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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH always home and driving me crazy

73 replies

Fourwallsclosingin · 03/12/2022 07:12

Help please!! DH has been wfh for a year and a half since our baby was born, I'm a SAHM. He doesn't go anywhere, except for collecting our online shopping once a fortnight (20 min). I am sick of the sight of him and don't think it's healthy being together 24/7. I do try and go out, but it's frustrating he's ALWAYS home. I feel like I have no personal space. If I say something it will hurt his feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:
Fufumcgoo · 03/12/2022 07:20

Yes your being unreasonable and you know it.

Ivyonafence · 03/12/2022 07:22

YANBU. This would drive me insane.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be alone in your home once in a while.

Could you tell him you'd like some alone time? Could he join a gym or get a hobby so he has to be somewhere a few times a week?

It doesn't seem healthy for him to never go out, apart from the annoyance to you.

Badger1970 · 03/12/2022 07:23

DH and I work and live together. I'd completely agree that it can be suffocating at times but thankfully we've got DC and grandkids, and he's a keen golfer so we get time apart at the weekends otherwise I'd struggle.

Does he never visit family or friends? That sounds a bit odd to be honest. Is he always around you in the house?

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2022 07:24

Fufumcgoo · 03/12/2022 07:20

Yes your being unreasonable and you know it.

I disagree. It’s not usual that someone ‘goes nowhere’ apart from the supermarket. It’s borderline agarophobic.

OP, if your DC is 18 months old, it’s the perfect age for his Dad to start taking him out - does he not spend time with his DC alone?

Ponderingwindow · 03/12/2022 07:24

Nothing wrong with being a homebody. Not everyone finds value in going out.

OwwwMuuuum · 03/12/2022 07:26

I find it strange and worrying that he never goes out. Humans are social creatures and he will get depressed without interaction, he probably already is.

Meanwhile I really feel for you, not having space in your own home as a SAHM is awful. My DH had a career break and we nearly divorced because he was constantly commenting throughout the day.

olympicsrock · 03/12/2022 07:26

YANBU - he’s depriving you of some time and headspace to chill in your own home. Sometimes I need it to be just me!
Sounds like he is festering - doesn’t he have friends he sees? Surely he occasionally goes out for a coffee or a walk or anything?? Has he become a mushroom?

monsteronahill · 03/12/2022 07:30

I think both of you are being a bit of an issue here!

You're not unreasonable to want some alone time, are you able to leave DC at home with DH at the weekend and go off and do your own thing? There's no reason to be together 24/7, you can take yourself and DC out and about to spend time apart, you don't just have to sit at home.

Could you get a part time job to get yourself out of the house maybe?

The WFH bit - does he have his own office space in the house or is he just sat about in shared spaces? If possible I'd get him his own office room, then he's out of sight out of mind!

Does he have any friends / family to see or hobbies? Encouraging a hobby that gets him out of the house each week would be beneficial to his health and yours, especially if he only goes out for 20 minutes a fortnight!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/12/2022 07:32

So does he never take the little one out on his own? That would be the biggest issue for me!

Dh used to take ours for walks round the park, swimming, museums etc on the weekends - not all day and not every single weekend, but at least one thing for a bit each week.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/12/2022 07:33

OP, if your DC is 18 months old, it’s the perfect age for his Dad to start taking him out

Start?? He is the other parent. He should have been doing it long before now!

Original poster
Fourwallsclosingin · 03/12/2022 07:33

Thank you so much for your replies!! No literally isn't going anywhere, it doesn't help that no one from his office wants to go in either. He doesn't really have many friends and not close to family. I think he's just got used to it after lockdown. I don't think it's healthy either tbh - although I'm being more selfish in that it's driving me insane. I'm finding it suffocating being a SAHM and also it means he has nothing to contribute in terms of what's happened in his day as all he does it work. I feel so mean, but it's really starting to get to me.

OP posts:
CoalCraft · 03/12/2022 07:34

Er, yabvu, he's allowed to be on his home as much as he likes? Saying you're sick of the sight of him is nasty but if that's really how you feel, maybe you aren't compatible as partners?

Cotswoldmama · 03/12/2022 07:36

I don't think YABU to want space but I don't think you can expect your husband to leave the house to give you the space. I felt a bit like this during lockdown. My husband started working from home and the kids were home. I work part time but would usually have some time in the week when it would just be me at home. When that changed I carved out time for me. I started running a few times a week and I take myself off to read for a bit. Can you do anything similar?

Tuvala · 03/12/2022 07:38

I find this really bizarre. Does he not go for walks? Take DS to the park? Play groups? Go and see people? Is he not exercising or getting any fresh air? I have to be out daily or I feel stir crazy I can’t imagine never leaving the house, it sounds like being in prison to me!
So many things to get out of the house for it sounds a really sad existence. I would start by suggesting her he takes DS out for a couple of hours today to a play centre or park.

MintJulia · 03/12/2022 07:39

'All he does is work' - but that's what he's supposed to do during the day.

You could suggest a walk together at lunchtime. Get him used to going out again. Can't you ask him to do things for you - nip to the shops, or encourage him to join a gym.

Get a baby sitter and go to the pub or out to dinner. Remind how good it is to go out. Give him a bit of support.

But it's his home too.He's as entitled to be there as you are.

Lovetotravel123 · 03/12/2022 07:40

I am amazed when people don’t go out. It’s so unhealthy. Could you find a way of getting him to buy into a 10,000 step daily challenge? That would be good for him and would sort your problem.

Butterlover1 · 03/12/2022 07:40

Given its a shared house what are yo doing to go our and get some space?

It's not only your space he's invading.....

LadyHarmby · 03/12/2022 07:45

What do you do at weekends?

I can see why this is frustrating for you, I wouldn’t like it either.

saltofcelery · 03/12/2022 07:49

No you're not being unreasonable at all. I don't think it's healthy to be together too much.

In our home, we both work full time, but he has always worked from home with a couple of days a week out at sites.

When I started working from home too nearly three years ago during covid, we found it hard as I wasn't allowed to go into the office, his work all got postponed (and the kids were there too). It was hard to both be in each other's space 24/7 and was not good for our relationship. I now go into the office 1-2 days a week and this is the perfect arrangement for us.

MuggleMe · 03/12/2022 07:55

Is this just during the working week? I presume you go out as a family at the weekend and he could take DC out by himself/do bedtime so you can get out.

DH doesn't really go anywhere when he's working, but does go for walks at lunchtime.

vivaespanaole · 03/12/2022 08:05

No YANBU. I think there are many strands here. One that he works from home, one that you also are based at home, one that he never takes the children out to give you a break or joins in family trips at all, one that he borderline aggrophobic and has no social life and therefore no conversation or joy.

I think putting them all together and wanting to scream is natural but also if you are to discuss with him comes across mean and he will go into victim mode.

Personally i would focus on one overall facet of the problem and start with that. So, id take myself off out of the house leaving him with the kids once/twice a week. And i would start insisting on one family outting
Per weekend building up to him doing the outting on his own sometimes.

Arrivederla · 03/12/2022 08:07

Ponderingwindow · 03/12/2022 07:24

Nothing wrong with being a homebody. Not everyone finds value in going out.

It's not normal to be at home all the time with no social interaction at all. 😕

Very bad for your mental health actually.

Elmo230885 · 03/12/2022 08:07

YABU regarding hom working at home. He's working so between, say 9-5, that's what he should be doing.
YANBU about the rest of the time. What happens evenings and weekends? I can't imagine he works 12 hrs/day 7 days/week.

Maybe you should go back to work to get some time away.

Original poster
Fourwallsclosingin · 03/12/2022 08:17

Trying to answer all of the questions. I go out and do things during the week. He occasionally will take DS out on his own etc but the last time was in August. We do things together as a family some weekends. He has his own office space which I'm so grateful for, but hes always around if he goes to the loo, makes a drink etc. When I think about it, it always was like this, as in I organised all social things (been together 12y) and he didn't go out and do things or have hobbies, but I guess I didn't notice because we both were busy during the week working in an office. And I would often go out with friends in the evenings too. I'm used to being very social and going out alot, so probably now being a SAHM doesn't help either, and going out at night is now a thing of the past. I guess there are other issues too. The main thing I was wondering was AIBU just wanting some space on my own every now and then. Thanks for the comments they are all really useful and it's good to see different points of view. I feel horrible feeling like this about him, but I just want some space to breathe (mentally)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fourwallsclosingin · 03/12/2022 08:20

Evenings are spent watching TV. Weekends are spent sleeping, watching TV and chores, I try and organise something social like friends coming over or visiting friends or family every second or third weekend; or sometimes we will do something as a family

OP posts:
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