To expect him to do more?

[XmasConfusion]

Sorry to be so transactional but I feel like my DH doesn't do enough and I'm about to burnout...so we wrote down what we tend to do in a week and he thinks we are fairly even. Would like to know if others agree.

DH: works 4 days a week in office. Cooks all the dinners. Does the weekly food shop. Does 50% of bedtimes (precschool DCs). Does the bins. Washes his own clothes.

Me: works 5 days a week mostly from home. Does all cleaning. All kid and house admin (bills, doctors, clothes, nursery stuff etc). All laundry of clothes and sheets etc (except his clothes). Changes beds. Anything that comes up like cars need MOT or DIY or fixing things. Night wakes.

Am I being silly to keep pushing him to do some cleaning? It's quite a big old house (I mean not a mansion obviously but there is a fair bit to clean)

DH doesn't want us to get cleaner until we stop paying all the nursery and childcare fees.

Any views?

He should do much more on his day off?!

He’s got three kids under 4 to look after.

imagine that in reverse…,

Woman OP: “on Fridays I have our three pre school kids, my husband thinks I should also clean the bathroom and the kitchen etc.”

hmmm, imagine the answers to that?

In fairness working four days a week is very close to full time and with three under 4s in the house I can quite see why not much gets done. I have two days a week off but it’s really difficult / impossible to do much in that time. So I’m sympathetic to that.

And her cooking for the family every day and doing all the food shopping wasn’t really a chore because cooking is enjoyable for some people and planning and buying all the groceries every week is actually just having a break mooching around the shop. Me time every week! 😂

I'd be happy to do what you do if my DH did all the dinners. I find it exhausting always thinking about what we're eating and cooking meals.

Can't believe the amount of posters saying this is fair when you are very clearly doing much more.

Men are held to such low standards, honestly.

He's skiving during the food shop tbh - tell him you'd like to alternate weeks and leave him with the kids while you do the shop and take yourself off for coffee and cake or whatever.

He could at least do some laundry for the rest of you too - does he think he is still a single man?!

The problem here is that he is happy with the status quo and you are not and feeling burnt out. The divide would be fine if you were both happy with it but you arent so you need to tell him that. Because all I see from every suggestion is that you have tried that and he said no.

Why does he always get to say No?

All these people congratulating him for cooking dinners, just because it's more than their DPs have ever done!
Some of us really enjoy cooking, so it's not a chore in the way that cleaning is. And it sounds like he also quite enjoys the food-shopping.
The evening meals = 7 meals/ week. Presumably you're doing lunch on the 4 days he's working. What about all the other lunches and breakfasts? Does the person doing the meal also clean the kitchen and the dishes?
In my opinion, all the other house-cleaning should be shared - incl the daily/weekly stuff but also the things that need cleaned less often (who cleans the windows? who defrosts the freezer? etc) - and it's a good idea for everyone to have the knowledge and skills to do all those tasks. What if one of you has to go into hospital, or goes away somewhere? Why not make a rota, and add the children's names to it when they're older?
If he's working fewer hours/week than you (and doing fewer days of childcare as well) then he should definitely be cleaning at least one of the toilets!
Same with life admin - work on the basis that one of you could be hut by a bus any time - surely you wouldn't want the children to suffer even more than necessary because one parent was no longer around? You both need to know how to do the basic admin stuff.

Don't underestimate how much he contributes by doing all the food-shopping and cooking for a family of five everyday. That's a huge part of the mental load IMO, especially with three pre-schoolers in the mix.

However if you want a cleaner, get a cleaner. You're the breadwinner and the one doing the bulk of that side of things - so if he doesn't want to contribute more, he can suck it up 🤷🏻‍♀️

Night wakes are the killer.He should be sharing that job.

Giving up breast feeding is your route in here- you want to stop, you need a plan. I would suggest that you have a week of husband putting the children to bed - if you are out of the house then the baby can’t demand a bedtime feed. You could use the time to go the supermarket and get the groceries in ahead of time- that way there’s no need for him to disappear for hours.

I would insist on either a cleaner or online grocery shopping . Grocery shopping for hours is an easier option than trying to clean the house with small children.

Other suggestion is that he takes at least one child to the supermarket- it’ll definitely take less time then.

Reember a lot of the people saying it's fine have shit partners who do nothing. 'He does loads more than my (piece of shit) husband's doesn't mean its fair.

I think your list is longer. Cooking takes half an hour per pay maybe 3.5 hours. Doing your own laundry is easy. Bedtimes should be shared with 3 kids anyway so that's irrelevant. Shopping should take 1 to 1.5 hours per week but tjats something that he is insisting he do, when you could do it online. It's time to himself and sounds like he likes it.

You do 3x the washing he does. Cleaning in a large ish house with 3 kids is probably a couple of hours per week. If you clear up after meals it will be more maybe another couple of hours. Laundry for 3 kids and changing beds takes a couple of hours. Admin especially at this time of year can take a couple of hours.

I think it depends how the tasks were chosen (for example I enjoy cooking so dont mind doing it and dont think of it as a chore, my husband is the same with driving. I hate housework and so it's a massive chore for me). And how much free time you have. If you're both doing stuff for the same amount of time then you might be being unfair (unless he is spending ages wandering around the supermarket).

What jumps out from your post though is he seems to have all the decision making power. You're not happy, but he is, and he is shooting down all your suggestions. You're reaching burn out and need more help. Irrespective of what's causing that, you're coming up with solutions and he is just saying no to them all without offering solutions. Cleaner? Flat no. Online shop? No, he wants to spend hours st the weekend shopping by himself rather than risk a substitution. You share all the jobs so 50 50 cooking and cleaning? Nope, he likes cooking. He does more? Nope.

Why is he the boss? You seem to be letting him make decisions that affect you more than him. I mean he can refuse to do more and you can't actually make him, but since you seem to be the higher earner and be in charge of the house, it is in your remit to find a solution. I think the big one for me is the cleaner, if he refuses to do it and you're the main earner then he has absolutely no say in the matter in my opinion. And the food shop just say you're doing it online. If there are substitutions or short dates regularly then you can reconsider. There are reviews online that show the best online supermarkets for reliability etc. What's his reasoning for refusing to do any of the kids laundry?

The only way you can know is to swap for a couple of weeks and see how it feels. I think doing all the cleaning and tidying is way more work than cooking every night, and much less pleasant. The weekly food shop sounds like a jolly. I’d much rather his life than yours. But working full time with 3 kids and breastfeeding would be exhausting anyway. Can you drop a day and he picks one extra up?

I think if he did half of the night wakes that would even things up a lot. That will be having a huge effect on you. And is the first thing that jumps out.

In a way I think you’re doing the wrong jobs - you’re doing the jobs that are more suited for he perosn who has a day off in the week - the cleaning, the household admin etc. I would think they should sit with him.

Then you could do things like cooking that can be done in the evenings?

I would say the same to a woman. I didn't say he has to clean all day while he is with kids, but he can change beds, clean bathroom. I did it all with small kids. At this very moment my husband is cleaning windows, after that he will change sheets. I batch cook in the kitchen and we take care of the kids at the same time.

Op does all night shifts and she is exhausted. She needs help ASAP and her husband has to react, quick.

If you love somebody, you do not watch them struggle.
They're both allowed some time off and from what I have read, OP hasn't slept for years. I admire the fact she is even able to write this.
He has to take care of half of the night shifts if he cares about his wife.

I think you are a bit passive both with him and the kids though - letting him choose his jobs, letting little one put his head down your blouse, kids eat on the sofa etc

Oh and the bins is not really worth putting down. I take recycling out daily so that it doesn’t build up, bin bags out as they fill up. Keep wheely bins at the end of the “drive” (it’s just a hard standing with dropped curb) so you can’t forget. First thing I did on leaving exh was abolish the job of “the bins”.

My ex husband did a big fat nothing.

Disappears where?

Well he's not exactly making a household contribution then is he? He's creating work for you by swanning off and leaving you with the kids.

What, you think in a reverse where a man worked 5 days a week and did ALL of the cleaning, he’d be told the woman was doing enough by cooking each night and looking after the kids one day a week?! In what world???

OP, I think he should be doing some cleaning too, not 50%, but some.

Life admin.😂

The problem is when one turns a part of life into an enjoyable experience re the cooking the other resents this. Dp does this, he puts his music on and has it blasting out whilst he's cooking. Even when he makes the kid's beds he turns it into a fun time.😂Bastard.
Dp does cooking, admin for his kids cleans up the kitchen and lounge, he does some laundry, washing and drying it. I distribute. I do the overall big weekly cleaning and most food shopping. I have asked him to take more on because he's around more than me with my promotion. I too snap at him when I'm tired.
Looking at the ops list, it's nearly 50/50, I don't think it's possible to find true equality with tasks.

What's your worry, that he would do the basics and you'd still have loads of stuff to do at home?

Why is he only washing his own clothes? Can’t he stick a family load on?

Sounds like your lives would be transformed by a cleaner once a week. I’m not sure why your DH is sole decision maker on this.

Your division sounds a lot like ours but I cook and shop and DW does the cleaning and laundry. For me it’s the night wake ups that are completely unbalanced. I could do the laundry and clean myself, but there’s nothing I can do to get more sleep if she won’t pull her weight. I don’t think IABU but I’ve not found a solution.

Over here, breastfeeding gets blamed for why she can’t settle him at night (the three times she’s tried ever and not until he was 1 and I was back at work) but I’m not about to give up my nights to pacing and bouncing while he screams when most nights I can get the baby back to sleep in 10 minutes by breastfeeding him. At this point I don’t believe that DW would help even if I did give it up so I’d only be shooting myself in the foot.

Wish I had a solution, but I don’t think YABU and everything feels worse when you’re sleep deprived. I know the sleep will get better but I don’t know that my resentment about DW not even trying to help will. I hope you don’t have the same problem l.