Moaning Husband

[MrsP22]

Been married for 7 years. Problems been showing for a little while mostly down to money and different parenting approaches. (I have a teenager he is a step parent to)

Got to the point were I was having to explain every single transaction I made from the joint account even for little things like cleaning stuff and Christmas presents (under £25.00). This was Christmas 2021.

A year on and after multiple conversations about him micromanaging our money I’m finding myself in the same position.
My child is 14 and he stated that there was a £50 Christmas present limit (I never spend excessively anyway especially now with things how they are but it wasn’t even up for discussion).

Had it before were we had our finances separate but ended up paying 50/50 for absolutely everything and it ended were I was left with absolutely nothing at the end of the month (worked part time due to mental health and my child to pay for).

I dont feel I have any financial independence as I’m always worried about spending money from the joint account and if we have separate money I end up with nothing at the end of the month as 50/50 bills and a teenager costs me a lot.

I have now increased my hours despite my mental health to near enough full time. I still am finding myself booking my yearly hair colour and cut after my Birthday in order to use my Birthday money to get my hair cut (long hair so costs me about £80.00)

If I need to buy my daughter clothes I’m always explaining as to why.

Yesterday was awful. My child and he got a takeaway. My child asked for sauce I forgot to ask for his and he was complaining and moaning that my child had sauce and that he is sick of always being forgotten about. Bearing in mind I got him a pair of trainers he had wanted, a meal with our friends and surprise birthday cake last week for his birthday were I get a Sainsburys £5.00 candle which he buys on the day of my birthday.

By his own admission he’s a moaning (fill in the blank) but blames his Father as he is like this also and isn’t very nice to his wife.

Feel exhausted and not sure what to do

I asked him to split in proportion to our income. Said it wasn't his fault I only worked part time due to my mental health and child so everything was split 50/50.

I had nothing left as I had a child to pay for. When suggesting a holiday I said I couldn't afford. His response was he will go with a friend.

OP, I'm so sorry. This man sounds awful - utterly selfish, controlling and mean. I know it's scary to be on your own, but do you think it might end up feeling like a relief too? No one controlling you or watching you all the time. You will be free to spend money on your child (and yourself - you matter too) without having to justify it. I truly don't believe this will get better - it's not a fixable problem like differences in communication styles, it's a much more fundamental issue: a lack of kindness and generosity in his nature. He won't change (he can't). So all you can do is protect yourself and your child by getting away from his control.

So what will he do if you tell him to shove it and spend what you want ? I couldn't be with someone so tight and miserable.

And just to echo what others have said, yes, this is financial abuse.

I think you need to find out if you would be better off financially if you separated.

there are government calculators that you can put your income into and it will tell you.

I think your mental health would improve drastically if you were not with him.

he is sucking the life and joy out of you. you deserve better. And so does your child.

look into your options. Please don’t put up with this shite. he admits he’s stingy and makes no effort to apologise or change.

you get one life. Don’t waste it on him.

Stop placating him fgs

A £50 limit isn't disgusting - it's all I can afford and I give it with love. Your comment upsets me.

This is financial abuse. Move money to your own account if you can and call Women Aid.

What a dreadful man. This is no way to live.

Isn’t he a peach?!?!

So have you said his Xmas present limit will be £30 and see what he says.

This is not the same thing at all, you choose to only spend £50 on a Christmas present and it is done lovingly, the OP does not choose this at all and her miserly husband has a go at her because she spends £2 00 over what he allows her.
I dont understand why you are upset your circumstances are different.

So he can have £200 on trainers but went £2 over a budget he created for your child and he didn’t like it? I never ever say this on here because things are never that black and white, but honestly the best thing for you and your child would be to leave. Show her that this is not how a decent relationship works and is not what she should accept in the future.

As I understand it you both work but he works more. You have a teenager. You split things 50/50. The teenager is not your DH's. (Teen's father? Is he able to contribute?).

He is worried about money and maybe resents money being spent on your child if it is a lot and you're working part-time.

We see plenty of threads in which women resent paying for stepkids - especially when they get their own new baby - and they are often agreed with. (His kid, he pays).

Better communication and an honest, open discussion is what's needed. You could leave and then you'd be paying 100% of your teen's stuff. (And leave you should if you are unhappy - this isn't good for anyone).

And £50 is more than enough for a Christmas present. It's more than we are spending. But then the kids know it's not about money and it's not an easy year.

So what would happen if you said you weren’t putting up with it anymore and spent what you want?

Allocate whatever budget you have for his Xmas present and spend it on your child. Tell him you ran out of money and couldn’t afford his present. Then leave him, life is too short to be chained to a moaning miser.

Are you not able to work full time now? I would do that, and kick him out.

I've just increased my hours yes.

Sorry but I am absolutely disgusted that you did all that for him and let him complain you got your child sauce and dictate to you you have a £50 limit on her presents. Totally disgusted.

This is abuse, what example are you showing her? Personally I want my daughter to know it is a thousand times better to be single and independent than with a shitty controlling man and I'll do whatever it takes to show her what that looks like.

LTB

The main problem is not that he is miserly with money, or mean spirited about your DD (although those are plenty big enough). The issue is that he takes zero responsibility for his actions, blaming it on his dad. That is total crap - he is an adult, he is making choices. And his choice is the be abusive. Please take care of yourself and get your DD away from this mean man.

to be, not the be

Why would you spend 200 on a grown man who earns his own money, and allow that adult to dictate how you spend your earnings in regard to your minor child. I hope she doesn't cotton on to the fact that you are prioritising his needs/wants. Maybe he is a contributing factor in your MH problems.

Perhaps you could allow him to read this thread!

I thought I was doing something nice by getting him something he has wanted for a while.

Why are you letting him dictate how much you spend on YOUR child?

Tell him to fuck off.