To worry that my ex will be able to take my daughter away?

[happylittletree]

I had to leave him due to financial and emotional abuse.

We agreed a child visitation schedule via settlement less than two years ago. It was the schedule he wanted.

He is driven only by money and he wants to reduce maintenance as his top priority.

He now has a girlfriend who will look after our daughter, so he wants to have her more often.

He has gotten the girlfriend pregnant. He's now threatening to take me to court to get more contact, on the basis that my daughter needs to have strong relationships with her "stepsister" and future sibling.

He says that courts love it when fathers want to be more involved and the court will let him have his way. He also will push for 50% contact so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance.

Will this argument win?

What would be the issue with 50% though? Would that not be something good for your daughter?

50% is the court’s ideal these days. How old is DC?

@DillyDallyDooo her father is an abusive person. The "stepmother" is a nasty piece of work who has said disparaging things about my daughter. The two of them have been harassing me nonstop and recently ruined my daughter's birthday party.

My daughter and I are very close. She is only 7 but she really, really doesn't want to go to her father's more often.

Also, why didn't he want her before? Why now? Just because he has a new woman to look after his kid?

How is 50% custody "taking my daughter away"?

Abusive to your child? She shouldn't be seeing him at all in that case. Why is she seeing him at all. How did he ruin her party?

Unless you can prove he’s abusive to your child then you can’t stop and shouldn’t stop 50% shared custody, he has as much right as you do

@Momo8 he wanted to see her very little and only when it was convenient for him before. My daughter and I are close and I don't want to see less of her, to be looked after by a resentful stepmother figure (because I guarantee my ex won't be doing it)

Are you the OP who did the reverse earlier? Whose ex currently pays nearly a grand a month?

If he is abusive then why do you have a contact schedule?

A child does not ‘belong’ to its mother, more than its father, in the Courts view.

Probably the abuse

I’m sorry as it’s sucks for you, I’d keep as much evidence as possible - for instance do you have any old messages proving he didn’t want to see her more often? Anything nasty or abusive.

I wouldn't worry too much. As much as I think 50/50 is right and no parent should give the other money the courts don't always go down this route.

In my partners case cafcass recommended a 40/60 split. Judge give about 52 nights a year and up to mum how she grants Xmas and birthday.

If he's all about money why don't you say to reduce his maintenance on the proviso he doesn't go to court for more days. Or is it about money for you too?

I think this will depend on the current visitation schedule and what the girlfriend can and will do. Although tbh I am just guessing here but my assumption is that there would need to be an actual agreement with her and not just go on the say so of your ex!

It's an issue because OP has stated he's abusive (If you don't believe that, that's another matter).

My following comment above is why is she seeing him at all if he's abusive? Should be 0% contact in that case

My following comment above is why is she seeing him at all if he's abusive? Should be 0% contact in that case

This is what I was scared of when I went to court, but fortunately abusive ex didn’t try to go for split custody. I don’t want to make you afraid, but the courts see a dad being involved and give them everything they want. In my case my child’s dad was abusive towards me (I had police reports as proof also), he also failed a drug test multiple times but the court didn’t care and still gave him anything that he asked for. It’s awful. My child was too young to say what he wanted, but as your child stated she doesn’t want to go to her dads often hopefully they take that into consideration. My advice would be to compile any evidence of abuse, threats etc and make a list of dates of when he has only started to make an effort based on his relationship. People really don’t understand how horrendous it is to have to co parent with an abusive ex partner and the effect it has on both yourself and your parenting skills but also your child as an effect of that. And split custody would make that so much worse.

I swear there was a reverse of this earlier today.

@glossypeach i think that you understand. It's hard to evidence abuse towards my child. He's definitely going to pick away at her self esteem and gaslight her. The girlfriend is really mean. I'm worried about my daughter being in their clutches. They had been together less than a year (at least officially - my ex was trying to lure me back for ages) when this lady got pregnant. It's all weird and unstable.

@RainbowUnicornPoo that's me. I rely on this money. He's pulling the rug out from under me, and he's a nasty miser. He will definitely still never buy anything for my daughter even if he does get her 50%.

I also feel an emotional objection to him discarding my daughter and then picking her up again once he has found someone who will do the childcare for him. He is a deeply sexist, unpleasant man who wants to be the lord of his manor. It's disgusting to watch him bully and potentially 'win'.

Yeah, a lot of money to lose. I would bank on him not finding 50/50 manageable tbh. New gf has a little one already, right? And one on the way? I think he's all talk.

You poor thing, it sounds like a horrible situation. It would be so unsettling for your DD too.

@DillyDallyDooo it's hard to evidence abuse. He had so little interest in her before that I didn't push the abuse in the divorce case. I didn't want to drag things out and i thought there was little risk that he would want her more.

Additionally, courts bizarrely differentiate between abuse towards a child's mother and a child, like it's not a sign of a complex set of dysfunctional behaviours

me and my child’s dad broke up when I was pregnant. He got with the girl he was cheating on me with, and when my child was born his girlfriend was putting all over social media things about her being my newborn baby’s mum and just downright nasty things about me. Basically ex was using her to further the abuse. These women get with abusive men and become abusive themselves because they see their partner as a victim and not the other way round. Regarding the abuse affecting your child. Please write down anything your child mentions that seems like a concern, anything that you think could be a potential concern yourself and just everything that should not be done that would be a risk to your child’s well-being

@glossypeach that's awful! I'm sorry that happened to you.

Yes, this woman has become like his henchwoman. It's very weird.