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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i ask my partner to cover all the bills instead of us sharing?

182 replies

twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 22:50

My partner works full time and earns around 200-250 per day. I am currently a stay at home mum to our DS who is almost 3 and DD who is 5 months old. I do intend to start work once my youngest is old enough to go nursery. For now i've been doing a private tutoring job from home which i only earn £550 per month. I could earn more but its hard to do more due to juggling the home and children. My partner expects me to contribute a share to all the bills, food shopping and anything related to the kids. By the time i have done all of this i have a very small amount of money left to myself or non at all. Sometimes I would like to buy myself books, or go out with a friend or get my hair done but just dont have much money left. Considering that my partner earns considerably more than i do, would it be fair if i asked him to cover all the bills , and with the money i earn i can use that to cover all expenses related to the kids and myself.

OP posts:
eelieza · 29/11/2022 22:51

You get less than minimum wage he should cover everything and the kids stuff and just have that to yourself

Original poster
twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 22:53

@eelieza I did think this too but thought it might be too much of a stretch to ask

OP posts:
Changingplace · 29/11/2022 22:53

You should pool all money as family money, pay all the bills & have equal spending amounts.

Why does he seem to think kids costs are yours to cover, they’re his kids too?

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 29/11/2022 22:55

Are the kids not his? if they are his he would have to contribute 50% or a salary promotional amount to childcare if you weren't at home along with his share of the bills and the children's expenses.

He sounds like an arse quite frankly. Must be nice to have a partner who does the vast majority of the parenting (probably the housework) and is also expected to pay more than they can afford for the privilege.

redbigbananafeet · 29/11/2022 22:56

Tell him you're going back to work full time and casually present him with the full time and after school childcare costs. They'll be higher than the current bills.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/11/2022 22:56

Are you married? If not, you're in a very, very vulnerable position. I think your partner's stinginess is a massive red flag. Your relationship doesn't sound like a partnership at all.

PonyPatter44 · 29/11/2022 22:57

Not this again. If you share children, you share household costs proportionally. So if all your bills (including children's costs) come to £1000, and your partner earns 85% of the household income, he puts in £850, you put in £150.

I despair of the number of times this question gets asked.

FlissyPaps · 29/11/2022 22:57

What does he do with his left over money OP?

Savings? The kids? Family days out?

Or does he have a hobby and selfishly spends it all on himself?

Onnabugeisha · 29/11/2022 22:57

I have voted, because I think YANBU to realise the current set up is grossly unfair, but your proposed solution to cover all child expenses is also grossly unfair and YABU to suggest it.

Your partner earns 10x what you do. Therefore he should be paying 91% of all bills and expenses(ie food) including child expenses and including necessary expenses for you (ie optometrist, dentist, essential clothing and toiletries).

You should both have equal spending money in £ and pence terms but % of income terms.

This is what you need to insist on. Do NOT get into a pattern of you pay for everything for the children. They are his children too and so he needs to cover 91% of the costs of them. Children only get more expensive as they grow up, not less expensive.

Once you are back to work, you recalculate the %s based on his earnings vs your earnings.

AndyWarholsPiehole · 29/11/2022 22:57

A decent partner wouldn't expect you to contribute in your circumstance.

Did you know he's a bit crap when you decided to have a baby or is it a new thing?

Original poster
twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:00

FlissyPaps · 29/11/2022 22:57

What does he do with his left over money OP?

Savings? The kids? Family days out?

Or does he have a hobby and selfishly spends it all on himself?

All of the above mentioned. I guess he feels like its his so he can do what he likes

OP posts:
Original poster
twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:01

@AndyWarholsPiehole No i wasnt aware. But in hindsight there were signs

OP posts:
Original poster
twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:03

@Aquamarine1029 No not married. We almost did but i refused then went and had another baby so i guess I am not very smart.

OP posts:
FlissyPaps · 29/11/2022 23:05

If you are in a relationship, cooking for him, cleaning for him, doing all the childcare and he is taking most of your money from you to cover half the expenses then this is financial abuse.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 29/11/2022 23:05

twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:00

All of the above mentioned. I guess he feels like its his so he can do what he likes

Show quote history

Did you not discuss finances before becoming a sahm?

You need a joint account and or a proportional payment system. He stopped being able to claim it was 'his money' when he had child number one not child number two.

You have walked into a trap that seems to catch a lot of women put and you are now in a very precarious position.

You need to work put at this point if he's an idiot or financially abusive. If he's an idiot lay your cards on the table and tell him to play fair. And get married even if it's just a registry office no party job.

If he's financially abusive you need to make plans to get back into work so you are in a position to control you own life.

Either way he needs to start being a parent and a partner not acting like a child free man with a flatmate.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 29/11/2022 23:06

Bill him for childcare or as someone else suggested tell him you are going back to work and the childcare costs needs splitting.

This is so common but so totally unfair that blokes don't seem to take in to account how much you are saving the family in childcare cost.

What an arsehole and I wouldn't want to stay with someone who was so fine to leave me with no money.

visuallanguage · 29/11/2022 23:07

Why do you not just have joint money and be done with it? How can he expect you - the mother if his two children - to be living like this? What the hell is actually wrong with him? Where does the rest of his money go? How on earth did you get in this situation in the first place? How do men like this even exist? What is wrong with society in this country and who the hell brings these 'men' (I obviously use term loosely) up? I despair for the future. How can you even ask if YABU? So any questions, but sorry OP, I can't believe it. He is a terrible person. I'm sorry. Utter disgrace. I could not even be in the same room as him.

Original poster
twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:07

@Changingplace He does cover costs towards the kids. But i thought i would offer to just cover that myself so it doesnt seem like im being selfish and not wanting to contribute towards anything

OP posts:
Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 29/11/2022 23:11

twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:07

@Changingplace He does cover costs towards the kids. But i thought i would offer to just cover that myself so it doesnt seem like im being selfish and not wanting to contribute towards anything

He covers a tiny amount of the costs towards kids. One of the biggest costs in early years is childcare. You not working and therefore not earning (I appreciate you do some work) is a cost in exactly the same way a nursery is a cost. And he is in no way covering that.

Original poster
twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:11

@visuallanguage honestly dont know how it happened. It just happened gradually over time. Looking back i should have put my food down

OP posts:
Leemoe · 29/11/2022 23:11

twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:03

@Aquamarine1029 No not married. We almost did but i refused then went and had another baby so i guess I am not very smart.

OK fair enough you've been a bit stupid
Nevermind. Tell him now that you want a big wedding.(he needs to pay for this(

Once you are married and you are entitled to half of everything' so tell him you will be splitting everything proportionally from now on

He won't want to lose half of his house and pension.

Et voilà
Job done ✔

TheGoodEnoughWife · 29/11/2022 23:12

You are contributing a whole lot of childcare?! Contributions are not just financial.

How do you think he manages to go to work and earn all 'his' money with two children? Oh yea, YOU take care of the children so he can do that. Remind him of this.

WelliesandWine88 · 29/11/2022 23:12

Changingplace · 29/11/2022 22:53

You should pool all money as family money, pay all the bills & have equal spending amounts.

Why does he seem to think kids costs are yours to cover, they’re his kids too?

This!

Original poster
twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:12

twinklestarin · 29/11/2022 23:11

@visuallanguage honestly dont know how it happened. It just happened gradually over time. Looking back i should have put my food down

foot down *

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 29/11/2022 23:15

Hold on. Did he agree to you being a SAHM? Maybe he wanted you to go back to work, instead of all financial responsibility being on him. Was this not a conversation you had while TTC baby no 1?