Would it be cheating if

[Bosebeau]

If decided to leave DH. I’ve told him I can’t go on with the way things are. I really want to start a family and he doesn’t. We haven’t been intimate in 5 years and I’m so unhappy.

He wants us to stay together until at least after Christmas and then see how I feel, I just want to move on with my life. I want to try online dating, I feel I’ve wasted so much of my life on the wrong man, would I be in the wrong to start dating or do I need to wait until we’ve officially split?

Is this a genuine question or a troll? Of course you can’t start dating whilst still being with your husband.

If you haven’t been intimate for 5 years and you want to start a family and he doesn’t - you’re both wasting your time. I don’t understand why he is telling you to wait until after Christmas.

Sorry if this is genuine but I really feel like this is a troll post.

If you have decided then just do it and move on. He is just using delaying tactics with the Xmas excuse.

I would wait until you’re actually settled and happy on your own before you start dating again.

Why can't you split up now? Just tell him you don't want to wait until after Christmas but don't start dating until you have properly split.

I agree with Kimberley that it is best to wait until you are settled on your own before dating. Genuine men like someone who is independent and not too needy.

You will be surprised how much men appear, almost crawling out of the woodwork :-), when a woman becomes single. However you have to protect yourself.

Christmas is less than a month away, it will take you at least that long to organise a place to live so it won't hurt to stay where you are for a very few more weeks.

It's sad that you and husband have not been intimate for five years, that is a long time.

Really? I don't think divorce or not you should jump head first into the dating scene.

I decided about 8 months ago, and have been trying to unpick our lives together. We haven’t been happy for a long time and I finally accepted things weren’t ever going to change or get better.

I told him about three weeks ago that it was over and he said that we had to wait until after Christmas. We own the house together so I can’t ask him to leave but I own and pay for the majority share and worry that if I leave I’ll never get him out.

I think the thing is I feel like I have moved on. Five years of no sex, or affection, and I’ve made peace with the fact the relationship is over. The idea of keeping my life on hold for another 3 months when I’ve wasted so much time just fills me with sadness

I dont see anything wrong with it if you've told him it's over and there's been no affection for 5 years. That's no relationship. I see even less wrong with it if you tell him you want to date other people.

You don't have to wait until after Christmas. It makes no sense. Clearly, you've moved on and are ready for other things, and for good reason.

Explain that to your partner kindly. Be there for him. But don't waste any more of your precious time in a relationship that is over.

What I mean is, you can still share the house with him for a while longer. But not your life.

You only get one life OP.

This is the sensible option but there is no reason why you can’t separate and apply for your divorce now.

It's only cheating if you're in a relationship where the other person hasn't agreed to you looking for someone else.

So it's cheating if you haven't ended this relationship first. As soon as you've done that, you can do what you like.

You don't have to wait until after Christmas but you're in a difficult position with the house because obviously you can't expect him to leave. You can move out though and start divorce proceedings, eventually he will either have to move out or buy you out.

Tell him it's over. He can stay in the house but needs to up his share to half. If he won't pay half cut back on all the luxuries

If you've told your dh that you're splitting up (regardless of whether he accepts it) then it's not cheating and you can crack on. I would give myself time though to recalibrate before moving on to another relationship.

What will you tell people you meet, that you’re still married and living with your husband who thinks you’re still together but it’s okay as you’ve mentally detached? Would you date someone who told you that?

Just tell him no you aren't waiting until after Christmas.

I would actually book in with a solicitor ASAP as there is a rush after New Year. Nothing to stop you getting the ball rolling with the paper work.

Tell him it’s over now and Start by separating finances. You can’t make him move out but everything should be separate… beds, finances etc . Start now or he will drag it out forever

You have to officially break up with him before you start dating. The main thing is that he understands you're over before you go and do anything. I would separate your finances before you do anything too but essentially once you break up with him that's that. Can't hold your life up forever.

Well you have finished it haven't you? Youve told him youre out. You don't need consent to end it.

But I think you would be very silly and bordering on codependent behaviour to actively seek out a relationship before you have untangled this mess first.

I agree with the PP who suggested seeing a solicitor before the January rush. I would make an appointment for this week or next, OP.

Then take it from there.

Your marriage is over and your husband putting his hands over his ears and going La-La-La isn’t going to alter that. So go on dates if you feel ready (I happen to think that it’s too soon and that you should wait until you’re geographically apart, but I’m not you and I’ll concede that five years without intimacy is significant).

Geographically separate before Christmas then treat yourself to a brand new boyfriend or two in the new year. Don't date while you're still living under the same roof, it's disrespectful. On the other hand, don't wait until after Christmas to action your separation.

If you've told him it's over between you then you are free to move on. A divorce could take many months - I don't think you should have to wait until you receive your decree absolute before you date again.

I was in a very similar position, it is horrible. I wanted to date while we were living in separate rooms in the same house but I didn't do it. I wouldn't have brought anyone home but after so long 'alone' in the relationship I was so craving male company and touch. Personally, I think a little bit of dating, dinner and drinks would be ok, I would not have told him though.