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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this man sound sinister to you or deeply unpleasnat or am I too sensitive...

69 replies

rollinrollinrollin · 02/12/2022 16:37

I will admit that my boundaries have been skewed over the last number of years after enduring 2 decades of an ea marriage.During that time I met a man , late 40's, divorced with 2 other long term relationships behind him.He has kids but not much of a relationship with them. His kids are from 2 different relationships. He is charming, chatty , funny and handsome. He is also rigid, stubborn,awkward and petulant. We have had many arguments where he has effectively given me the silent treatment for days,stonewalled me, punished me through pretending he doesnt have a care in the world by ignoring me for a few days.He has literally left me high and dry in the middle of an argument and driven off leaving me alone in a random town on a number of occasions.This has always been when he has been proven to be telling a lie or when he is being proven wrong.He hates being wrong, he doesnt apologise. He can be very petty and quite childish during a row.Its strange. Our rows centre around his inability to communicate and work through an issue.He shuts me down, stonewalls me, ignores/silent treatment and then waits till i come back when we reconcile. The rows always last a few days and it has been me who has pursued him to reconcile but the last row was the last time.The relationship is over.He cannot contact me whatsoever. I have found him to start to become quite controlling lately, bossy ,offering unsolicited advice, commenting and judging me on my business and almost sneering me at times.Like mocking almost.Commneting on my social life with my friends and insisting on dropping and collecting me when out socially without him. I've seen him be mean to his younger kids and was sarcastic and pass remarkable on other occasions. As time went on he became more and more of a dick. He has let me down and not shown up for me when I needed him, bang in the middle of a tantrum.So he could not put aside his tantrum and support me.He knew I had no help and badly needed it.He actually did not care.That was the bottom line. I know he was deeply unpleasant as time went on but what else was at play here.Have I dodged a massive bullet here or is there part of me that was hypersensitive to previous ea. Thanks.Sorry for lack of paragraphs.

OP posts:
notnowB · 02/12/2022 17:29

Why, why, why would you be with this man? Sad

seaweedhead · 02/12/2022 17:34

What is the point of this relationship. He's making your life a misery- get rid.

SinnerBoy · 02/12/2022 17:34

What a horrible, controlling loser he is. You've definitely done the best thing for yourself by getting rid of him. He's a bully, plain and simple. Don't ever be tempted to respond to him, if he manages to contact you.

Clarinet1 · 02/12/2022 17:36

OP, it sounds to me as though you may be repeating a pattern in your relationships. This man is also abusing you and the good bits you sometimes get don’t make up for the bad bits. I think that some time to work on your sense of self-worth would be good, possibly with a counsellor or therapist.

openinggambit · 02/12/2022 17:37

He sounds like a total nutter, run for the hills.

CarefreeMe · 02/12/2022 17:37

driven off leaving me alone in a random town on a number of occasions.

YANBU

But it’s hard for me to have sympathy when you’ve allowed this behaviour for so long.

Even if my husband of 30 years drive off and left me in a random town once it would have been the end of the relationship.

But you allowed this to happen ‘on a number of occasions’.

There comes a point where you have to take some responsibility for allowing yourself to be treated like this.

I really hope you have learnt from this that you can’t change someone or make them love you.
If they don’t respect you then you need to respect yourself and end it.

Sunnytwobridges · 02/12/2022 17:38

Run. He sounds like my ex, never owned up to anything, gaslighting me into thinking it was all my fault, ghosting/stonewalling for days, even weeks. I put up with it cause I honestly was desperate for companionship, I wasted a decade on him and I regret it every day. don't waste your time on him, it's better to be alone than with a prick like that believe me.

Ishoos · 02/12/2022 17:39

Run for the hills and do not look back. I know someone has mentioned this upthread, but please consider doing the Freedom Programme. freedomprogramme.co.uk

Flowers
SRS29 · 02/12/2022 17:49

OP do you really need to ask? Just look at what you have written, what would you say if that was a friend .....run (preferably skip) away pronto ......good luck 🍀

Charlize43 · 02/12/2022 17:51

I think you've answered your own question.

He's not someone I'd want to cast my lot with...

ImissSclub7 · 02/12/2022 17:55

TooGood2BeFalse · 02/12/2022 16:46

P.S My ex husband could also could be described as charming,funny and handsome. I didn't find the final headbutt that funny.

^That's really sad, just shocking. @rollinrollinrollin ex sounds a nasty piece of work.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 02/12/2022 17:55

Would have been all over the first time he drove off and left me alone somewhere. You have dodged a bullet.

TheShellBeach · 02/12/2022 17:59

Its hard when he could be so sweet and generous and kind

You could say that about any number of horrible human beings, OP.
I am so glad you've kicked him into touch. Well done. He sounds awful.

Sirius3030 · 02/12/2022 18:02

Sounds like a great bloke ☹️

Ittybittytittycomittee · 02/12/2022 18:02

Jeffrey Dahmer was also charming and kind on occasions!

PearlclutchersInc · 02/12/2022 18:03

Time to cut yourself loose or at least plan to.... sooner rather than later. That is not the behaviour of any decent human being.

supersop60 · 02/12/2022 18:10

rollinrollinrollin · 02/12/2022 17:01

Christ I feel like such an absolute fool but appreciate your replies very much.Its hard when he could be so sweet and generous and kind

The Kray twins loved their mother, and I believe Hitler liked kittens.
You have dodged a bullet, OP. Now get some therapy so you can identify and defend your boundaries.

FOJN · 02/12/2022 18:18

Its hard when he could be so sweet and generous and kind

Maybe his kindness was genuine but I'd be more inclined to think that when alternated with periods of silent treatment it was part of a program of "conditioning".
If only you were more reasonable he'd be lovely all the time, you should work harder to please him!

It really doesn't matter if he's sinister or just unpleasant, you are well rid of this man.

Original poster
rollinrollinrollin · 02/12/2022 18:21

Why have I allowed myself to be treated like shit.He always told me that I was too nice, naieve, too much empathy.He felt I was too good for him. He was shit for giving personal compliments and rarely if ever.It nearly choked him to tell me I looked well if going out...I always looked tired though..... If you met me you would think I'm confident, sociable, kind and well able to manage my life and that of my kids. This fucker has nothing.No relationships with kids, no money, no home of his own and problems at work. He never arranged a night away , a holiday or any event really. I'm an organiser by nature so didnt mund too much but ended paying majority of our outgopings. What the hell is wrong with me..... Who have I become

OP posts:
Hillrunning · 02/12/2022 18:28

OP may I suggest you look up the 2009 mumsnet post called 'Right, listen up everybody'.

I'm sure it used to be pinned. It really lays out the perspective many of us want to give but don't take the time to fully write out. I've tried to link it for you but I never seem to manage it.

Well done for recognising that this man is awful.

SinnerBoy · 02/12/2022 18:32

What the hell is wrong with me..... Who have I become

Its a drip, drip, drip boiling frog effect. Don't blame yourself too much, pick yourself up and leave him in your dust. You are a valuable person, he's rubbish.

ICanHideButICantRun · 02/12/2022 18:32

You mustn't forget all these things, OP. He's somehow managed to make you feel that he's a catch, when he's anything but.

Make two lists: one of all the bad things - the way he made you feel, everything. Then write a list of all the good things and how those made you feel.

Then look at when he did the good things - did he want something from you? He was drawing you in at that point - he would have known through instinct when to do it. Think about it - what did he do when he was being nice and what did the nice thing follow or precede?

Now look again at the bad things, for instance, him ghosting you. Look at when he did them. How did you react? Did you call him 100s of times? Plead with him? Buy him something? When did he know you had caved in? At what point would he smile at you? Did you ask for forgiveness?

It's only when you analyse everything that you get a good picture of what was really going on. You can do the list on here if it helps - we can ask questions to make sure you really understand what was happening.

bluejelly · 02/12/2022 18:34

He sounds like my ex. Every day I thank god I left him. We'll done for seeing the light. I haven't looked back and have been with the loveliest kindest human for 15 years now. Don't ever accept an arsehole again, you are worth so much more Flowers

Heartsofstone · 02/12/2022 18:36

bin this jerk now!
you deserve more.
his better attributes are fake
he is showing his true self … listen and run.

Fenella123 · 02/12/2022 18:46

OP, when people talk about give and take in a relationship, they're talking about stuff like not giving the OH grief the ONE time they have a cold and don't load the dishwasher.

A partner is supposed to be a welcome addition to your life! Not a petulant, lying dick! When you find out someone is a petulant, lying, sulking dick, you do THIS

Does this man sound sinister to you or deeply unpleasnat or am I too sensitive...
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