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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH always home and driving me crazy

73 replies

Fourwallsclosingin · 03/12/2022 07:12

Help please!! DH has been wfh for a year and a half since our baby was born, I'm a SAHM. He doesn't go anywhere, except for collecting our online shopping once a fortnight (20 min). I am sick of the sight of him and don't think it's healthy being together 24/7. I do try and go out, but it's frustrating he's ALWAYS home. I feel like I have no personal space. If I say something it will hurt his feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 03/12/2022 08:22

Are you expecting him to go out in the week? If he’s working M-F it’s pretty normal that he’s actually working and can’t go out in the week.

Its not unreasonable to to want some alone time but it is unreasonable to think you have more ownership over the home.

Why doesn’t he take DC out on a Saturday morning to the park and to get a cake and babyccino? That would give you a couple hours alone time to kick off the weekend.

Beanbagtrap · 03/12/2022 08:22

Arrivederla · 03/12/2022 08:07

It's not normal to be at home all the time with no social interaction at all. 😕

Very bad for your mental health actually.

Show quote history

It's pretty normal for a lot of hybrid/remote workers.

Dh and I do the school runs but apart from that we don't go out, we work, do school run, at the weekend we ferry kids to clubs, we work. Rinse and repeat.

I'm not sure what we could do to 'go out' on our own. Sit in the library for hours? We can't afford much else!

EnolaJ · 03/12/2022 08:28

OP do you think this is less what he's doing and more that you're not getting out and doing as much as usual?

You mentioned you didn't notice when you both worked in the office, it sounds like things are actually only different now for you and it might be more what you need to do to meet your needs and balance rather than what you need your partner to do

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2022 08:39

I'm used to being very social and going out alot, so probably now being a SAHM doesn't help either, and going out at night is now a thing of the past.

Why is it a thing of the past? If your DP doesn’t want to go out he’s always available for evening childcare duty…

Why was the last time he took your toddler out alone in August?

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2022 08:41

Are his parents good grandparents? Can he take toddler there for a few hours every other weekend?

cleanfreak12345 · 03/12/2022 08:41

When our DD was still at an age where she was happy in the pushchair my DH would take her out daily for a four mile walk

He loved it and so did she, it gave me some much needed time to myself but my DH is quite active. He will now take her to the park on foot or on her trike, fresh air is good, staying cooped up is depressing

KarmaStar · 03/12/2022 08:47

Be careful what you wish for op.

Ivyonafence · 03/12/2022 08:47

Christmas present ideas for DH: a gym membership, photography class, golfing lessons....

NoelNoNoel · 03/12/2022 08:54

You could ask him to take your DC out for half a day each weekend to give you some space at home.
Also make the most of him always being there and go out in the evenings a couple of times a week. Late night shopping, swimming, cinema etc.
Just because he doesn’t want what many others would consider a full life it doesn’t mean you have to sit in with him 24/7.

weaselish · 03/12/2022 09:09

Go to work then?

thelobsterquadrille · 03/12/2022 09:13

YANBU.

It's also really unhealthy to sit at home all day, everyday. Surely his mental health is being impacted living like this?

thelobsterquadrille · 03/12/2022 09:14

@Beanbagtrap it might be your normal but it's not a very healthy way to live your life.

Do you never go out and meet friends? Go and get any exercise or fresh air? It doesn't have to cost money to leave the house.

Lcb123 · 03/12/2022 09:16

You’re definitely not unreasonable to want space. Speak to him about it - you can do it in a positive way, not moaning. Maybe ask him to plan some trips out with DS. Personally it sounds very unhealthy to not go out, what about exercise/sunlight?

Tiredallofthetime · 03/12/2022 09:22

YANBU.

DH has thankfully had to combine the office with WFH.

I have been on a number of these discussions and people always accuse the OP of trying to dominate the home environment and it isn’t that. Someone working in the home environment changes it for everyone else. I had a long maternity leave due to the pandemic - was signed off at 28 weeks - and DH was working from home. Even things like cleaning the house with music on which is a very small thing really and of course you put up with in the context of a pandemic but when you can’t ever do that - and you can’t have friends or family over, and the dining room is now an office, and you hear Teams calls constantly - yes, it does impede on life. As it would impede on DHs life if I decided to get a role WFH.

When I had the baby it was stressful - just get him off to sleep and DH would APPEAR, wanting to chat - just wanted a bit of me time!

We’ve adapted now but I’m glad he isn’t at home all the time. It wasn’t good for him as an individual or us as a couple.

Skadoo · 03/12/2022 09:22

He needs to have Father/Son time with his child, this could be a weekly thing every weekend and he can take him out for breakfast somewhere leaving you to have a lovely lie in. Or take a snack to the park or a place that is inside so that rain doesn't stop play. Play gyms, libraries, parks. That way you will have the house to yourself and he will spend one on one with his son.

Also you can leave the house and leave him and Ds behind so he gets a sense of what you do every day, ie no back up parent to watch Ds whilst you go to the loo.

Oblomov22 · 03/12/2022 09:25

YANBU
Encourage him to go out for a walk, meet friends, anything.

Hopemax · 03/12/2022 09:28

I think its worrying that he doesn't go out. I disagree with other posters which say this is normal and you are UR. It's very unhealthy for him to be home all the time, everyone needs fresh air, exercise and human interaction other than with their partner/child. My DH works from home but leaves the house for walks and to run errands as well as doing things as a family on weekends. He wouldn't be at all offended if I asked for him to take the DC to the park, swimming, library etc so I could have a little time to myself.

Ginmonkeyagain · 03/12/2022 09:32

I would have cracked a long time before now. You need space and he needs to get out the house. Surely he must leave the house sometimes? There must be errands and chores that need doing that involve leaving the house?

A walk or a run costs nothing and is incredibly beneficial for mental and physical health.

Ginmonkeyagain · 03/12/2022 09:38

For example there is a shop in a town centre about 3 miles away that sells an artisan gin my dad will like. Instead of ordering it online I am going to walk over there and back via a local wood to check out the holly and ivy availability as I want to do fresh greenery Christmas decorations this year.

So Christmas shopping, exercise and some mood boosting immersion in nature in one errand.

Some people seem to have become so lazy and homebound and then they wonder why they feel so low and flat all the time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 09:40

There have been so so many threads recently from people who no longer like going out, they’re depressed, detached, relationships have changed since lockdowns, they love home and their bubble. I haven’t seen a single reply calling them unhealthy, mentally unwell or selfish. They’re inundated with sympathy, support and understanding.

He likes being at home. He’s getting his work done, he’s not being intentionally annoying or obstructive, he’s still getting the shopping in, he’s doing family stuff at weekends.

I can’t see the problem tbh. Presumably you being a SAHM is by mutual agreement and you did that knowing he was wfh. If you want space from him you need to go out, it’s not up to him to vacate his home so you can just not see him.

Ivyonafence · 03/12/2022 09:47

Apart from anything else, what do you talk about when you've spent all day together? It's incredibly boring.

cansu · 03/12/2022 09:48

You need to start going out and letting him stay home with your child. If he wants to stay home that's fine but I don't see why you should. Go to a class and start arranging things for the evening. I live with someone similar. I now do a couple of things every week.

haku89 · 03/12/2022 10:04

I know how you feel! What I've learned is that me being in the house doesn't impact DH's enjoyment of time to himself in the house, but for me having someone present does impact my ability to truly relax. I'm sure it's partly on me - I think deep down I'm anxious about being judged for how I spend my time and will feel much more at ease if I'm alone at home. But the main thing is it's important to recognise that having some time at home alone is valuable to you, and try to help him understand. He isn't doing anything wrong by being in his home and you can't demand he goes out, but you can tell him it's important to you and you appreciate it and over time hopefully you'll find ways that work as a family.

tothelefttotheleft · 03/12/2022 10:08

Fufumcgoo · 03/12/2022 07:20

Yes your being unreasonable and you know it.

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want some time in the house without him being there. It sounds suffocating.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/12/2022 10:08

Hmmm, it’s tricky because if he’s happy, you can’t force him to go out just to give you time alone in the house.

I’d focus on going out at the weekends-you or as a family. Draw attention to how good it feels to blow off the cobwebs!