Is looking an ex up cheating?

[littlerayofsunshine0]

Would you say looking up an ex is cheating?
I looked up an ex a few years ago after hearing hed been diagnosed with cancer. I never reached out to him, nor thought about reaching out. I looked him up to read a post he put up about being diagnosed.
To my partner it meant i still have feelings or wanted to contact him and in his eyes its as good as cheating. Ive tried to explain myself many times but because i tried to hide the fact i done this knowing my partner wouldnt be happy he thinks im hiding more. I honestly only looked up his post

Not sure what the voting options mean since you've phrased the question as looking up ex being cheating, but then it's your partner who actually thinks that and that you don't.

But no, looking up an ex is not cheating - or in any way wrong (unless you're doing it daily/ when your partner is trying to talk to you about something important - even then it's not cheating just rude/ indicative that you are still hung up on them)

Your partner is being controlling

My exes mum got cancer and I reached out to the family - we're both quite amicable so why wouldn't I?

My partner supported my decision and was sorry to hear the news as he is a sensible normal person - not a control freak!!!

haha. Of course I'd be fine with it. Although not really an issue as I think DH is at the very least on facebook with most of his ex's . We had dinner with one a few months ago.

I wouldn't even think to mention looking up someone to a partner because it's such a non-event (unless I found out something interesting worth sharing).

As others have said he's just trying to blame you for his own bad behaviour when you did nothing wrong!

Agree that he was probably cheating with the woman who is now pregnant and is trying to wrangle it in his mind so that what he did was justified because you "cheated" first. Wouldn't be surprised if that baby is born full-term in 4 months or so.......

OP you can do so much better. You are better off by yourself and with your lovely kids than with a man who will try to manipulate you about an ex with cancer after you've given birth. Everyone looks up exes, I do it every few years, same as with old friends I've lost contact with.

He had serious issues regarding other men. I've never cheated or even wanted to cheat, I was his and I loved him, I still do. I dunno how to switch off these feelings after such a long time together. It was always his insecurities that caused issues and then that led to me withhold stuff because I knew the reaction I would get.

he tells me if I'd just been honest and not withhstuff we wouldn't be in this position but the thing is it wouldn't have mattered if I'd just been honest I'd still listen and deal with the inevitable. I've tried so many times to explain this l, that I'm not this dishonest person. I just feared telling him to stop a row or silent treatment or hundreds of questions or accusations. He doesn't understand. And now I'm left feeling that I'm totally the issue and I'm so upset. The whole wrong doings come down to me and I solely believe it now. I should've just been open and honest, I know that but it was to save the reaction.. Look where its got me now (and that's basically what he's saying too) so I feel like utter shit

Ah. Now you've updated, I can see the problem. He's an arsehole who ran off with another woman and got her pregnant.

You're wondering if your behaviour is to blame.

The problem ain't you, OP.

Woah woah WOAH. Have I got this right?

You dated your high school boyfriend at 16.

You got together with your partner shortly after.

At some point around 16 years into your relationship, shortly after giving birth to your first child, you heard your high school boyfriend had cancer so you looked him up on Facebook.

Your partner found out you had looked up the ex with cancer, got angry with you and proceeded to give you shit about it for the next four years (!) until…

…two months ago when he walked out on you for another woman, who is now pregnant, and he claims he has done this because he still can’t forgive you for looking up your ill high school boyfriend once.

And you are now sat here wondering if it’s all your fault and if he was right to be angry for years, walk out on you and get another woman pregnant because you looked at a Facebook page.

Is all that actually right?! Because he has well and truly done a number on you if you are seriously questioning YOUR behaviour after all that. You need to get some support. Have you talked to friends or family in real life about this? Tell them exactly what you’ve told us here and I’d wager the expressions on their faces will tell you everything you need to know.

So you don't think I done anything wrong? This seems to be the main answer I'm getting from everyone. I genuinely was not in contact with the guy nor even thought of it out of respect to the father of my kids. I had no intention of reaching out. It simply was curiosity. But he CANNOT understand my intentions and because things had grew cold between us (because I was always being accused of something)

I doubt the new girlf who is only 23 (14 yrs younger than us) will have the same treatment. I initially thought he'd do this with any future partners but now all I can think is how wrong I was, how insecure I MADE HIM FEEL, that I think its all me, all my fault and she'll be able to gain his trust because I was totally out of line. I loved this man with all my heart. I would have never caused him unnecessary hurt or pain yet I'm the one suffering with all this heartache now and I could somehow manage to deal with the fact he's a 23 yr old gf but I can't deal with the fact she's pregnant so soon. My kids haven't even met her and all of a sudden she's having their half brother or sister. My son is struggling to cope with all the changes in the last 2 months and wants his dad home. How's he gonna cope with daddy having new baby and lives with that baby instead of him and his sister. It will break him

Your partner cheated on you and has managed to make you think it’s all your fault. I feel so so awful for you. You have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong, ok?

Hes a twat! You've done nothing wrong! I search whoever I want on Facebook, my husband wouldn't care less. Neither would I on who he searches for. You've done nothing wrong.

No you haven’t done anything wrong.

What makes you think a man who has been crazy insecure and jealous for twenty years, who seems to have cheated and then got a much younger woman pregnant in like 5 minutes would suddenly be a secure and reasonable man to that new person? I feel for her in a way; they barely know each other, accidental I assume pregnancy, and he’s quite a bit older with known insecurity and jealousy. Of course he’ll be like that to her.

He was totally unreasonable about you looking at the exes social media and used that as an excuse to be controlling and as a stick to beat you with. You didn’t cause him to do this, it’s who he is. He’ll be the same if not worse to her because you best believe he’s telling her you cheated on him and will use that as a reason to be an insecure controlling dick to her too.

Where is your anger? He’s treated you appallingly!! I think you need to find it quickly.

I really don't think he cheated. He started to seeing this girl about 2 or 3 weeks after walking out. We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else's business. And from what I can gather she was with a guy for 5 yrs and it was her that cheated on him with my now ex. I think my ex was with her for sex and obviously to boost his ego. He seems like he's in turmoil over this new pregnancy but refuses to tell her. I've had to listen to it from him. It's written all over his face he's worried. When he thought about a third child he thought it would be with me and vice versa and sharing the experience with our kids. I'm not sure how a 23 yr old and 37 yr old work out in terms of generational things as well. He wanted to come back and work things out with me but now feels stuck to be with her because of the baby and because he's afraid I'll be dishonest with him again

He wanted to come back and work things out with me but now feels stuck to be with her because of the baby and because he's afraid I'll be dishonest with him again

OP - please. Just don't. Leaving aside the fact that he left, made someone else pregnant and now wants to leave her (with the baby, presumably) and wants to come back to you, he's going to hold this looking up and ex over your head to keep you in line for ever. It'll be 'see, I KNEW I couldn't trust you!' over something or other every time he can and you'll end up a beaten down shell constantly questioning yourself - which he'll love, of course, because it means he's broken you.

Do you want to be broken, OP? or do you want to say to yourself, yes, it's hard, I still love him but he treats me badly and no man who does that is worth my time and I will get over this and I will get over him?

Yeah I don't understand what's wrong with me... Where is my anger??? Why do I just feel pain and sadness.. I just still have so much love for him and I'm sad that I've lost the last 20 yrs of my life, I'm sad for my children as well seeing as I grew up without my father in the picture. He wants to come and go here with the kids and all but I don't think he's thought about when this baby actually comes along nor the fact that the other girl is obviously worried that he comes to see the kids here so often. He also wants to spend Christmas with us so he can have Christmas with the kids and I'm torn on what to do. I know they'd love to have him here and I would too but it will break me at the sane time knowing next Christmas he'll have this new baby and it hurts

I cannot believe wita handful of weeks he's set to become a father again, it's breaking me. I just feel to blame for it all and if course what he'sdoesn't help saying

the last of that msg should say "and of course what he's saying doesn't help" as in him saying I caused him to feel insecure. It makes me feel like this breakup and my kids losing their dad is all my own doing. I should've just been honest and faced the consequences of what he was going to say

You have done nothing wrong.

He wanted to come back and work things out with me but now feels stuck to be with her because of the baby and because he's afraid I'll be dishonest with him again

Has he told you the last bit, about being afraid of your dishonesty? OP you need to believe us - he is LYING to you. He is lying. You have not been dishonest. He knows that you have not been dishonest. If it weren't this, it would be something else - talking to a work colleague too much, looking at the guy behind the counter at the shop too long, mentioning a friend's husband one too many times. He decided to walk out on his children and is trying to make it your fault. It isn't your fault. You've done nothing wrong. I actually don't think getting in touch would have been wrong either.

I personally would be amazed if he hadn't been cheating with this woman, or at least talking to her. Who meets a woman 15 years younger in a matter of weeks and starts dating them unless they've already got reason to think that particular woman will date them? But ok, say he wasn't. It was still his choice to just walk out. He knows he's the bad guy, he knows that he's breaking the kids' hearts, and he's trying to pin it on you. Don't fall for it!! and whatever you do, do not get back with him.

I know you're heartbroken right now, and sad for your children. It will get better. The best revenge is a life well lived. Make yourself a lovely safe loving home with your children, a home where you're not always in fear that your small innocent actions will be dragged up years down the line as an excuse to leave you. Your children have you as their anchor and safe harbour, you can be the stability that they need. Yes, the new baby will be hard. All you can do is be generic and positive about it, show no upset, make them feel loved. When they're old enough they will see their dad for what he is, and will see that they owe their happy loving childhood to you and to your strength in pulling through this for them.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling pain and sadness, he's just shown his true colours and ended a 20 year relationship of course it's going to hurt!

But you need to accept this was absolutely none of your fault at all, it was all him and one day you will realise just how much better of you and your babies are without him.

It sounds like you are still in contact with him a lot which will only be causing confusion, you need to cut all contact with him apart from to do with the kids, you will start to feel much better once you are speaking to him less frequently. As for Christmas yes it would be lovely for the kids to have him there but this is all still so raw and you need to put yourself first here, maybe that will be something to think about next year.

It sounds like he's realised the grass isn't always greener and he'd like to come home to his 'easy' life, please DO NOT let him weasle his way back in as he will just keep tearing you down until you are a shell of yourself. Find your anger

OP, you want him there because you feel that takes you back to how it was when you weren't hurting. But the pain is only partly because he's not there, it's also because of what he's done, and he'll bring that with him.
Unless you believe you can and want to stay with him despite this, having him back for Cristmas just wastes time you could be on your journey to recovery.