To worry that my ex will be able to take my daughter away?

[happylittletree]

I had to leave him due to financial and emotional abuse.

We agreed a child visitation schedule via settlement less than two years ago. It was the schedule he wanted.

He is driven only by money and he wants to reduce maintenance as his top priority.

He now has a girlfriend who will look after our daughter, so he wants to have her more often.

He has gotten the girlfriend pregnant. He's now threatening to take me to court to get more contact, on the basis that my daughter needs to have strong relationships with her "stepsister" and future sibling.

He says that courts love it when fathers want to be more involved and the court will let him have his way. He also will push for 50% contact so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance.

Will this argument win?

I would be doing all I could to prepare financially for the maintenance to be reduced or even stopping. Best case that doesn’t happen but worst case it does and you need to be ready.

I think it’s likely custody will be split 50/50, and therefore you won’t receive any more child maintenance money from the dad.

The courts are likely to take into consideration that he now has a stable family set up at home with his partner and that he has a child he has with her.

If you don’t have any evidence to say the father was abusive. (Do you have any police reports or any evidence that might stand up in court?) … If not the courts are likely to decide that he has as much right to custody as you do.

@Dashel well, question one is whether it is worth blowing all of my savings on court. He is trying to make me give him his way and he says he will take me to court and ask for more visitation (50%) if I won't give in to his demands.

I think the girlfriend is driving some of this. She seems to think that now that she's knocked up she has a right to disrupt our arrangement and take my child away. She treats me like I am nothing and my ex is constantly reporting back to me nasty things she says.

@Passthecheeseboard are courts definitely likely to take that into consideration? And why? I have always been her primary carer. Why would his quickly getting some lady knocked up suddenly make him a more fit parent? It's not transparent to courts what he's doing?

Perhaps some objectivity - I know how hard this is, I've been there...but ‘take my child away’.
No one is taking your child away, your child is with her dad, his child.

If there is evidence of abuse, then your daughter will be kept safe by the courts. If there isn't then you need to accept that your daughter has two parents, that she has a right to have a relationship with.

Sounds like he wants to play happy families and maybe have more cash to spend with the new girlfriend and is willing to use your daughter to do it. He'll drop her again when it all gets too much and impedes his lifestyle. Or the new girlfriend dumps him. Interesting how single mums are told they should wait ages before introducing a new partner to their child yet you are (mostly) being told to suck this up. I'd fight it too. I say that from the perspective of having dealt with ex issues.

@DrCoconut yeah, that's exactly it. You've hit the nail on the head.

@AdelineLou my daughter does not want to see more of her dad. I think she can sense that he's not a safe person. (he screams parental alienation but this is simply not true and I saw how he ignored her as a baby - she's no fool)

Ha ha ha. The courts will keep her DD safe? They don't care about abuse. It is incredibly difficult to limit contact with abusive parents in the current system.

It is extremely stressful to hand your child over to someone you don't feel has their best interests at heart, but almost impossible to avoid it. You can't imagine what it's like coparenting with someone who is abusive unless you've been there.

OP I don't agree that 50:50 is the default. Your argument needs to be based on what's best or your DD. If the current schedule is longstanding and works for her, then why change it? I would raise the fact it didn’t previously suit him to have her more and query what's changed. Introducing a new child into the mix is already likely to be somewhat unsettling for her so best to keep things as they are.

But if you are financially dependent on him do everything you can to change that and take back control of your life.

I did say ‘I’ve been there’.

For my own sanity I had to be objective. That is what I advised. The use of language such as ‘take MY child away’ is not helpful.

my daughter does not want to see more of her dad. I think she can sense that he's not a safe person
More like she can 'sense', if not directly hear, how you feel about him.
You need to be very very careful here because you are obviously influencing your daughter and the courts do not like that at all.

Is this the poster who asked about the dad that pays 11 k a year ? If you think your daughter is affected by his behaviour then start involving professionals that can help you . Most dads w at 50/50 so they don’t pay child maintenance but the reality of having a kid 50% of the time is often nit what they expect and can be detrimental to the child unless they always been very involved

If he is abusive to your child then you should be going to court to get contact stopped.

If he is not then 50/50 is reasonable.

So he wants her more because his GF will be the primary carer? Very typical of a lot of men. They get a new woman and she foolishly agrees to it... then becomes resentful and barely tolerates the stepchild.

His reason of a close relationship with her stepsister is rubbish. A court is not interested in that. If she's not going to spend quality time with him, then I don't see how more time with him is in her best interests. It's not about him.

Does he live close enough that 50/50 is a possible with her schooling?

@CJsGoldfish he's a horrible person. I tell her that her daddy loves her etc and try to show a happy interest in what she does there. But I can't help that I despise him. He also picks at me and causes arguments in front of her, which she definitely won't like

@SandyY2K the stepmother is already resentful! It's worrying.

I think that they are changing their living arrangements so that they will be closer, but it's not totally clear to me what he has on the cards. He's very devious.

You’ve had some rotten replies here OP.

Not saying guaranteed he won’t win, but you don’t have to assume that the courts will go for 50:50, and still less that they should as PPs seem to think.

OK so he didn’t bother with her much when he was single. And she was younger and presumably more work. Document all of that. How much he’s seen her and when. Find any messages where he says he doesn’t want to.

You have been her main parent all of her life and what she is used to. Document all of that too.

Get a lawyer if you can.

He only wants to not pay maintenance. You want what’s best for your daughter . Hold on to that and fight for what you know is right for her.

I'm shocked with a lot of the responses tbh. These people obviously don't understand men like him.

Get yourself a good family lawyer and let her know how nasty your ex is, how resentful his new gf is. She will deal in facts. Your child is the priority here. Do you have any evidence of your ex’s abuse? Keep texts, emails etc that are nasty. Family courts do take the child’s wishes into consideration.

Your reverse this morning was a ridiculous waste of everyone’s time though.

Children aren't stupid and they know when their parent is reliable/loving/supportive/safe and when they're not. My abusive father used to dismiss my fear and dislike of him as being driven by my mum, just as you're dismissing OP's daughter's feelings. The fact that OP has a negative opinion of her ex doesn't mean that her DD can't also form her own independent opinions that happen to be the same. After all, they are both dealing with the same man.

For the reason you gave in your OP. He will save money in not having to pay maintenance.

In your situation, I would suggest to him that he can reduce/stop paying maintenance if he lets you keep your role as primary carer. I would do whatever I had to to stop my child spending half her time with an abusive person.

This is a really good idea… If his motivation is not paying the child maintenance he might just drop the issue and not fight for 50/50 custody in court..,

Otherwise you might just have to pay for a solicitor, go to court and hope for the best. But if you don’t have proof of him being abusive, it’s going to be a your word against his word situation. And you’re going to risk the court enforcing 50/50 custody …

I disagree with this: children are not as stupid as you think and they pick up atmospheres. Supposing he IS abusive? Can the child not realise that just the same as the parent?

I was going to say this too: if he didn't show much interest before then that will go well for you. The status quo has been set and to disrupt it against the child's wishes is not in their best interests. Op speak to NCDV for guidance over this.