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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DDs older sister buying presents

70 replies

eelieza · 02/12/2022 22:10

I have a 6yo and shes got an older adult sister, theyre very close and does a lot for her. but older sister is not mine, and I'm not with the dad any more.
My DD's older sister she has told some of the family/me what she's got for my 6yo and in all she has spent a few hundred pounds
I got lots of small gifts for dd and one "big" one whereas she got a few "big" gifts so it outshines what I have bought.
I'm sure she is only thinking about her sister and not meaning it to be horrible.
I'm not sure what to call how I feel about it.
Each christmas we give/recieve token gifts so I didnt think I needed to mention its out of order, or is it?
Theyre very nice gifts and although this is very kind of her I dont feel like its her place.
Or should I just accept them because its about the kids?
Everyone told her it would be too much before she bought them and she did it anyway.
To give some back story she wants her own children but her husband wants to wait.
I dont feel comfortable accepting/declining the gifts so am on the fence about it.

OP posts:

marshmallowhearts · 02/12/2022 22:13

It doesn’t sound like your DD’s big sister did it to spite you, more out of the goodness of her heart or excitement etc. If they’re good presents that your DD would use and love, I think I would be appreciative that someone loves her enough to give her nice things. If “Santa” had brought them you wouldn’t get credit then either.

missnevermind · 02/12/2022 22:14

I think it's lovely that she wants to buy her sister these things. She's not trying to outdo you. She genuinely thinks her sister will enjoy opening them.
They have a special relationship and with the age difference she is able to do these things for her.
Let them enjoy it.

LBFseBrom · 02/12/2022 22:15

The older sister bought the gifts because she wanted to and loves your daughter. I think it's lovely. It is nice for them to have each other so don't say anything to spoil that. She is not in competition with you, you are your daughter's mum and that won't change.

Create10 · 02/12/2022 22:17

If you DD believes in Santa then her sister can't outdo you, because she doesn't know that anything is from you.

Cr3ateAUsername · 02/12/2022 22:17

What do you mean you don’t think it’s her place? Thats her younger sister, if she’s in a position to buy her gifts, as long as they are appropriate, what’s the problem? Would you have this issue if the elder sister was your daughter?

Windtunnel · 02/12/2022 22:39

Some people love giving presents! If she can afford it, live and let live I say.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 02/12/2022 22:44

I think she sees herself as a second mother figure and adores your daughter.

Clearly she doesn't need to buy all these gifts but her heart is in the right place so I'm not sure I'd say anything.....

poefaced · 02/12/2022 22:46

Let it be.

RunLolaRun102 · 02/12/2022 22:47

She’s a sister. Let her buy whatever she wants. I do, however, think you should try and get her a small gift from your dd.

FlamingJingleBells · 02/12/2022 22:53

Bloody hell another insecure, overthinking parent on mnet tonight. Seriously, your dd has a mother and that's you, nobody can take your place. Be thankful that your dd has lots of people who care about her & want to spoil her. Or would you rather that the big sister ignored your dd?

Isahlo · 02/12/2022 22:54

its lovely
why don’t you and dd go and pick something for big sis

SirenSays · 02/12/2022 22:55

Isahlo · 02/12/2022 22:54

its lovely
why don’t you and dd go and pick something for big sis

This is a great idea

latetothefisting · 02/12/2022 23:00

I wouldn't be bothered about being outshone, but the only thing I would be a bit concerned about is if your dd gets used to getting all these really expensive gifts off her sister, and then in a few years, just when she starts wanting the actually expensive things teens go for, her sister has her own kids and can't afford to spend as much on her anymore. For a 9/10/11 year old that might be a bit upsetting to go from hundreds of pounds worth of stuff to just a normal token present.

Could you ask her sister to give something smaller at Christmas, and give her a bigger present at some point throughout the year as a surprise instead? That way she's not overshadowing anyone, it's even more exciting for dd, and if she does have to stop dd won't be expecting it as she will come to expect for birthdays/christmas. Or suggest dsis spends the money on a special day out just for the two of them instead?

Parkmama · 02/12/2022 23:02

YABU with this, just feel grateful that her older sister is interested and is clearly very fond of her. Your DD will have no awareness of the financial value of these gifts, that's such an adult concept. You're definitely appearing very insecure which is a shame. Embrace her generosity and show your appreciation

pechecreme · 02/12/2022 23:18

Your daughter is very lucky to have an older adult sister who takes an interest in her. I wasn't so lucky. There nothing 'out of order' about it.

pechecreme · 02/12/2022 23:19

You don't need to add backstory about your step daughter and her husbands fertility.

TrashyPanda · 02/12/2022 23:21

Create10 · 02/12/2022 22:17

If you DD believes in Santa then her sister can't outdo you, because she doesn't know that anything is from you.

For many people, Santa brings the stockings.

everything else is from the actual gift giver

sounds like big sis is lovely

let them enjoy their relationship

KitchiHuritAngeni · 02/12/2022 23:22

You want yo deprive your dd of gifts from a sister who adores her out of jealousy you'll be 'outshone'?

There's absolutely no need for the beckstory at all. She is being a loving sister, not trying to steal your dd.

jtaeapa · 02/12/2022 23:24

Your 6yo will get a load of nice stuff that you didn't have to pay for. Everyone's a winner here. Forget about it and let them crack on.

Sewaccidentprone · 02/12/2022 23:30

Ds1’s uncle always spends more on ds1 than we do. But he earns approx 5 x the amount we do and is single with no children.

I don’t think the amount you spend matters, just that you’re buying something they’ll love that you have put thought into.

Why shouldn’t her sister spend what she wants. It’s not as if your daughter will be totting up who’s spent what etc.

it’s only money, it doesn’t represent anything more than that.

WhoHasMovedMyBrain · 02/12/2022 23:50

I'm sure you love your daughter and want what's best for her so once you get over your insecurity and your strange ideas of whose place is where you will se that you win on two fronts:

Your daughter gets more lovely gifts

Your daughter has a sister who loves her and Cares for her and has a close bond with her. That's invaluable.

Please don't put your dd's sister into her place whereever
you think that is just because you are jealous. If they are close that is a very good thing for your daughter and when she is older she will appreciate that you supported and facilitated her relationship with her sister much more than she will appreciate you for giving her the bigger Christmas presents.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/12/2022 23:55

Your DD is only 6 years old, she can't add well enough to total up the amount you spent versus the amount her sister spent and decide sister loves her more or she loves sister more.
Lose your jealousy and be glad that the two sisters have a good relationship.
Your are being very unreasonable.

dreambeam · 03/12/2022 00:03

So your daughter should get less presents to not hurt your feelings? Is this the personality type that would lose money if their enemy lost even more

flyingant · 03/12/2022 00:37

I mean this gently, but it seems like you want your daughter to be most appreciative/grateful for your gift - why is that? Does it matter who she is getting lovely gifts from? It's lovely that she has a big sister who wants to give her gifts.

Changingplace · 03/12/2022 00:42

Talk about trying to create an issue out of someone doing a nice thing!

She’s buying her sister Christmas presents, it’s very kind of her to spend her money on your daughter, and you should be grateful they clearly have a great relationship.

It’s not about you, or being outshone whatsoever.

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