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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moaning Husband

75 replies

MrsP22 · 27/11/2022 19:54

Been married for 7 years. Problems been showing for a little while mostly down to money and different parenting approaches. (I have a teenager he is a step parent to)

Got to the point were I was having to explain every single transaction I made from the joint account even for little things like cleaning stuff and Christmas presents (under £25.00). This was Christmas 2021.

A year on and after multiple conversations about him micromanaging our money I’m finding myself in the same position.
My child is 14 and he stated that there was a £50 Christmas present limit (I never spend excessively anyway especially now with things how they are but it wasn’t even up for discussion).

Had it before were we had our finances separate but ended up paying 50/50 for absolutely everything and it ended were I was left with absolutely nothing at the end of the month (worked part time due to mental health and my child to pay for).

I dont feel I have any financial independence as I’m always worried about spending money from the joint account and if we have separate money I end up with nothing at the end of the month as 50/50 bills and a teenager costs me a lot.

I have now increased my hours despite my mental health to near enough full time. I still am finding myself booking my yearly hair colour and cut after my Birthday in order to use my Birthday money to get my hair cut (long hair so costs me about £80.00)

If I need to buy my daughter clothes I’m always explaining as to why.

Yesterday was awful. My child and he got a takeaway. My child asked for sauce I forgot to ask for his and he was complaining and moaning that my child had sauce and that he is sick of always being forgotten about. Bearing in mind I got him a pair of trainers he had wanted, a meal with our friends and surprise birthday cake last week for his birthday were I get a Sainsburys £5.00 candle which he buys on the day of my birthday.

By his own admission he’s a moaning (fill in the blank) but blames his Father as he is like this also and isn’t very nice to his wife.

Feel exhausted and not sure what to do

OP posts:
Ontobetterthings · 27/11/2022 19:56

Is money tight?

Stressedmum2017 · 27/11/2022 20:01

£50 Christmas present limit for your child? That's disgusting and I'm on a very, very low income. Financial abuse is a real thing. Seems like he's using it as a way of control.

AutumnCrow · 27/11/2022 20:02

"Bearing in mind I got him a pair of trainers he had wanted, a meal with our friends and surprise birthday cake last week for his birthday where I get a Sainsburys £5.00 candle which he buys on the day of my birthday."

Oh love, why are you doing this? Are you trying to placate him? It's not working.

You need to cut your losses with this one and make alternative plans.

Original poster
MrsP22 · 27/11/2022 20:03

Ontobetterthings · 27/11/2022 19:56

Is money tight?

No we both work and all our bills are paid and we can afford food.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsP22 · 27/11/2022 20:06

Stressedmum2017 · 27/11/2022 20:01

£50 Christmas present limit for your child? That's disgusting and I'm on a very, very low income. Financial abuse is a real thing. Seems like he's using it as a way of control.

In this day and age what am I meant to get for £50.00.

OP posts:
Jeschara · 27/11/2022 20:07

Tell him to get lost, you take out what you need and you buy your child what you want to give her.
Do not let this man control you, take what you want and need. If he asks tell him you are not explaining to him again. Call his bluff tell him if he does not like it he can leave. I could not live with this financially controlling miserly individual. A most unattractive trait.

Tsort · 27/11/2022 20:09

Bearing in mind I got him a pair of trainers he had wanted, a meal with our friends and surprise birthday cake last week for his birthday where I get a Sainsburys £5.00 candle which he buys on the day of my birthday.

Why? Why are you doing this? Why are you tolerating all this and why are you living like this? It’s a choice and you’re actively making it. So, why?

mamabear715 · 27/11/2022 20:10

Your life sounds pretty miserable, tbh, @MrsP22
Maybe he should shape up or ship out.

GOODCAT · 27/11/2022 20:11

Can you have partly separate and partly joint finances, so you each pay a proportionate amount of expenses according to income into a joint account and have separate accounts for the balance?

Original poster
MrsP22 · 27/11/2022 20:11

Tsort · 27/11/2022 20:09

Bearing in mind I got him a pair of trainers he had wanted, a meal with our friends and surprise birthday cake last week for his birthday where I get a Sainsburys £5.00 candle which he buys on the day of my birthday.

Why? Why are you doing this? Why are you tolerating all this and why are you living like this? It’s a choice and you’re actively making it. So, why?

I dont know. Maybe I'm frightened to be on my own with a child again left my child's dad years ago when she was a baby. I feel like I dont have a friend group anymore since I got married that seems to have dwinded away. Only family I have are my parents.

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/11/2022 20:12

What have you said to him with regards to the "limit"? Because I'd tell him to fuck off.

This is no way to live.

DenholmElliot11 · 27/11/2022 20:12

Jeschara · 27/11/2022 20:07

Tell him to get lost, you take out what you need and you buy your child what you want to give her.
Do not let this man control you, take what you want and need. If he asks tell him you are not explaining to him again. Call his bluff tell him if he does not like it he can leave. I could not live with this financially controlling miserly individual. A most unattractive trait.

I couldn't agree more.

Tell him you'll be doing exactly what you want to and if he doesn't like it he can fuck off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2022 20:13

How much did the trainers, meal and cake cost?

You sound very unhappy. Do you get child support from DD’s dad and child benefit for DD?

If you were hard up you could plenty for £50, I’m sure plenty of families across the country are having these discussions and it’s a bit daft to say you can’t imagine what you’d get for it.

The issue is you feel your income allows for more and for some reason you both think he gets to veto that. That’s not okay.

As you’re both working ft where’s all the money going? Is he naturally wary of spending so you have some financial security or is he spending more on himself than you feel is fair?

Pictograph · 27/11/2022 20:13

He is being completely unreasonable.

iklboo · 27/11/2022 20:13

My child asked for sauce I forgot to ask for his and he was complaining and moaning that my child had sauce

How miserable and childish.

Original poster
MrsP22 · 27/11/2022 20:13

Jeschara · 27/11/2022 20:07

Tell him to get lost, you take out what you need and you buy your child what you want to give her.
Do not let this man control you, take what you want and need. If he asks tell him you are not explaining to him again. Call his bluff tell him if he does not like it he can leave. I could not live with this financially controlling miserly individual. A most unattractive trait.

I'm really struggling. Its been going on for ages. Last Christmas he moaned at me for spending £25.00 on a Christmas present for my child when there was only £23.00 left in her 'budget'.

OP posts:
Mamoun · 27/11/2022 20:13

Financial Abuse

Original poster
MrsP22 · 27/11/2022 20:15

GOODCAT · 27/11/2022 20:11

Can you have partly separate and partly joint finances, so you each pay a proportionate amount of expenses according to income into a joint account and have separate accounts for the balance?

He wont do that. When I suggested it his response was its not my fault you dont work full time so it was a straight 50/50 split. Well with me being part time and a child to pay for I was literally skint every month and he had plenty. So we did the other option of joint finances and now he micromanaging everything I spend

OP posts:
Stopthebusplease · 27/11/2022 20:16

You say you ended up paying 1/2 the bills OP, would I be correct in thinking you don't earn as much as he does? If so, then you should each pay proportionately toward the bills, he can't expect you to pay half, and pay for your child, if you only earn say 50% of what he's bringing home? Is the father of your child contributing to their upbringing at all, or are you having to find all the money for your daughter too? Sounds to me like he may be being a bit miserly, but have you actually sat down and worked the money out together, so that he can see where your money is going and why you don't end up with enough for yourself? The fact that he appears to have dictated the maximum spend on Christmas gifts, leads me to think that perhaps you don't actually talk these things through, but instead he TELLS you what you're allowed to spend money on, and if that's the case and you can't communicate with him, then I'd seriously be thinking that you'd be better off on your own.

Always4Brenner · 27/11/2022 20:16

Being on your own is better than this, he’ll wear you down he already has,.

Merryoldgoat · 27/11/2022 20:17

You’d be stupid to stay with this man any longer. I’d rather be alone forever than treated like that for a week.

Original poster
MrsP22 · 27/11/2022 20:18

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2022 20:13

How much did the trainers, meal and cake cost?

You sound very unhappy. Do you get child support from DD’s dad and child benefit for DD?

If you were hard up you could plenty for £50, I’m sure plenty of families across the country are having these discussions and it’s a bit daft to say you can’t imagine what you’d get for it.

The issue is you feel your income allows for more and for some reason you both think he gets to veto that. That’s not okay.

As you’re both working ft where’s all the money going? Is he naturally wary of spending so you have some financial security or is he spending more on himself than you feel is fair?

The trainers alone were more than a couple of hundred.

He is wary of money but we manage to cover all our bills and food but with regards to economical sacrifices its always me and my child. I never question little purchases he spends whereas I get questioned if I've spent money in a shop and it was cleaning supplies for the house.

I never buy myself anything or go anywhere or do any sort of self care for myself hence booking my hair appointment around my birthday when I know I get money off my parents.

OP posts:
OhwhyOY · 27/11/2022 20:18

Why does having separate finances mean you have to pay 50/50 if you don't earn the same? Can you split the bills etc proportionally according to income levels so you have some money for yourself? I agree with others that this sounds like unpleasant, controlling behaviour. My advice is always on balance do you think you'd be happier with or without this person in your life, accepting them as they are now? If you'd be happier without him then I'd sit him down and have a conversation that this issue is a deal breaker for you and if things don't change swiftly (control over money, lack of respect for you and failing to buy you presents when you do nice things for him, complaining over minor issues etc) you will leave. Then it is on him to decide if he's willing to change or not. If he isn't, go.

Tsort · 27/11/2022 20:19

MrsP22 · 27/11/2022 20:11

I dont know. Maybe I'm frightened to be on my own with a child again left my child's dad years ago when she was a baby. I feel like I dont have a friend group anymore since I got married that seems to have dwinded away. Only family I have are my parents.

Show quote history

You need to figure it out.

This thread is going to fill up with people telling you he sounds awful and that you and your kids deserve better. All true. You’ll get to vent and people will support you.

However, venting ultimately achieves nothing. So, you’re either going to have to address your fears (what’s so scary about being alone? What does this man give you? What’s stopping you from reaching out to your old friends or trying to make new ones?) or just accept that this is your life.

Original poster
MrsP22 · 27/11/2022 20:21

Stopthebusplease · 27/11/2022 20:16

You say you ended up paying 1/2 the bills OP, would I be correct in thinking you don't earn as much as he does? If so, then you should each pay proportionately toward the bills, he can't expect you to pay half, and pay for your child, if you only earn say 50% of what he's bringing home? Is the father of your child contributing to their upbringing at all, or are you having to find all the money for your daughter too? Sounds to me like he may be being a bit miserly, but have you actually sat down and worked the money out together, so that he can see where your money is going and why you don't end up with enough for yourself? The fact that he appears to have dictated the maximum spend on Christmas gifts, leads me to think that perhaps you don't actually talk these things through, but instead he TELLS you what you're allowed to spend money on, and if that's the case and you can't communicate with him, then I'd seriously be thinking that you'd be better off on your own.

Yes I ended up paying 50% of the bills and his response was I was only working part time due to my child well it isn't my fault you dont work full time.

We have sat down and gone through finances. We both have an income which goes into the joint account were all bills are paid but whatever is left he will dictate and moan at me for spending any of it.

OP posts: