Would it be cheating if

[Bosebeau]

If decided to leave DH. I’ve told him I can’t go on with the way things are. I really want to start a family and he doesn’t. We haven’t been intimate in 5 years and I’m so unhappy.

He wants us to stay together until at least after Christmas and then see how I feel, I just want to move on with my life. I want to try online dating, I feel I’ve wasted so much of my life on the wrong man, would I be in the wrong to start dating or do I need to wait until we’ve officially split?

Speak to a solicitor, get the house on the market, or buy him out. Obviously it would be impossible to really date while you are living together.

I don't think I would be morally wrong necessarily, but it would be a great strategic mistake.

If you do it, you give him ammunition to use against you in the divorce. He will use this to paint you as the villan who broke up a happy family for side dick and slag you off to family, friends, kids and everyone who will listen.

Be smart, don't do it. Dick can wait and isn't worth this hassle

I’ve spoken with a solicitor, our finances are separate, it’s just the house. I want him to leave but he won’t this side of Christmas, I own most of the house but can’t afford to buy him out, but think if I leave I won’t get him out of the house this side of the divorce.

I think you can date, but never bring anyone home.
You will have to be upfront with dates that you are separate, and may find it puts people off

You can end a relationship unilaterally. And you have. You don't need his permission. Move on. Life's too short to wait until he's ready. Sounds like you've waited long enough.

He's going to drag his heels.You'll probably need a solicitor.

When my ex and i separated we also owned a house together and he was also hoping i would change my mind. It took him a while to find a place but we lived separately/amiably in separate bedrooms. It was ages ago but i think i waited until he moved out to date, i wasn't hoping for a family though and you do have to consider this. I did have a very full social life though which i think carried me through those months and the moment he moved out i was out there dating loads.

You start dating whenever YOU want.

Not when he says you can, not when strangers online say you can, not when some “official” event has happened.

You’ve been clear about what you want and it sounds like you’ve waited ages already. Go get your life restarted x

The OP wants a relationship which involves intimacy and the prospect of a family. She hasn't had sex for 5 years.

She's totally entitled to move on. She's not looking for 'dick'.

But who would be interested in embarking on an actual relationship (as opposed to a fling) with someone still living in the marital home with their unseparated husband?

It’s all well and good the OP being ready for whatever. She needs to find someone else to be ready with - and her current set-up isn’t exactly appealing to anyone half-way decent.

@GabriellaMontez but you can be damn sure that's how her husband would paint it when he goes crying to their shared friends and family.

It will put her in a very bad light and cause additional drama and upset.

Have you got a ring fenced sum in the house?

Ifnot how are you calculating you own more of the house?

Dont let him pressure you into waiting! Just crack on, life's too short!!

he might not move out (and you shouldn't) but you've been in a relationship without intimate, physical contact for 5 years, you can continue living in the same house!

CONTRACEPTION & CONDOMS. Then enjoy yourself. Try not to get yourself into another relationship too quickly, but go out life life, party, have fun!!

Then Spend some time on your own before looking for a relationship!

Get divorced & sort out finances/housing first.
He could get nasty if you committed adultery.

I’m 41 and once I am out of the relationship I plan on starting fertility treatment to start having a baby so didn’t want to look at a relationship then because I will have other things going on.

I miss kissing more than anything. I used to love kissing. I just wondered if it were ok whilst I was trying to get out of this if I could date a little. I’m not looking for anything long-term. I’ve come to realise that if I want children then I can’t wait any longer or for the right man- and I am not out to date to find him. (If I do great, but it’s not likely) I just wanted a bit of what I feel I’ve missed out on before I start the next chapter

I'm not sure why you're waiting to put the house on the market. What has your solicitor advised.

It's fine to date whoever you want. You've accepted a shit relationship for 5 years. And you still are. At 41 I wouldn't wait a minute longer

Of course it’s cheating!

If you’re in a rush then you need to move out.

In the kindest way, OLD is not a good idea for you right now.
You are way too vulnerable, been in a loveless relationship for too long and desperate to find someone just so you can have a baby.

End the relationship.
Move out.
Sort out the selling of the house.
Be single and heal from this relationship.
Then go on OLD.

What are your Christmases like?
Do you visit family?

I think it would be better to do it sooner rather than later and not let family think you are still together.

Do you have anywhere you can move out to?

@GabriellaMontez Solicitor advised it would be easier if I had his agreement to sell the house. He wants to wait until after Christmas and an estate agent won’t list it without his agreement

@CarefreeMe have you read the OP updates? It sounds like she isn’t desperate to meet someone bed having a baby- more like she wants some fun and to feel desired before she goes it alone to have a baby by herself.

Given how much of your life you've already wasted. And, that he doesn't want the relationship to end... do you believe him?

Because it sounds like he's stringing you along.

Start divorce proceedings straight away so the house can be sold and start dating.
I had a fabulous solicitor who was good value for money and did not mess around.

You’re an adult you can do exactly what you like. Your relationship has been over for a long time, if you don’t want to wait until your DH decides it’s the right time to start divorce proceedings that’s up to you. You don’t have to put your life on hold any longer for a man who will not give you want and you certainly don’t have to listen to strangers on the internet.

I would crack on with divorce proceedings whatever he says. It won’t make much difference whether you market the house now or in January as it’s very quiet over Christmas holidays anyway.

If you’ve told him it’s over you’re not cheating

Oh and don't make any agreements with him that you have not discussed with a solicitor. You are not friends.

I don't think you have got that much time to waste.

Tell him you're not waiting til Christmas.
It's done and over and file for divorce. Sell the house and move on with your life.

It’s definitely not cheating! You don’t have to act married just because he wants you to. He may be able to control your living situation and the house being put on the market but he cannot control the fact you are now separated. Go and enjoy some kissing! At the very least..

I dunno, not because I think it’s wrong but because I wonder if he would use that as an excuse to turn nasty and drag out the house sale. You know him so how likely do you think that would be, given he’s already wanting a delay until after xmas?