To ask what your 14 year old does around the house ?

[fedupandfrustratedwithlife]

Next to fuck all here and I'm pissed off about it. I'm a single parent and she has a younger brother. Ds and I have had a stomach bug this weekend so I asked her to go to the shop across the road to get some lemonade and crisps You'd have thought I asked her to walk 5 miles and carry heavy bags. Today I've asked her to bring in the bins and take out the rubbish. There's not much of it. She's ignored me.
She expects endless wifi, horse riding lessons, whatever food she wants that day to be instantly available and acts like I'm a terrible parent if it's not available. She complains she feels sick because she's had nothing to ear except biscuits for breakfast despite there being a choice of cereals, toast, crumpets. When I do get her favourite foods in she claims she didn't know and she needs me to tell her they are there. Invariably they go off and end up being throw away. She's 14, I don't need to tell her what's available in the fridge or cupboards. I've spent the weekend washing endless bedding and towels whilst taking residence in the bathroom and looking after ds who is too young to do much for himself. Despite that he's actually better than she is.

Please could you make sure you check the washing basket to make sure my school uniform is done? I point out she's got spare uniform but that's not good enough, she only likes 1 of her 3 skirts. The rest look stupid when are rolls it up She's quite capable of putting some washing on.

I feel like going on strike. Her attitude is appalling and she expects the moon on a stick. I don't pander to her so she knows that sulking and flouncing off won't get her anywhere. In fact there's no riding lessons or ròi for anything other than homework until she improves. I admit to being especially annoyed about this due to being ill and not able to do much myself.

I expect both dc to put dirty clothes in the washing basket, put their clean clothes away, dirty plates and cups in the dishwasher and keep their rooms in a reasonable state ie clothes away, rubbish in the bin, school books where they go. It is dds job to empty the dishwasher daily. She doesn't do this then complains I've not paid her for doing it.

She does nothing without being asked and even then she's unlikely to do it. How do you manage your teens?

@fedupandfrustratedwithlife your daughter never lets you in her room?

So from a safeguarding perspective she can't ever take phone/laptop/cameras into that room then as there should be supervision allowed. Homework on computers (even when you allow wifi) needs to be done in communal areas too.

100% this.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had some rocky moments over the years but my 18 year old (now away in residence at university) and 15 year old have always had chores added at an age appropriate level.

my 15 year old is slightly more thoughtful in that she’s more aware of what needs doing than her brother, but both of them can cook (yes, a full roast but mainly spag bol type stuff), follow a recipe, do their own laundry etc etc. We have a rule that the cook doesn’t do the dishes.

Everyone lives in the house so everyone is expected to muck in, vacuum and even clean the toilet.

One thing I found works for me is to make a list of what needs doing, post it in our family group chat along with a message along the lines of “first come, first served. Chose a room (or X number of chores) and clean your chosen room from top to bottom. Chores must be completed by 6pm”.

i would also echo that the teenage years can be crappy. My 18 year old is fabulous but he was not fabulous at 14! 🤣

@PorridgewithQuark that's what I've done. The expectations are nothing new but her attitude has changed and she's become very entitled. It's a biggish house and needs everyone to contribute. I've told her time and time again that it's my job to prepare her for adulthood and that I'm her mum not her friend. She'll be off to uni in 4 years and will have the shock of her life.

Yes, I will go in her room. I'll go in there and put everything in one big pile and then she will have to sort it out. I've bought her new bedding as part of her birthday present and her room will look lovely once done. If it ever gets done.

I find threads like this fascinating because it's a completely different world to the one I live in.

I'm a gypsy and at 14 the expectation for girls is that they help out. Usually if they want to meet their friends on the weekend then their room needs to be clean as a minimum. Does she have any consequences for not doing what you ask?

At that age I was expected to clean the bathroom once a week, empty the bins, unload the dishwasher, hoover the stairs and cook once a week. Made my own lunches for school etc. not for any pocket money either, it was just a basic expectation that we all mucked in. Age 14 I also had to pay for my own phone and any hobbies - it was definitely easier to do this back then but I got a job in a hairdressers in town to afford this. I’m 37 so this was over 20 years ago.
my dds at 14 had to empty the bins, do their own laundry, empty and reload the dishwasher as and when it was full and they opened it to see. Occasionally I had to text them if I’d already gone to work and I knew they were home. We have a cleaner but they were expected to keep their bathroom clean and tidy, put their clean washing away and just basically help out as and when asked.

My 14 year old does nothing. I don't ask her to and never would. Her room is tidy, her clothes get put in the washing basket and any plates get brought downstairs. That's all I need her to do.

My youngest DS will help with anything but he's still young and keen! Our DS14 - completely different! That said he may moan but he does the following (needs pestering sometimes)
Changes his bed
Polishes his school shoes
Clears up and loads dishwasher - although never wipes the kitchen surfaces 😡
Picks up dog poo
Brushes the dog
Puts the recycling out
Runs DS2 bath each night.
Supposed to clean his bathroom - if he does, he does it very badly!
Occasionally cooks a simple meal
Hoovers when he's trying to impress us - aka wants something!

So she tidies her room, puts her washing in the wash basket and brings dirty dishes down.

But when you say you wouldn't ask her to do anything, why wouldn't you?

You must know that you should've adjusted this before. Why did you let it get this bad? It will be a very slow process to fully adjust. But start now. Sit her down and talk to her about her behaviour generally.
I would never have accepted such behaviour. We've had ds's do jobs since toddlers, pairing socks, taking clothes piles up, emptying dishwasher. Tell her how you feel, and how it's going to be from now on.

Mine is responsible for keeping her room tidy - I absolutely insist upon this. And I do go in to check.

Change bedding. Put clothes away - clothes have to be put in the wash basket or they don’t get washed.

Tidy up after herself - coat, shoes, cups, plates etc.. anything that she uses or belongs to her she is responsible for.

Any other adhoc chores - occasional empty dishwasher/go to shop etc.

She is so full of attitude though so I understand your pain!!

My 14 year old DD does the following:

Makes packed lunches every morning for her and her 2 younger sisters (they all work together) while I sort breakfast.

Keeps her own room tidy and changes her bedding. My 9 and 10 year-old do the same.

Vacuums.

Puts on laundry if asked.

Cleans the kitchen.

Helps with shopping.

She's pretty much helpful whether she's asked or not. But then I've instilled this since she was little. Also, I've never linked rewards to 'chores'. You live in this house, you're responsible for it too.

She's 14, you don't need permission to go into her room. But agreed you shouldn't be cleaning it for her.

@Oblomov22 I've sat her down many times and explained. We have conversations about all this every few days. It makes no difference.

Get firm with her. Remove her luxuries until she sorts her attitude out and earns them back.

DS 15 does dog walking regularly throughout the week, often will take a backpack and do shopping if needed.

Picks up dog poo.

Takes out weeds in garden.

Yes, I take my DD’s phone off her when she’s being difficult/acting up.

Empty and load dishwasher
Put his own bedding on (sometimes I do it for him)
Vacuum and dust his room (sometimes I do it for him)
Put his own washing away
Take bins recycling out if asked to
Wash the downstairs windows occasionally every few months
Help with a quick tidy round when asked

He doesn't have specific chores but I do expect him do help when asked. He's generally pretty good but of course sometimes he moans or asks why should he.

I've got a 15 year old DD, she's does whatever I ask her to do, hoover, dust, dishwasher, tidy bedroom. She's knows the consequences if she pulls a face. No lift to her 9 dancing classes every week, no phone contract and no nice food. I don't ask a lot of her as she's Year 11 so busy, but I don't put up with any crap from her either. Time for you to get tough I think.

I expect both dc to put dirty clothes in the washing basket, put their clean clothes away, dirty plates and cups in the dishwasher and keep their rooms in a reasonable state ie clothes away, rubbish in the bin, school books where they go. It is dds job to empty the dishwasher daily. She doesn't do this then complains I've not paid her for doing
**
My 3 year old puts clothes in the wash in, usually having been asked too obviously she doesn't do it of her own accord, if she eats a snack she puts the rubbish in the bin/bowl in the sink. Come on, your kids can do more than this, and why on earth do they need to be paid to do any of it?!

I'm sure my 3 year old will be much less willing as she gets older, I appreciate that, but just don't stand for it OP, remove the privileges if she can't do the basics.
**

I have taken her phone. She can have it for homework only. Lots of tears about that. I've deleted all social apps and put restrictions on downloading stuff. She always says not having her phone on the way to school makes her anxious in case she needs to phone me. And she needs it to tell the time because the watch she asked me for isn't ok now as it's too young. I made sure at time that it was definitely the one she wanted and she assured me it was. Then she didn't like the feel of wearing it-that was her next excuse. Always an excuse basically.

Ds14 has to:
Tidy his room every day (takes 5 mins as its daily)
Unload and load the dishwasher after dinner every day and wipe down surfaces quickly.
Take it in turns to give ddog her evening walk of 25 mins - roughly every third day.

He also gets some adhoc requests on weekends like putting some laundry away or taking recycling out.

More or less he's pretty good but I do pull my hair out sometimes about how last minute he pushes his chores. He hasn't done the dishwasher yet and I can hear him on the xbox now. I'll be in reminding him in 5 minutes then he'll huff at me and say he was just about to do it. Of course you were kid, it's not like you've had since 6.30 when we finished eating is it 🙄

Then you need to stop having nice conversations and start having ones with consequences.

If you think she's capable of going to university in 4 years then she is perfectly capable of understanding this. She's just choosing not to.

Start treating her like you would a 7 year old if that's the way she wants to behave

He loads and unloads the dishwasher

Because I don't need her to. It's pointless asking her to do her own washing because it's just as easy for me to shove hers in with mine. If I'm hoovering, it takes two minutes to do her room too. If I'm loading my plates into the dishwasher, it's thirty seconds to put hers in as well.

It's my house, not hers. I'm responsible for cleaning and looking after it. I don't feel that children should be asked to do anything more than keep their room clean (which I have honestly never had to ask her to do).

It's just me and dd and she doesn't do much as I wfh so there's not a massive amount that needs doing as it's easy enough for me to unload dishwasher or put a wash on while I've got a cuppa brewing. She does the dishwasher at weekends and she makes all our cake supplies 😁. She also clears spiders for me !

I nag her about her room but it's not that successful. Not a chance she'd be shutting me out of it though!