Moaning Husband

[MrsP22]

Been married for 7 years. Problems been showing for a little while mostly down to money and different parenting approaches. (I have a teenager he is a step parent to)

Got to the point were I was having to explain every single transaction I made from the joint account even for little things like cleaning stuff and Christmas presents (under £25.00). This was Christmas 2021.

A year on and after multiple conversations about him micromanaging our money I’m finding myself in the same position.
My child is 14 and he stated that there was a £50 Christmas present limit (I never spend excessively anyway especially now with things how they are but it wasn’t even up for discussion).

Had it before were we had our finances separate but ended up paying 50/50 for absolutely everything and it ended were I was left with absolutely nothing at the end of the month (worked part time due to mental health and my child to pay for).

I dont feel I have any financial independence as I’m always worried about spending money from the joint account and if we have separate money I end up with nothing at the end of the month as 50/50 bills and a teenager costs me a lot.

I have now increased my hours despite my mental health to near enough full time. I still am finding myself booking my yearly hair colour and cut after my Birthday in order to use my Birthday money to get my hair cut (long hair so costs me about £80.00)

If I need to buy my daughter clothes I’m always explaining as to why.

Yesterday was awful. My child and he got a takeaway. My child asked for sauce I forgot to ask for his and he was complaining and moaning that my child had sauce and that he is sick of always being forgotten about. Bearing in mind I got him a pair of trainers he had wanted, a meal with our friends and surprise birthday cake last week for his birthday were I get a Sainsburys £5.00 candle which he buys on the day of my birthday.

By his own admission he’s a moaning (fill in the blank) but blames his Father as he is like this also and isn’t very nice to his wife.

Feel exhausted and not sure what to do

I feel for you. He's not a good person. Decent people don't treat their loved ones like this. Please think about yourself and how much better your life would be without this controlling person

Thanks. I suppose at nearly 40 I feel frightened starting alone again

But why would you? You cannot afford to buy him £200 shoes! He is a grown man and can buy his OWN shoes. Why are you doing this? Are you putting up with this inequality in finances to buy his love? Is that what you think you're worth? It sounds like you are with him for no other reason than you are afraid to be alone.

What’s he like with your dd in general? He sounds really resentful of her.

Yes. He seems resentful as her biological dad doesn't really pay towards her

@JCoverdale It was a birthday present. We have a joint account so technically it was taken out of both our money.

I’m just going to say this.

My mum did this. She stayed with a miserable miser (not my dad) and our lives were HORRIBLE. I have never forgiven her for putting us through that shit and whilst I love her (she’s dead now) I will still never forgive her.

This is what you risk. A shitty miserable marriage and a damaged relationship with your daughter; one that may not be repairable.

This is what I'm frightened of I really am.

Listen to this OP - I would be really worried about how his obvious resentment towards your dd is going to affect her.

Please don’t only spend £50 on her if you want to spend more - stop letting this idiot bully you, and by extension bully your dd.

I would work out and exit plan and then have a make or break conversation with him. You are either one family and he acts like the dc is a part of his family and you have equal spare cash or it’s over.

Any regression on this arrangement must be nipped in the bud by you. If he is arguing about sauce or £2 then start calling him Eboneezer.

Assuming you as a family can afford his £200 shoes and a holiday for him then it’s ridiculous that the dc gets £50 Christmas limit.

You should either be a team or nothing. You need to be more assertive!

@MrsP22 but not frightened enough into action it seems.

Get rid. How can you even like someone like this?
You'd be much happier on you own with the kids. Can't be much fun for your son with a stepdad who made an issue over a packet of sauce.

I agree it’s financial abuse. Why are you paying 50%? Are you paying ‘the same amount as him’ or 50% in relation to your own income? It should be the latter.
Do you still love him. This sounds miserable way to live and he sounds like a shit step parent. Are you sure it’s what you want.. xxx

Thinking about it actually he’s worse than a shit step parent. Your child must feel awful thinking his step dad doesn’t want you all as a family- because that’s what this is really. I would do as a pp had said - work out your exit plan and then say to him you want more financial equality and to be a whole family, no excuses- if he won’t accept those terms I think you have to leave. I think you’d be much happier without him to be honest!! Xx

Your daughter will grow up and leave him. It will be just you and him. He won't get better or kinder or more loving. He will continue to br s moaning miser. He will start counting how many teabags you use and tell you to make one teabag last for three cups - but he will use one bag per cup because he controls the money.
You will have a grandchild and you will not be able to buy gifts for him/her because it isn't "his" grandchild.
You say you are afraid to start over because you are "almost 40?"
That means you are in your 30's. Get up and get your child and get out. You still have time to prove to your child how important she is to you. You would be happier in a small flat with a cat than living with Mr. Ebeneezer Scrooge.

He'll go on holiday with his friend rather than you, because you can't afford it. That's dreadfully sad, OP. I don't think he understands what a relationship is.

So he is happy to have you spend £300 on his birthday but begrudges your dd Christmas presents of more than £50?

Op, I promise you that single life is 1000% better than your current existence.

Why on earth are you with this arsewipe?

Bearing in mind I got him a pair of trainers he had wanted, a meal with our friends and surprise birthday cake last week for his birthday were I get a Sainsburys £5.00 candle which he buys on the day of my birthday.

I would start by returning the trainers you gave him last week (or selling on ebay etc. if they've been worn or taken out of the box). You can put the money towards your DD's Christmas present. Then I would also re-gift him the £5 candle for Christmas. That frees up any money you would have spent on him to spend on your child.

After having made yourself feel better by doing those two things, I'd then investigate seriously what your financial position would be if you were on your own. It would have to be pretty bad for this man to be worth staying with.

If you're worried about damaging your relationship with your daughter (and you should be) then DO SOMETHING.

Before it's too late

Do two things.

1. Get a formal child maintenance order to get your ex to pay.

1. He's abusing you - financially and emotionally. This is no way to live and is vey damaging to your child. Take steps to dump him and create a better life for your child.

So apart from moan (which he will anyway) what would he do if you challenge the Christmas budget and say no I want to get this this and this and spend £100?
Just do it and if he moans say it's not my fault you won't agree to proportionate income into joint account. If he did you could buy all these things from your own account.

I’m 56 and starting alone six weeks in loving it a friend of mine is nearly 80 and she’s starting alone although in her case a granny flat in her daughters house. It can be done.

I apologise if this is harsh. It is kindly meant.

You owe it to your daughter to provide a home where she feels safe, loved and protected. Not one where she and mummy are subject to the whims and financial abuse of a resentful, jealous miser.

You know you are braver and better than this OP.

Sadly your DH has already told you he won’t change. Please believe him. Take a dose of courage, as you’ll have to divorce him.

The way forwards is:

1. seek discrete legal advice on what kind of financial settlement you can expect on divorce. With an underage ‘child of the family’ in the mix you are could be pleasantly surprised at what you are entitled to. (Make sure you take with you all joint and separate financial documents - bank statements, pensions, credit card statements, mortgage statements etc)
2. Counselling for you, to determine why you are so afraid of being single that you will neglect your own and your daughter’s needs to preserve a relationship with a hostile stranger
3. LTB and a swift divorce
4. Have a great life. You are still young! No reason why you can’t meet a great partner in future!

Childhood is short. You have 4 years left until she's 18. Get out now and live a life that's yours and hers and hopefully full, generous and loving within your means.
What if she wants to go to uni - your household income will be taken into account with how much she can borrow and if he refuses to contribute the expected contributions she'll be much worse off.