Is BIL Being Unreasonable?

[LindyHopathon]

NC for this.

BIL is always asking DH and me for money. Over the last two years we've given him £2,500.

He gets behind with his payments to utility companies, then makes no effort to stick to payment plans.

Today, he asked for a further £200 for his broadband, which he says he has not paid since June. I wish he'd mentioned it in June, so that there wasn't now a load of interest and charges on top of the original bill.

Would I BU not to give him the £200? I know quite well that he will never be able to pay us back (for any of it, not just the £200).

BIL has a lot of genuine health conditions and his sole source of income is state benefits. I feel so mean to be even considering not helping him out this time.

You should never have leant him any money in the first place.

I would say ‘we have lent you £2500 over the last 2 years-sorry, we can’t lend any more.’

Who is he exactly is he married to your sister or is he your husbands brother/

I think it depends on if you can afford it. If you can for me, I’d make the decision if it was my side and I’d let my husband make the decision if his side of the family, but express an opinion to be taken into account

the way you write this indicates it’s solely your decision though?

Sorry - he's DH's brother.

It isn't only my decision, but DH is a not tech-savvy and it's only I who knows how to use internet banking.

DH isn't sure what we should do.

You give an inch and they take a mile.

People like this take advantage of peoples nice nature.

Stop this, and nip this in the bud now. It’s not fair on you. You are not a charity.

If he can longer afford his broadband then he needs to cancel it. It is not a necessity in life.

Necessity’s are food, water, warmth and shelter. Anything else he needs to budget for not scrounge off family members.

He should also contact Citizens Advice or DWP to review his benefits/entitlements incase he isn’t being paid enough

You should never have leant him any money in the first place.

Unfortunately, OP has broken her 20/20 hindsight glasses and the TARDIS is out of order.

Broadband access is not life threatening so tell him to get lost —and take up jigsaws—

He’s consistently living beyond his means, if you keep topping up his finances he will continue to do so.

@Snnowflake Broadband is considered an essential now. You can't claim benefits without it. You can't message or read messages from your work coach, you can't fill in your journal...

do his health conditions mean he struggles with decision making?

if no and he just can’t be bothered to sort him out I’d tell him to jog on

if it does, then I would have a discussion about agreeing to help him sort his finances and perhaps take on specific bills as your finances allow. My moms sister has learning difficulties but holds down jobs and is married but cannot keep on top of bills. So my mom paid specific bills as it was better than the constant bailing out (and saved her money in the long run).

He may be able get help with budgeting and with setting up payment plans for outstanding Bill's through citizens advice or other organisations- he won't get help if you keep bailing him out and you are likely to end up having to take more and more bills on as he becomes dependent on you paying for utilities.

Unfortunately, living long term on disability benefits would mean that most things are beyond his means

I don’t see how your husbands ability to use internet banking is remotely relevant.

Is your husband normally indecisive like this, does he not have an opinion either way? It’s his brother.

No I wouldn't lend it to him. If he is on benefits, UC, etc he could be eligible for cheap broadband. BT does one for £20. Or don't give food but get some shopping bits. Creating a dependency is not only bad for you but for him as well.

Say no.

He's become reliant on you bailing him out. I

I don’t think OP has stated he is on universal credit (job seekers) has she?

He may be on PIP.

Even if he was on universal credit and was actively seeking a job and needing internet to access his journal it’s still not OP’s and her H’s responsibility to fund his broadband.

In your position I would kindly tell him that you are writing off the money he owes you and that he can see it as a gift and doesn't owe you anything else, but that you can't afford to help him financially with his bills for 6 months whilst you rebuild your savings. That feels kind (and acknowledges the truth) but still lets you say no to this.

I would also offer to go to citizens advice with him to help him get on top of his finances.

It depends on many things.
My dsis lives on disability benefits in a council house.
She manages perfectly well but she is very frugal and doesn’t drive. She has a bus pass.

Sorry - I meant that because I am the one who uses internet banking, it would be me who transferred the money. It clearly would be a joint decision.
DH is not being indecisive - he just isn't sure if we ought to be bailing out his brother all the time. I am not sure, either.

I'd stop helping him out financially as he'll never take responsibility and just keep on asking. Look into an IVA, after a year it wipes off debt (won't be able to get other credit/mortgage but doesn't sound like that's an issue).Then he needs to start living within his means. He'll never learn to budget if people keep bailing him out.

Absolutely not.

He's taken the piss enough.

BIL gets ESA, Adult Disability Payment (the lowest rate, though) and housing benefit. ADP replaced PIP in Scotland recentlt.

Absolutely not.

He's taken the piss enough.

If he cannot afford broadband why are you paying for it?

*Recently, I meant.