To feel I’m being ‘gaslighted’ by ex partner and his family?

[Lizzie67384]

Bit of a long story, so I’ll try and keep it short! My ex left when our DS was 10 months old and has not seen him since/made any attempt to see him.
My DS did have something of a relationship with ex’s parents/sister - he used to stay for a weekend once every two months. However, I will say, I felt like I could never raise any issues about my ex with them - it was kind of an ‘elephant’ in the room.
Fast forward to summer 2022 and it suddenly occurred to me that my ex had been paying the same amount of maintenance for the last 4 years and it hadn’t increased at all - I looked him up on LinkedIn and found out he had quite a good job. I tried to speak to my ex about this but he had blocked me, so unfortunately had to speak to his dad instead - his dad said he was ‘fuming’ that I was requesting more money as my ex was paying above what he should pay.
I felt quite upset by the way my ex’s dad responded and so I didn’t pursue things. However, I spoke with my own parents about it and they suggested I do the CMS application - was upset to find out that he’d been paying considerably less in maintenance.
Now his parents say I’m being unfair and he can’t afford this much per month (CMS have added 20% admin fees) and won’t see our son until I cancel the application? They’ve said it that it’s my fault they my DS will now not have a relationship with them.
Additionally, I received a card from the ex in laws for my son’s birthday last week and there was no money inside (which is fine) but then had a text off the sister saying I was being extremely rude for not saying thanks for the £25 that was inside but there 100% was no money inside!!
I feel I’m being made out to be difficult and from stopping DS’ grandparents from seeing him.

Any advice?

Thanks so much for the reply, really helpful advice.

It sounds like the less you or your son have to do with any of this family, the better.

You get more of a contribution AND you don’t have to see these toxic arseholes?

is there a down side I’m missing?

This really made me laugh😂 also very true!!

You could have applied for more maintenance without speaking to your ex's dad tho.

Stop talking to his parents about their son, and then complaining when they dont take your side. For all you know, theyve spoken to him about it and his story is different to yours. That's how life goes, there are 2 sides to every story and people wont always automatically believe yours especially when it involves their offspring.

Either way, if you weren't into the drama of it all then you would have applied for maintenance and have done with that instead of initiating a conversation about money for your child with the grandparent.

Remember your child will grow up and no matter what you think, will either seek out grandparents or resent you if they're dead by that rime So people implying child would be better off without them around are so wrong. Its easy to dwy 'oh just cut them off'

They dont owe you money. Your child's dad does. Leave them alone and pursue him.

Text the sister and the parents - would have said thanks if money was in the card.

Carry on with the cms claim. If they follow through with the threats that's their loss.

All noted but the issue at hand here was, I wanted for my son to continue seeing the grandparents - they have made it clear over the years that they thought an informal agreement was best, I was unable to contact my son’s father about money so had to speak to the grandfather. I am kicking myself for agreeing to do that now but at the time I thought it was the best way to proceed in order to continue the relationship with them/avoid arguments etc.

I am more than happy for my son to continue the relationship with his grandparents but I will not be cancelling the CMS application in order to achieve this.

Having a relationship with grandparents/aunts can be great... if they are great.
If they are mean - then the relationship could be a great burden instead.

Losing contact with your ex's family doesn't sound to be a bad thing for you or your son.

(They were kind to him when it suited them but care little enough for him that they are willing to cut him off to spite you. If he ever disappointed them in any way - you can see that he would be made to suffer.)

You shouldn't involve the family in any dispute with their son, especially regarding money.

Isn't the 20% collection fee only applicable if he doesn't agree to a private arrangement?

He told me he was earning x amount in the summer, when I did the application, his salary was reported as £25k higher - so was underpaying significantly.
CMS told me they tried to contact him repeatedly but he didn’t respond so they did a deduction from earnings order - he has asked me to cancel it but I don’t feel comfortable as not sure I will get the right money…

It's a total no brainer. Let the deductions direct from earnings continue as he is completely unreliable and a liar. Tell GP's you are sorry they feel that way and they are free to see your child (if that's what you want) but otherwise you have your child's best interests at heart as presumably, they think they do.

It’s not you stopping them seeing him; that’s on them and you’re just asking for what’s fair for your son.

Do not cancel that order by any means. That’s your child’s money. Nothing to do with the grandparents…. Although their child is a shit who doesn’t pay properly for his child!

Now his parents say I’m being unfair and he can’t afford this much per month (CMS have added 20% admin fees) and won’t see our son until I cancel the application? They’ve said it that it’s my fault they my DS will now not have a relationship with them.
He can afford it.
It's not your fault he underpaid for so many years.
Stop discussing it with his parents.

In fact - stop all contact with his parents.

I don't think it's helpful for you to focus on their treatment of you & wonder if it's gaslighting etc. All that does is keep you enmeshed in their dynamic.
Instead - look at their behaviours.
They are backing their son in underpaying for their GC.
They are threatening not to see their GC unless you back down.
THAT's how upset they are about seeing them. THAT's how much they love them.
They are emotionally blackmailing you with your own children.
They are prepared to not see their DC - in effect punish them for their son's negligence.

These are NOT people you want to be around, & you doubly do not want them around your children.
They are arseholes who are manipulating you & DS in order to save their son a bit of cash. Cash meant FOR YOUR CHILD.

You should take them at their word, & let them cut themselves off from you.
But make sure you block them - they are bound to change their minds when they next want to play mindgames or to see the GC that they think nothing of using as a pawn.
Don't engage with them again, don't engage with your ex & let the CMS do its job.

They’ve said it that it’s my fault they my DS will now not have a relationship with them.
It's not your fault. It's fully theirs.
THEY made the no contact threat - you have done nothing wrong.

Maybe if DS's useless dad had bothered to ever have a relationship with his child, they could have seen DS via him. But he didn't, so tough nuts. The fact that they choose not to see his wrongdoing, but scapegoat you for wanting him to at least pay for the child he walked away from shows you exactly what they are. These are the people who brought up your ex, & enabled him to be a selfish twat while they blame everybody but him for his actions.
STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Please block them on all comms today.

😂😂😂
Excellent - everything PP are all thinking - in a nutshell.
You really are the smartest witch of your age Hermione.

Remember your child will grow up and no matter what you think, will either seek out grandparents or resent you if they're dead by that rime So people implying child would be better off without them around are so wrong. Its easy to dwy 'oh just cut them off'

This is nonsense OP.
By the time your DS is old enough to do any (unlikely) seeking out, he'll be old enough to be told that his GC are manipulative, controlling arseholes who are best kept at distance.

Don't feel bad that he doesn't have arseholes in his life.
As Hermione said - where's the downside?!

(They were kind to him when it suited them but care little enough for him that they are willing to cut him off to spite you. If he ever disappointed them in any way - you can see that he would be made to suffer.)

Please read this again OP - @LiesDoNotBecomeUs is spot-on.

He had his chance to do the decent thing, he then ignored the CMS just leave it to them.

Quite satisfying that his employers know he has a deductions order tbh.

Why don't you use cms direct pay option. They calculate the amount each year, and he pays you directly so no fees for either of you he just pays into your account. Then if he misses a payment after a week you contact them and they collect it. They will then move him onto the one where he pays 20% fee and you pay 4% fee. Its like an incentive for him to pay as if he doesn't it will cost 20% more but you get the amount your entitled to as they calculate it each year.

Absolutely don’t be bullied into withdrawing the order. He has already shown himself to be dishonest. Even if by some miracle, he pays the correct amount, he will never tell you when he gets a pay rise. I’ve never had to do a CMS claim but I think you can ask for a reassessment regularly to reflect upon any salary increases.

I would respond stating there was no money in the card. Did they post it? The money could have easily been stolen in transit unfortunately, else they’re lying to start a fight. As for NC, please tell them if their son is to blame for his predicament. Had he been honest about his income and engaged with the CMS, they wouldn’t have to take the money your ds is entitled to at source. Then tell them it’s pretty low to punish a defenceless child for his error.

Tbh your ds is probably better off without them. They clearly think their adult child is more important than your son.

I thought that too!!

This stuff makes me so mad OP. I’m sorry. Your ex’s dad was angry you want to try and increase the maintenance your son (his grandson) deserves from his father?

My ex’s family are just like this. Especially his brother. He’s a very toxic nasty person. He’s said some awful things about me simply because I’m trying to co parent with my children’s father which involves him pulling his finger out and stepping up every once in a while. They think it’s all for me and my benefit but it’s about the kids.

Your son is better off away from these toxic people who would dump him just to help their son, and use him as a tool for blackmail.

the CM is nothing to do with them at all and I’d have no qualms about telling them that and that if they wish to no longer see your son then that’s on them not you.

and re the card just text and say there was no money in it. Maybe the parents took it out to stop you getting it and the sis has no idea

Their son is a dead beat dad who doesn't look after his child and is trying to weasel his way out of financially supporting his child too. What type of parent supports that behaviour? Trying to blackmail you into dropping for CMS application is abhorrent. Go through CMS. Forget about these people. Your child deserves so much better

I think you are amazing for trying to continue a relationship with ex’s family considering what a d bag the ex sounds like!! Hats off to you, not sure I would do the same!

Ignore the ex DP parents threats you are only requesting money that is rightful for the care of your DC .

If they continue their threat , their loss ( but don’t talk money with them anymore just go through CMS)