Am I being unreasonable to not want my MIL to take my baby with her to church?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I am not at all against going to church, believing in a particular religion or anything. But I also don't want my baby going to church with my MIL and SIL without me?

My DD is 5 months old today. My husband and I have plans to go out for a few hours on Saturday since it has been a long while. We asked MIL if she minded watching DD, to which she agreed, but did say she was going to take her to church with her (if she even goes).

My only real hesitation is me not wanting DD going somewhere without me being there? I'm fine with her being home with MIL and SIL, but going out without me or even Dad present is a little unsettling for me right now.

I think I'm just going to end up going with them if she decides she wants to go to church since DH and I have plans for around 1, so I should have the time to go to church and then come back home to change to go back out with DH.

Keep in mind, MIL and SIL do not drive, so they would have to wait for me or DH to come pick them up. I'm just not a fan of going to their church because there's a language barrier and I understand absolutely nothing the pastor says, and so I'm just sitting there with them, sometimes with DD, just listening to them speak, not knowing what to do, what's being said, where to look in the bible, when to stand, when to bow our heads, etc.

MIL will try to translate for me, but then I'm there for 5-6 hours listening to them preach in a language I don't understand and her trying to translate a few things for me here and there.

Yabu. Either mil can have her or not. If she gets upset during a long service then your mil has to deal with her

DD being away from home for an extended period of time is unsettling for me because it's unsettling for her.

For example, we live in the suburbs, so DD's hospital is 1.5hrs away from us driving, 2hrs with traffic. That's 2hrs down, 1-2hrs at her appointment, and then another 1-2hrs back home. Best believe on the way back home, I have to pull over at least 2x JUST to comfort and calm her down.

So for her to be confined to her car seat or someone's arms for 3-5hrs CONSECUTIVELY, I don't think she's going to be her usual happy self.

Not to mention, whenever she leaves the house, I'm more often than not with her because I'm transporting everyone to wherever we all have to go.

I was ready to say you were being very unreasonable for this "I'm fine with her being home with MIL and SIL, but going out without me or even Dad present is a little unsettling for me right now" until you mentioned a 5-6 hour service. With or without you, a tiny baby has no place in a church service this long.

Yabu sorry

If you have time to go to the church service, then surely you have time to be at home with your baby while mil goes to church?

'Taking a 5 month old anywhere unfamiliar, without their mum, for FIVE to SIX HOURS is insane'.

@MintJulia you do realise this is reality for a lot of working mums in America, and no they're not 'insane'.
^
I've happily left my 5 months old with a nanny for hours when we** go on holidays, and she's taken him for long walks etc.^

OP you're either comfortable with it or you're not. There's no wrong or right. I would be happy to let them go.

I had planned on it up until she told me "that's fine, I'll watch her, I'll take her with me to church"

To clarify, we had planned on just giving DD to MIL right before we left, so we can of course spend time with her and prepare her so we're not just dropping off an unhappy baby for someone else to deal with

YABU

I don’t understand why you and the baby are now going to church
just because she’s offered you aren’t now stuck between DD going or you and DD going
don’t go and MIL can watch her when she comes home if she’s happy to do that

Sounds like Orthodox. I'm Orthodox but have not taken my child since the start of the pandemic because children should not be exposed to covid. End of.

Why don’t you stick to your plan and keep baby at home in morning whilst MIL is at church and just hand over right before you go out? Just say she’s a bit young to sit for that long and would be noisy.

If you aren’t comfortable doing it, don’t. Baby is only 5 months old and mil taking him to church for multiple hours is, imo, over the top at any time.

Plus, currently, church services are a good place to catch covid (inside, lots of people standing and sitting close each other and singing etc) and other illnesses - I wouldn’t expose a 5 month old to this, if I could choose not to.

I was guessing Russian Orthodox, but I don't think they sit down.

Some of the US Baptist churches do a few hours too.

I know my parents would occasionally go to Polish mass when they had got up late, they seemed to think that went on a long time.

OP

Let her take her grand child to church, set her up with milk and nappies and whatever on the understanding that if she isn't settled your MIL takes her out.

This is probably more about MIL showing off her grandchild to her friends, she will probably come back with money stuffed into her pram after being handed round the church.

I come from a city with many different faiths in it and this sounds like Ethiopian Orthodox to me. During fasting periods (of which there are several in the year) services can last for several hours.
(The outdoor service in the summer lasts from 6.00.am until 1.pm and that includes a procession around the church grounds.)

If your MIL is happy to take DD for several hours I'd be glad of the break. If DD 'plays up' during the service then I'm sure MIL can deal with that, having had children herself 🙂

Surely the issue here is leaving the baby with someone who can't / won't comfort her reliably? You say MIL struggles to do so - how would this work even if they stayed home?

Yabu. You can't ask someone to take care of your child and then confine them to the house. She's 5 months ,if you can't be away from her or think she will struggle to be away from you and that's an issue then rearrange your plans. How was your mil going to get to church, can she not walk there? Would they always have asked you for a lift? Do they plan to get a taxi back?

Funny definition of insanity. I'm sure her little one would be just fine with her grandma in church.

5-6 hour church service with a young baby imo is way over the top. probably struggle with an hour. Babies get hungry and need nappy changes so it would be too much imo

I wouldn't let them take the baby to church. For one thing, it will be a COVID infection cesspit unless you live somewhere where indoor masking is still a thing. Hundreds of people on an indoor space singing is ripe for spread of airborne illness. Keep your baby safe from infection.

I wouldn't let someone take my baby to church either for 5-6 hours. Just say no OP, you clearly aren't comfortable with it.

If you feel uncomfortable with it, don't do it. You have agency, you're her mum, your feelings are valid.

Good childcare is not:

people who either can't comfort her or will just allow her to cry until she's tired enough to take her pacifier (which can go on until she's red in the face with literal tears and shaking and out of breath)

This is not a situation I would be happy to put my child in. Here's the source of your issue. Not the venue or the duration. **

Having read the comments, I think the easiest course of action is to tell your mil you don’t want your dd going to these places with covid still so active - it avoids the religion element. Ask her to leave a little early and you’ll collect her and sil at 1 pm.

No way a 5mo is going to be happy stuck in a church for 4hours. It’s not fair on them or anyone else in church. Does your MIL not remember what a 5mo is like?

We caught Covid in church, at a funeral 🤬
I can’t understand why you plan to leave your tiny baby with someone who generally can’t get her to settle? Let alone someone who will be in church for hours with an unhappy crying baby.
I couldn’t do that.