To feel I’m being ‘gaslighted’ by ex partner and his family?

[Lizzie67384]

Bit of a long story, so I’ll try and keep it short! My ex left when our DS was 10 months old and has not seen him since/made any attempt to see him.
My DS did have something of a relationship with ex’s parents/sister - he used to stay for a weekend once every two months. However, I will say, I felt like I could never raise any issues about my ex with them - it was kind of an ‘elephant’ in the room.
Fast forward to summer 2022 and it suddenly occurred to me that my ex had been paying the same amount of maintenance for the last 4 years and it hadn’t increased at all - I looked him up on LinkedIn and found out he had quite a good job. I tried to speak to my ex about this but he had blocked me, so unfortunately had to speak to his dad instead - his dad said he was ‘fuming’ that I was requesting more money as my ex was paying above what he should pay.
I felt quite upset by the way my ex’s dad responded and so I didn’t pursue things. However, I spoke with my own parents about it and they suggested I do the CMS application - was upset to find out that he’d been paying considerably less in maintenance.
Now his parents say I’m being unfair and he can’t afford this much per month (CMS have added 20% admin fees) and won’t see our son until I cancel the application? They’ve said it that it’s my fault they my DS will now not have a relationship with them.
Additionally, I received a card from the ex in laws for my son’s birthday last week and there was no money inside (which is fine) but then had a text off the sister saying I was being extremely rude for not saying thanks for the £25 that was inside but there 100% was no money inside!!
I feel I’m being made out to be difficult and from stopping DS’ grandparents from seeing him.

Any advice?

Couldn't have put this better myself!

Do NOT cancel that CMS order ! Personally, I wouldn't want this shitty family in my son's life anyway. You can guarantee as he gets older they will try and poison his mind against you.🤬

Amazing advice from everyone, thank you so much ladies ♥️ I only joined mumsnet fairly recently but I have found the advice I’ve received so helpful! Really grateful.

I will definitely be following all your advice and not cancelling the CMS order.

My parents also said they would be worried about DS being poisoned against me (they’ve already tried to make out I’m stopping my ex from being involved by being ‘difficult’)

Lizzie67384 listen to your mum and dad!
They are the only GP's your DS needs, believe me.

Thank you so much ♥️

You will not be the reason they won't have a relationship with their grandchild, they will be. Personally I would write them a letter and take a photocopy of it for you and your child when they're older. I would write that it is a shame they will not have a relationship with their grandchild but you wish them all the best for the future. Mention that the application will not be cancelled and you will go ahead to ensure your child has everything they need in life. They sound utterly ridiculous. Also mention the card you receive and the passive aggressive message from SIL about the money. tell them there was no money but you don't appreciate hearing through third parties that there is an issue. Let them know the door will always be open shoudl they change their mind in the future as all you want is the best for your child and would never use contact as a bargaining tool.

That is such good advice - I am 100% going to do this. Thank you!

I have made a point of never discussing my DD’s deadbeat father with his parents. When they have tried, I have always shut them down because I wanted to protect the relationship between them and DD.

I would let them know they are always welcome to have a relationship with your child and even though you don’t agree with their decision to suspend contact with your DD, you will respect their choice. Do not engage with their pathetic blackmail attempts.

Kinda missing the point here but who the hell sends cash in a card these days.....

Gaslighting dishonest CF’s who want to pretend that they are the victims, that’s who.

What sort of man is he that he knows his parents see his child but he doesn't? Urgh.

My DS is in his late 20s now but he hasn't seen his dad since he was very young. His Dad paid nothing and constantly lied to the CSA (as it was then) about his earnings. Now he's got 3 other kids - I do wonder how he sleeps at night knowing he has never contributed to a child of his that he knows nothing about.

We did try and see his parents for a very short period of time but they were completely toxic and from my point of view, having none of those people in our lives was a good thing.

I’m so sorry to hear that - that must have been really tough for you. If you don’t mind me asking (please don’t feel obliged to answer!) how does your son feel about his dad/grandparents now?

@Lizzie67384 He is extremely close to my DM. I had him when I was young (18) and so we lived with her for a bit on and off.

He won't ever speak about his Dad. It has definitely bothered him that he doesn't see him but he also knows that this was his Dad's choice - I never stopped access. He just didn't make any effort.

My DS did get in touch with him via facebook about 12 years ago. He asked why he had left and why he'd never tried to see him - his Dad said I was having an affair. FYI - I've never had an affair with anyone! He knew his Dad was lying and blocked him. That was, I think, the last time he ever had any contact with him.

I think single parents have quite a different relationship with their children than the usual mum / dad / child relationship. I feel like you are forced to become a team just to manage normal day-to-day life activities which builds an additional bond that you might not usually have. He has obviously always had me and my family so he has lots of love but I know he is angry that his Dad was such a dick.

I don't think not seeing his grandparents on that side bothers him at all.

That should have read - I don't think he is bothered about not having a relationship with his grandparents.

Ah thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

Wow, your ex sounds awful, can’t believe he said that! And tbh even if that was the case, that’s not a reason for him to abandon his son!!!

You sound like an amazing mum and I’m sure your son has really appreciated it ♥️

Honestly, I’d lose my fucking rag with them. Ask them why they think their son shouldn’t have to pay the absolute legal minimum for his own fucking child, on top of opting out of his parenting responsibilities. Maybe they should have raised their son to be more responsible with his sperm if he didn’t want to pay.

😂😂 honestly, I’d say I’m quite mild mannered but they make me feel so angry. It’s so difficult trying to talk to people who think that behaviour is fine (an example - never sending a birthday card or Christmas card/present). I’m not convinced he even knows what date DS’ bday is!