To feel I’m being ‘gaslighted’ by ex partner and his family?

[Lizzie67384]

Bit of a long story, so I’ll try and keep it short! My ex left when our DS was 10 months old and has not seen him since/made any attempt to see him.
My DS did have something of a relationship with ex’s parents/sister - he used to stay for a weekend once every two months. However, I will say, I felt like I could never raise any issues about my ex with them - it was kind of an ‘elephant’ in the room.
Fast forward to summer 2022 and it suddenly occurred to me that my ex had been paying the same amount of maintenance for the last 4 years and it hadn’t increased at all - I looked him up on LinkedIn and found out he had quite a good job. I tried to speak to my ex about this but he had blocked me, so unfortunately had to speak to his dad instead - his dad said he was ‘fuming’ that I was requesting more money as my ex was paying above what he should pay.
I felt quite upset by the way my ex’s dad responded and so I didn’t pursue things. However, I spoke with my own parents about it and they suggested I do the CMS application - was upset to find out that he’d been paying considerably less in maintenance.
Now his parents say I’m being unfair and he can’t afford this much per month (CMS have added 20% admin fees) and won’t see our son until I cancel the application? They’ve said it that it’s my fault they my DS will now not have a relationship with them.
Additionally, I received a card from the ex in laws for my son’s birthday last week and there was no money inside (which is fine) but then had a text off the sister saying I was being extremely rude for not saying thanks for the £25 that was inside but there 100% was no money inside!!
I feel I’m being made out to be difficult and from stopping DS’ grandparents from seeing him.

Any advice?

Now his parents say I’m being unfair and he can’t afford this much per month (CMS have added 20% admin fees) and won’t see our son until I cancel the application? They’ve said it that it’s my fault they my DS will now not have a relationship with them.

Their choice, you're not stopping them seeing your DS
And tough shit to the ex

How much maintenance you get from ex is nothing to do with his DP. If he’s paying below what he should be go through cms and reply to sis saying that had there. Re money in the card you would have thanked them for it.

if he then chooses not to see his ds it’s on him not you

YANBU, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Keep going with CMS and ignore ex’s family. If they stop seeing DS because of this then they’re not worth keeping in his life.

Text back and say there definitely was no money in the card and then ignore them.

And tell them that the 20% admin fee is money that’s being taken away from their grandson because their sin isn’t honest enough to pay what he owes.

Your ex's family don't need to be involved. YABU to involve them.

Go through CMS, ignore your ex's threats.

Unless you can link to the the two threads, this just comes across as troll hunting. An you link the threads?

links?

Really?! Can you send me the link?

You absolutely know they’re all dicks

They are choosing not to see your son.

Its not your fault they won't have a relationship, it's 100% theirs.

They are trying to blackmail you with the only thing they have over you, which is your love for your son.

Keep with the application, at least the money will be consistent in your sons life, because they sure as hell won't be.

I’m pretty sure I read that last week from
the other view point.

There is a weird theme of people posting one side of a story and then the other a couple of weeks later. It is making people less inclined to believe thing on MN.

Haha, thanks, that made me laugh! I did have a moment of thinking ‘am I absolutely crazy, was there money in there?’ 😂

They sound toxic. Your son may be better off without them in his life. How is your sons relationship with them normally. Unless he is really close with them it might be best to distance yourself anyway

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It was really good to start with but then slowly fizzled out over the years, which was a shame. He hasn’t seen them since the summer and doesn’t really mention them. I’ve always felt a bit awkward around them and they don’t seem to think my ex’s behaviour is wrong (eg never sent a birthday card)

if you can't link the threads then it's not a fact is it.

@cookiesbeforepookies I'm not the only one who remembers the threads. Why are you picking on me?

@medicatedgift no one is picking up on you. You were the first to raise other threads hence I responded to you.

Unless you can link the other thread, it derails this thread.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand.

Sounds like a family that DS doesn't need in his life.

YANBU, child maintenance is nothing to do with the grandparents. Does the dad see DS at all? And GPs think this is ok?

I think if they mention anything to do with CM tell them that is between you and ex.

Text the sister back and say there was no money in the card.

Tell the GPs you would like for your son to know his family (I'm guessing you do) and that they are welcome to grow that relationship and leave it at that. Hopefully they will. My dad's family swore to my mum they would get to know me, I haven't seen them since I was a baby, which is shitty.

Oh gosh, that’s awful! Well they are clearly missing out on knowing an awesome person :)

They are always going to take their son's side and are running with the narrative you are a gold digger, which is what the aunt's text was about. They have made their thoughts clear and are asking you to take a financial hit in exchange for your ds having a visit with them every 6 months. I would block the whole toxic lot quite honestly, and carry on with the CMS claim. Its better for them not to be in his life at all than pick him up and put him down when it suits (from family experience this is really damaging).

Kinda missing the point here but who the hell sends cash in a card these days..... Only someone looking for a row.

Haha 😂