinking and execution is a big deal - don’t underestimate that, it’s great.

Is it the cleaning that’s the issue, or the ‘life admin’ aspect as all things like MOTs, kids admin etc falls to you.

I guess - is it mental burnout or physical?

Be clear, then advocate for what you need. He has 1 day less of paid employment so it would make sense for him to take up a proportionate amount more of domestic stuff (bedding & towels laundry & some cleaning?) on that day.

Newmum0322 · 03/12/2022 08:58

I hate cooking and shopping and bins… I also only have a 3 bed semi (1 bathroom). I think that is a fair divide IF he has the kids whilst you clean! So once a week for example I’ll go through the house, 3 hours, music on and get it done whilst he has the baby. I LOVE it 😂😂

Only thing that concerned me was the night wakes! They’re savage (depending on ages/sleep stage) and would not consider anything less than 50:50!

If it doesn’t work for you though then it doesn’t work, full stop. Either swap round chores or get a cleaner, give him the choice

rookiemere · 03/12/2022 08:59

Also in these situations, sometimes it's more effective to act rather than talk.

So stop cleaning all of the bathrooms, particularly the one that he mostly uses. If you're the one cleaning the kitchen after meal times then stop doing it for a few days. Invent reasons relating to the cars and DIY jobs that you need to be out of the house for a couple of hours at the weekend.

Most importantly don't say that this is a deliberate strategy. If asked say that you're just so tired, or that it's easier to wait at the garage while the MOT gets done.

NoNameNowAgain · 03/12/2022 09:00

Leave aside the question of whether it’s fair. It’s exhausting and you need a cleaner and possibly a robovac. Make clear he needs to carry on doing as much.

Newmum0322 · 03/12/2022 09:05

XmasConfusion · 03/12/2022 08:50

I tried to suggest I do more cooking and he does more cleaning - he was not up for it.

Then a cleaner it is! If he doesn’t want to do it or swap chores, then why should you! I would die on that hill!

Its not about chores, or who does more, it’s about respect. If he thinks he can tell you your doing the cleaning, and tell you he’s not helping and tell you you’re not allowed a cleaner… that is disrespect! Forget if we all consider it 50:50 that’s not the issue here.

He is your partner, not your employer. You need to put your foot down here OP, seriously. A partner should not be in a position of control over you!