DH always home and driving me crazy

[Fourwallsclosingin]

Help please!! DH has been wfh for a year and a half since our baby was born, I'm a SAHM. He doesn't go anywhere, except for collecting our online shopping once a fortnight (20 min). I am sick of the sight of him and don't think it's healthy being together 24/7. I do try and go out, but it's frustrating he's ALWAYS home. I feel like I have no personal space. If I say something it will hurt his feelings. AIBU?

But OP shouldn't have to go out all the time to get some time to herself.

Maybe she wants an hour or two, alone, in her own home. That's really not a big ask.

Her DH should be taking his son out at weekends and giving her a break.

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate it. Some really useful comments and just being able to get it off my chest!!

I’m retired, DH is nearly retired but does still do some (academic) work from home. We have no children. Before I retired I was a bit worried that being together 24/7 might be a problem but so far, three years into my retirement it hasn’t been. We do both socialise occasionally with our own friends, and see couple friends together, and I do go to the gym or swimming. We get along just fine. However your arrangement does sound a bit suffocating. Your DH should be taking the little one out more. Apart from anything else it would do him good to break up his working day.

Find this thread interesting.
When renovating, and despite budget being a challenge, I built an office in the garden for my husband complete with large sofa, tv, speakers, microwave and fridge etc. Not quite the same but similarly he has few hobbies or activities that involve him leaving the house.
He does do things with DCs such as swimming and parties.
I often go for long walks, am away for work too but I feel the same sometimes OP. I'd love downtime to chill alone.
Luckily, we have space to have separation in the house and I've made sure there is comfy seating in all bedrooms. I completely under and don't think YABU.

Hope it works out. Some good suggestions above.

YABU. He's working from home, so has to be there.

When are you returning to work and will.you be wfh? That may change the dynamic

This. Why is he not taking your DC out places while you have some downtime?

YANBU. Regardless of whether people are homebodies or not it is unhealthy to never go anywhere or see other people other than partner/children. Very suffocating for you too. Maybe you need to explore returning to work to at least give you some space even if not in your own home. Can you encourage him to at least take your DC to the park on his own?

How is Op the unreasonable one here @Fufumcgoo

Her DH either has issues with his mental health or is the world's most boring bastard. Neither of those options can be easy to live with.

I don't have a small child any more, but I have seen dads and kids sessions set up at weekends, so that dads who work during the week can socialise with their little ones and make other "dad friends." Would he be willing to do something like that if it was available?
Or take DS swimming, either lessons or just by himself in the baby pool?
Or if you suggest he takes him to the park/for a walk at the weekend, as DS needs some fresh air and you have something to take care of at home?
I would also try and arrange a night out with your friends, leaving DH at home to look after DS. Or go to one of their houses for coffee and a chat if the cost of a. night out is an issue.
I don't think YABU wanting some alone time, as what you describe doesn't sound great for either of you. I would also be concerned, as others have mentioned, about DH's mental health.

If is his home. He can spend as much or as little time there as he pleases.

The issue is not that he is home all the time.

Hmm, yes, but he's also a parent now, so he can't just do what he pleases regardless of anyone else anymore.

He needs to take his child out of the house and build a bond with him outside the home and away from his wife.

I agree it's not hugely healthy but it's our way of life since COVID. We work long hours from home, we work every evening, we don't have friends in the area, we have no childcare so cant go out unless it's on our own. We get fresh air on the school run (40 mins morning, 40 mins afternoon) but it's hardly relaxing or enjoyable experience! Most of my colleagues are the same, in fact they work longer hours as they don't take the school run time as they are child free.

OP's issue is EXACTLY that he is home all the time.
Who are you to tell her what's an issue for her?

& how would you like to be shacked up with someone who's most exciting 'social' interaction is a collection trip to the supermarket once a fortnight?

Trying to respond to questions but not write an essay. That's a good point re M-F and of course he would be working. I like the space when he's not at home, similar to a PP, that's when I feel I can fully relax, as another said to have some head space.
A major issue is because he doesn't go anywhere he doesn't have anything to contribute in terms of conversation, eg something funny that happened in the day etc. So things are getting very boring. Wfh happened unexpectedly for him, but I don't think I would've started a relationship with someone who never went anywhere tbh.
I also don't think he realises how important small interactions with strangers are, like just having a quick chat to the person making coffee, a smile with a stranger etc. I have noticed a change in his personality for the worse, maybe he is a bit depressed himself and doesn't know it. I do make suggestions for him to do things but he's not very receptive, and also says he has 'no time' (as most is spent sleeping and watching TV, then after chores there's no time left - that's another thread).
It does annoys me that he doesn't spend much 1:1 with DS that makes me sad and just adds to the frustration. (He recently started to do breakfast one weekend day so I get a lie in). I don't know exactly why he doesn't, he just doesn't seem to prioritise his time for this (in the weekends). He will spend about 10-15min at night playing with him but they haven't been anywhere for a long time without me. Which of course would be lovely for me to be totally alone.
I don't want to go back to work just yet even though I also miss the social interaction as I do want this time with DC, and DC isn't actually the problem. I think if I did that to get away from DH I would really resent him.
I feel really stuck and suffocated, and also guilty because he's not actually doing anything wrong as such. Lots has changed since the arrival of DS and I guess this is adding to other issues.
I will need to talk to him, I have tried about other things and nothing really changes (although that is how I got my lie in, so it is worth it), or it ends up in an argument so I feel like what's the point. I also feel like I want him to do things for him, and not because I want him to if that makes sense. I think there is a lot of resentment building up, and I also feel sad to think is this now my life. I feel sad, because I know having DC is hard (didn't realise how hard) but I find it difficult to enjoy myself when I should be because I have so much resentment building. Wow, feels good to get that all off my chest. I probably just need a holiday and a good chat with DH. Thank you.

I should add that I have started do do things with friends in the evening (while DC is asleep) and if I did say I was going somewhere he would look after him so it's not all bad. He's not a bad person, I think things have just changed alot

I would actually need to ask him, but when I think about it, he probably thinks because he is wfh he 'sees' DS a lot, and therefore doesn't need 1:1 time with him. These questions have made me think a lot, you start to get used to the status quo!

My OH is the SAHP and is hardly out of the house really. The last time I had the living area to myself was when he was Ill with Covid. I don't think it's healthy at all

But I'm coming at this from completely the other view.

You're not being unreasonable at all OP. This would drive ne up the wall too. It's not about assigning blame- just not healthy to be cooped up in close vicinity all the time.

How do you think he'd react if you asked him to go into the office once or twice a week? Is it a reasonable distance? You could always frame it in a "It's not you - it's me" way, tell him you're going stir crazy - and obviously unlike him don't have anywhere else at present.

I couldn't agree more. When DH was first at home I found it really difficult as I was used to a couple of days alone and felt that I couldn't relax with him in the house even if he was not around me. It has taken some time for us to find a new normal that works for us both but he now goes out a couple of mornings a week and tries to be a bit more independent.
Can I suggest sorting the dynamic of you being "the sociable one" and him just fitting in with your plans. I, and several friends, have fallen into this trap and it makes life less enjoyable as you get older

You want time alone.
You want him to spend more time 121 with DS.
If you go out he happily looks after DS.
I mean short term surely there's a simple answer? You go out.

Longer term I think it's worth evaluating where you're both at now post covid, concerns about his MH if he's only leaving the house once or twice a week with you etc.

Why do you go out to work then?

I work. I worked full time until recently, and it’s only within the last few months DH has started to leave the house.

Bizarre as it sounds, going out to work isn’t a relaxing experience! Who’d have thought?!

@Fourwallsclosingin sounds very similar to us actually. DH will have DS but it’s very unusual for him to go out with him alone. He certainly doesn’t do so unprompted and it’s maybe once every couple of months, if that.

My husband started to work from home permanently at the start of covid so since March 2020. So it shall soon be 3 years.it has basically destroyed our marriage. He is exactly the same as your husband, never goes anywhere. Its ended up making him depressed altho he would never admit that was the cause.