Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is looking an ex up cheating?

69 replies

littlerayofsunshine0 · 02/12/2022 10:18

Would you say looking up an ex is cheating?
I looked up an ex a few years ago after hearing hed been diagnosed with cancer. I never reached out to him, nor thought about reaching out. I looked him up to read a post he put up about being diagnosed.
To my partner it meant i still have feelings or wanted to contact him and in his eyes its as good as cheating. Ive tried to explain myself many times but because i tried to hide the fact i done this knowing my partner wouldnt be happy he thinks im hiding more. I honestly only looked up his post

OP posts:
cakecoffeecakecoffee · 02/12/2022 10:20

No it isn’t.

unless you engage with them emotionally or any other way. Just looking someone up is nothing.

SeenAndNot · 02/12/2022 10:20

No that’s not cheating, of course it’s not. Many people are in contact with ex’s on regular basis for many reasons and manage not to have sex with them.

Your other half is overreacting big time.

IamSmarticus · 02/12/2022 10:21

Of course it isn't cheating, your partner is being ridiculous! If I heard that an ex had been diagnosed with something like that, I would probably also look them up.

You say 'a few years ago', is your partner still bringing it up?

x2boys · 02/12/2022 10:21

I have looked up ex,s on Facebook out of curiosity,I didn't consider it cheating ,as I had no intention. If getting I. Touch or any feelings for them ,just natural curiosity.

NoseyNellie · 02/12/2022 10:21

I get that your partner might question why you’re looking up an ex but after you gave an explanation that should be that. Jumping to further conclusions just stinks of them having a jealousy problem - which is their problem not yours.

Are you just thinking about this now randomly or are you saying that your partner is still bringing this up?

MuthaHubbard · 02/12/2022 10:22

Of course it isn't

Nchangeagain · 02/12/2022 10:24

No, unless you looked him up for the purpose of having an affair, which you've said isn't the case, and your dp should believe your explanation.
The fact he didn't is more worrying.

Trisolaris · 02/12/2022 10:25

Of course it’s not! You had a life before you met him and people you cared about. You might not be in love with someone any more but when you’ve heard they are going through a tough time it’s only natural to think about them and wonder how they are doing.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 02/12/2022 10:26

Of course not! Is your Partner still bringing up the issue. Is he jealous in other ways? Tbh if I’d heard than an ex had cancer I would have done the same and probably sent a message of support.

dolorsit · 02/12/2022 10:32

Bloody hell, I once looked up an ex who had stalked me. I wanted to know what the bastard was doing and if he was still in a certain area.

If you are repeatedly looking someone up it might be an issue but once in a blue moon it's not.

SpinningFloppa · 02/12/2022 10:36

Obviously not

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/12/2022 10:37

Your partner is immature and controlling.

Polecat07 · 02/12/2022 10:46

It isn't, I too would assume your partner is insecure, controlling, and has trust issues.

Ncgirlseriously · 02/12/2022 10:49

Your partner is unreasonable and controlling. You didn’t even contact him!

I looked up my first boyfriend once during a relationship just because I couldn’t remember what his last name was and it was driving me insane. The idea that that would be considered cheating is laughable.

FirewomanSam · 02/12/2022 10:50

I looked at my ex’s Facebook page this morning because I had a dream about him last night and it made me wonder what he’s up to these days. No other motive behind it and hell would freeze over before I’d ever go anywhere near him again!

Your partner sounds very controlling. Is he really still giving you a hard time about looking at someone’s Facebook a few years ago?!

Twizbe · 02/12/2022 10:51

This is a load of red bunting from your partner.

5128gap · 02/12/2022 10:52

Your partner has very low emotional intelligence, high levels of insecurity and zero compassion or empathy. Anyone who can't understand why someone would be interested in the wellbeing of someone they were once close to with a serious illness, and turns that into a problem for themselves IS a problem. You've done nothing wrong and you need to be on your guard for your partners controlling and gaslighting of you.

10HailMarys · 02/12/2022 10:53

Of course it's not cheating. WTF?!

Your partner is an absolute dickhead.

PanicAtTheBigTesco · 02/12/2022 10:53

No it's not, I would say the majority of people look up exes from time to time. Is he still bringing this up now? And also how did he find out about this, did you tell him or did he look at your phone and see it for himself? If yes to either of those questions then he's a controlling prick.

Hawkins001 · 02/12/2022 10:53

For me,.if I looked up an ex, it would be to know if they are still married or have split, or reading of they are heading that way.

but as for direct contact, that would have to be my ex making first contact so it is not mixed signals so to speak.

LaLuz7 · 02/12/2022 10:55

Definitely not cheating. Your partner is being dramatic and ridiculous.

I look up my first boyfriend on Facebook once in a blue moon simply to check is karma has caught up with the asshole yet. So far he's only gotten fat 🙄

I also checked up on an American ex when I heard about a mass shooting in his hometown. He's a decent person, we broke up on good terms, none of us still carries a torch for the other, so why shouldn't I? Nothing inappropriate there.

lifeinthehills · 02/12/2022 10:57

If just looking up and not attempting to reconnect/start anything, of course not. I've looked up ex's just out of curiosity. I've looked up lots of people who were never boyfriends either, of both sexes. It's just a curiosity. What I found sometimes reinforces why I'm glad to be rid of them.

HarvestThyme · 02/12/2022 10:59

It wouldn't have been cheating to contact the ex, either. See how he's doing, offer sympathy for his diagnosis.

You're allowed to care about your exes. Not every break-up is horrible or unforgivably angry. It doesn't mean that you want to get back together with them.

It's okay to want to know what happened to people you once loved. You can share that or not with a current partner. As long as there is no intention to cheat, or any plans to do something like meet up that may make your partner uncomfortable, it's no one's business but your own.

Your partner sounds immature and controlling.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/12/2022 11:00

Gosh, I've looked up ex's plenty of times with absolutely no intention or desire to rekindle anything. Pure curiosity, that's all.

Jenny00 · 02/12/2022 11:03

Hi, I apologise for interrupting someone’s thread , I need a bit of reassurance :( I am a bit worried. I have set up mail redirection to protect myself from an ex. I am aware a letter on confirmation gets sent out. Will the letter show my billing details? I.e my billing address that I used to pay for redirection. I don’t want it getting in to the hands of others