To ask what your 14 year old does around the house ?

[fedupandfrustratedwithlife]

Next to fuck all here and I'm pissed off about it. I'm a single parent and she has a younger brother. Ds and I have had a stomach bug this weekend so I asked her to go to the shop across the road to get some lemonade and crisps You'd have thought I asked her to walk 5 miles and carry heavy bags. Today I've asked her to bring in the bins and take out the rubbish. There's not much of it. She's ignored me.
She expects endless wifi, horse riding lessons, whatever food she wants that day to be instantly available and acts like I'm a terrible parent if it's not available. She complains she feels sick because she's had nothing to ear except biscuits for breakfast despite there being a choice of cereals, toast, crumpets. When I do get her favourite foods in she claims she didn't know and she needs me to tell her they are there. Invariably they go off and end up being throw away. She's 14, I don't need to tell her what's available in the fridge or cupboards. I've spent the weekend washing endless bedding and towels whilst taking residence in the bathroom and looking after ds who is too young to do much for himself. Despite that he's actually better than she is.

Please could you make sure you check the washing basket to make sure my school uniform is done? I point out she's got spare uniform but that's not good enough, she only likes 1 of her 3 skirts. The rest look stupid when are rolls it up She's quite capable of putting some washing on.

I feel like going on strike. Her attitude is appalling and she expects the moon on a stick. I don't pander to her so she knows that sulking and flouncing off won't get her anywhere. In fact there's no riding lessons or ròi for anything other than homework until she improves. I admit to being especially annoyed about this due to being ill and not able to do much myself.

I expect both dc to put dirty clothes in the washing basket, put their clean clothes away, dirty plates and cups in the dishwasher and keep their rooms in a reasonable state ie clothes away, rubbish in the bin, school books where they go. It is dds job to empty the dishwasher daily. She doesn't do this then complains I've not paid her for doing it.

She does nothing without being asked and even then she's unlikely to do it. How do you manage your teens?

I remember what I was like!!!!! Ds helps out a bit here and there, like you a lot is like pulling teeth. What I find works is more if you say it in a chatty tone and don’t actively ask or when you do whatever it is with them. I was moaning and nagging the other day about the kids trying to get away when we weee in the middle of a big job, then got a flashback to my parents nagging me and me doing a little, then going off to the shops. I’m think both of you may need to meet halfway (and I’m the exact same btw!!)

It's made far worse by being ill. I've fairly recently had covid and was ill for 2 weeks and wasn't fully recovered when I got this so I'm wiped out.
It's all take take with her and stropping if I say no. She's turned into a right Kevin and Perry lately and a bit of a spoilt madame.

Then stop rewarding her behaviour. What are the consequences for not listening? Pause the horse riding lessons, turn off her devices to the wifi, leave yours on. If you don't know how to do this google your router brand and see how to do it. If you can't do it then buy a router that you can do this with. Stop paying for her phone. These are all things that are earned.

I won't bore you with what my child does which is basically a load more than yours, without complaint because we set expectations early. So what if she thinks you are a bad parent? She is 14 with no life experience of other parents, just what she thinks other parents do.

I said in my OP there's no horse riding or wifi except for homework until she improves.

My two had the jobs of emptying the dishwasher (taking it in turns), sorting and bringing down their laundry when asked, changing their beds and hoovering their bedrooms at 14. Also keeping their rooms clear of cups and plates and putting them in the dishwasher. Would also send them to the local shops for odd things too.

DS will help out when i ask. Dish washing, empty bins, etc.

no doubt someone will come along and say that their child will cook a roast dinner for everyone.

I think it’s quite typical. My son will do stuff if nagged and threatened with consequences but none of the helping to be kind/because I’m not well/any compassion. Hope it comes with age. I remember that I was the same as a teenager (hopefully not now).

I think it's easier for us as our three are close in age, so all do similar, and pretty much police one another.

The children's jobs are:

• Dishwasher on a rota (rota is too fancy a word- they stuck a piece of paper to the dishwasher and take it in turns to do ut and sign their name - we don't have to say anything, they take great pleasure in ensuring their siblings do their share).
• Bins as dishwasher
• Obviously own laundry in landing laundry basket otherwise I genuinely don't do it (our schools are non uniform which helps massively with this)
• They each, including the nearly 12 year old cook for the family roughly once per week though this sometimes slips especially if I'm off work and they're busy when I do more
• Older two organise their own sports car pooling with reference to the family calendar so I still obviously take my turn at driving but at least don't have to faff organising (youngest isn't quite old enough and sadly we don't live near convenient car poolers for him)
• I do all the supermarket shopping (we manage to live somewhere without online grocery shopping) but when I get home with shopping done on my way home from work I don't put it away; the jids and DH do.
• DD (17) does 95% of her own laundry sp as to have full control of what's clean when, but that's her choice, she doesn't have to.
• DS15 washes his team's football stripes when its his turn after a match
• The kids are responsible for cleaning out our indoor guinea pigs every week, washing their bedding (old blankets) and always making sure they have food and water.
• We all clean the house together for an hour on Saturday or Sunday

13 year old ds
empty and refill dishwasher
clear up after dinner and wipe the table
put away the washing
hoover once a week
keep their own rooms relatively tidy
pit washing in the wash basket
and he can cook a basic dinner for all of us if needed (baked spuds, spag bol, egg fried rice)

My DS is only 4 but I can tell you what I did as a 14 year old, it was “only” ten years ago! EEK!

Changed my bed sheets and duvet cover.
Dishes. (Washed and dried)
I put my own clothes load in the washer and set it running.
Would cook my own tea after school if we weren’t having a sit down meal. (Our mum worked FT and I had a younger sibling who needed more tending to.)
Hoover and tidy my own bedroom but think that’s more something that should be habit than a “chore”.
I also walked the dog daily, it was my turn after school and dinner time on a weekend.

She does not permit me in her room to do any cleaning so she needs to do it herself. Her bedding hasn't been changed in weeks. I told her 2 weeks ago to strip her bed and she didn't. There's too much stuff on her bed for me to do it and I don't see why I should when there's stuff all over the floor and the bed and I can't get to anything. It's a small room and she has plenty of storage. She's no excuse except for being bone idle. 4 years til uni...

Don’t be so bloody ridiculous it’s your house I’d you need to go into her room then go into her room!

My 14 yr old was similar did absolutely nothing except moan and be rude!

Really good at slamming doors and using cutting remarks intended to wound.

Any way he's 19 now and is just as lovely as he was aged 7. There is hope, but they are assholes sometimes

I have to ask but 11yr old and 13yr old will: change their beds, put laundry away, sort laundry maybe once a week, occasionally put a load of washing on, load and unload dishwasher, wash up, 13yr old will prep veg at a push, 11 year old will cook simple meals, both will make their packed lunch, both will hoover and dust but with moaning levels that mean I rarely ask. It's all a bit ad hoc and 13 uear old has ASD and is generally less willing so sometimes it's not worth the ask.

I think the issues are

• no peer pressure as she's much older than her sibling by the sounds of it
• you need to start putting age appropriate things in place right from toddlerhood and never stop adding and adapting, you can't suddenly expect a massive change at a random point in time/ age
• You absolutely are setting yourself up to fail asking a teen to "help" or "do you a favour" or be "kind" to you, their mother (even if they love the nauseating"be kind" branded merchandise and social media memes/ scolding)

We've always said that everyone who lives in the house contribute to running it as best they can, and that it's the job of parents to prepare them for independent living without us, not to wait on them or be their friends.

This seems to work because they can't meaningfully call us bad parents with this definition, and if they do it's water off a ducks back (I think it's something one of them said once, as far as I remember).

She doesn't permit you in her room? Really OP?

Sounds like you need to be firm with her about what your expectations are.

Ds is nearly 14. He doesn’t do any regular chores but is expected to help when asked. He does clean his room once a week. If I asked him to vacuum a room or collect up dirty laundry for the basket, he might sigh loudly but he would do it. Basically he wouldn’t notice things need doing but if asked will do them (with a grumpy face!)

My DS is 15. He puts his dirty plates etc in the dishwasher, washes up bits if he cooks for himself and empties the dishwasher everyday. He cooks dinner once a week and does his own breakfast and lunch most days (and sometimes his sister and mine too.) He does all his own laundry, hangs it to dry and puts it away. He keeps his room reasonably clean and tidy. We put the bins out together. He helps with general cleaning/tidying/other jobs when asked. Honestly, I think he'd think a teenager that couldn't do these things a bit immature.

Is she behaves like a toddler treat her like one.

Don't just stop treats like riding lessons and wifi. Stop everything. Don't wash for her. Don't make her pack up. Etc etc

She does not permit me in her room to do any cleaning so she needs to do it herself.
Not permitting you in her room is a privilege that needs taking away if she can't keep her end of the deal.

Her bedding hasn't been changed in weeks. I told her 2 weeks ago to strip her bed and she didn't. and what consequences were imposed? Ground her until its done.

For reference OP my 6 y o will, if asked:

• make his bed
• tidy his clothes into the wash basket
• put clean laundry away including hanging his school shirts on hangers
• put his plate in the dishwasher after tea
• peel carrots for tea (supervised)
• put coat & shoes away after school

Make and bring me a coffee (supervised by his dad) using the automatic machine and a lidded insulated cup

Just the two of us, DS is 16. He does less than half the housework but a substantial amount. Half the washing, 2/3 of the vacuuming, half the washing up/drying. Irons his own shirts for college. Helps with dinner prep. Pretty much the same since he was 13.

Chores are not negotiable in this house - everyone has to pitch in and do their bit.

Mine are older now but at 14 it was

• on alternate days laying and clearing table and stacking dishwasher
• cook dinner once a week (ish, sometimes it becomes fortnightly)
• strip and make own bed
• keep own room tidy
• join in with family house clean on Sunday morning - so this would be hoovering/bathroom cleaning/mopping etc - for about 40 minutes
• other random jobs as requested (never the expectation that they must drop everything and do them now)

I'm a believer in cause and effect so if the DC choose not be behave like responsible family members by doing their share of chores, then I will choose not to provide lifts/buy treat food/pay for Netflix and Spotify etc.

If they don't do jobs like keep their own rooms tidy without asking, then we will treat them like small children and stand over them until they do it.

on the flip side, DS in particular is not a natural cook, but if he gives it a go, then he will get help and support.

A lot of smaller children will do things that they won't do as teens :)
It's keeping it going that is the hard bit!

I think it's easier as a single parent. There are only two of us so DS understands that I have to do what he doesn't do. Only disagreements are when he doesn't think something needs doing.