Meeting estranged father tomorrow after 11 years

AlbertaAnnie · 2022-11-27T17:50:41+00:00

Not so much a Aibu, but posed for traffic. as the tile says seeing my father for the first time after zero contact for 11 years. His decision to end contact as I didn’t get on with his wife. I made the decision to reach out as I figure life is short but I’m feeling a bit nervous about seeing him. Has any one been in similar situation about how to proceed with first meeting after so long?

ryantubridysthumb · 27/11/2022 17:53

I think that if he was prepared to put his wife over his own child, he's not much of a dad.

Hoppinggreen · 27/11/2022 17:55

Good Luck and I hope you get what you want from it but it’s a good idea not to get your hopes up.
Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed

JaniceBingALing · 27/11/2022 17:55

I'm not surprised you feel nervous, but you did a nice thing in reaching out. How receptive was he to your contact? Why did you not get on with his wife?

Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 17:59

ryantubridysthumb · 27/11/2022 17:53

I think that if he was prepared to put his wife over his own child, he's not much of a dad.

Yea sadly you are right

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ErinAndTonic · 27/11/2022 18:00

You might be setting yourself up for a fall 😔

Unicorn717 · 27/11/2022 18:03

Good luck for tomorrow. Hope it goes okay. Hopefully he realises he's missed out on a lot and made the wrong decision 11 years ago and kept in contact.

Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:05

JaniceBingALing · 27/11/2022 17:55

I'm not surprised you feel nervous, but you did a nice thing in reaching out. How receptive was he to your contact? Why did you not get on with his wife?

He was quick to respond - the story behind the wife is too long to go into but she seemed to enjoy starting problems and drama. He had a affair with her and was the reason he left us so I guess it was always on shaky grounds.

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bakewellbride · 27/11/2022 18:07

I did this but it was 20 years not 11 and it was an awful, awful time for me. After 9 months of contact I ended contact again permanently and thankfully he is now dead. He was abusive. Just horrific. Whole thing was a very long time ago now and I needed a lot of therapy back then.

TellMeWhere · 27/11/2022 18:09

I think you need to be clear (and realistic) in what you're hoping to get from the meet up.

I don't really see my own dad. We aren't no contact, but aren't in contact beyond Christmas/Birthday pleasantries.

Are you just going for a coffee or something? I'd keep it casual, keep expectations low and just see how it goes. I wouldn't dredge up anything too emotional on this occasion, and be prepared to leave if it doesn't go as planned.

How old are you?

Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:14

TellMeWhere · 27/11/2022 18:09

I think you need to be clear (and realistic) in what you're hoping to get from the meet up.

I don't really see my own dad. We aren't no contact, but aren't in contact beyond Christmas/Birthday pleasantries.

Are you just going for a coffee or something? I'd keep it casual, keep expectations low and just see how it goes. I wouldn't dredge up anything too emotional on this occasion, and be prepared to leave if it doesn't go as planned.

How old are you?

Good advice - yes we have decided to meet for a coffee in a public place. I’m trying to keep my expectations low but feel so nervous and worried about being tearful. I’m mid 30’s.

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Merryoldgoat · 27/11/2022 18:16

Why are you meeting him? What do you want to get from it?

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 27/11/2022 18:20

Is he still with the wife?

Testina · 27/11/2022 18:22

Just remember that you are under no obligation to continue contact. If you want to meet, scratch an itch, satisfy curiosity, whatever… you can still just cut him off straight after.

ChocolateBauble · 27/11/2022 18:22

Good luck. As others have said don’t get your hopes up. I was meant to meet mine after many years NC - he didn’t turn up.

Bestcatmum · 27/11/2022 18:27

Seriously your expectations need to be rock bottom. My father abandoned me as a baby and quite honestly I don't want to meet him at all.

TellMeWhere · 27/11/2022 18:27

Don't over think it. Nothing ventured and all that.

Assuming you don't think he will actually be out and out rude or nasty to you, the worst that can happen is you go back to how things are today. Personally I'd try and keep it at a "what everyone's doing now" surface level. Do you have kids? I don't, but understand you might find it hard to be as hard faced as me if you feel like they're missing out on a relationship with a grandparent.

I've had similar dad's partner issues. I compartmentalise and don't (outwardly) dwell on things that make me bitter. It is what it is and move on. We can all be in the same house and pretend past things haven't happened - we just don't really do it. My sibling has much more contact.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:47

Thank you 🙏

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Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:48

Good advice thank you 🙏

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Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:49

ChocolateBauble · 27/11/2022 18:22

Good luck. As others have said don’t get your hopes up. I was meant to meet mine after many years NC - he didn’t turn up.

I am sorry that happened - I think this maybe a possibility as he is quite a cowardly person which is why it’s hot to this point I think…

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Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:50

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 27/11/2022 18:20

Is he still with the wife?

yes

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NeedAChangeAsIAmSoooOuting · 27/11/2022 18:51

I met my absent dad as a teen and and then had no contact until mid 20s when we met up again. I was thouroughly disappointed. He was just a random guy who left 2 year old me and never looked back. We had nothing in common except our faces. We don't talk now.

Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:51

Merryoldgoat · 27/11/2022 18:16

Why are you meeting him? What do you want to get from it?

It’s for my own benefit really. I always worry he will die suddenly and things would be left unresolved- when he goes I want to be able to think that I tried and put it behind me - I’m not expecting him to be a big part of my life. I would like occasional contact as that’s what I fee is the right thing - however if it doesn’t go well I am prepared to walk away and go nc again.

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Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:55

TellMeWhere · 27/11/2022 18:27

Don't over think it. Nothing ventured and all that.

Assuming you don't think he will actually be out and out rude or nasty to you, the worst that can happen is you go back to how things are today. Personally I'd try and keep it at a "what everyone's doing now" surface level. Do you have kids? I don't, but understand you might find it hard to be as hard faced as me if you feel like they're missing out on a relationship with a grandparent.

I've had similar dad's partner issues. I compartmentalise and don't (outwardly) dwell on things that make me bitter. It is what it is and move on. We can all be in the same house and pretend past things haven't happened - we just don't really do it. My sibling has much more contact.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

I think if I tried to bring up the past he may be unpleasant- he’s not good at accepting any responsibility for his action. I do have children who he doesn’t know. I don’t feel they are missing out as their other grandparents are very involved- it’s him who is missing out on them, I felt it was right to give him the opportunity but if it doesn’t go well they won’t be meeting him. I wouldn’t want them to feel the rejection that I felt. I did loose a baby several years ago and even though he knew about it from my sister he didn’t reach out so my expectations are v low.

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Original poster

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:56

NeedAChangeAsIAmSoooOuting · 27/11/2022 18:51

I met my absent dad as a teen and and then had no contact until mid 20s when we met up again. I was thouroughly disappointed. He was just a random guy who left 2 year old me and never looked back. We had nothing in common except our faces. We don't talk now.

Yes that may be the case with mine too if first meeting goes badly. Feels like a stranger to me after so long

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TellMeWhere · 27/11/2022 18:56

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 18:49

I am sorry that happened - I think this maybe a possibility as he is quite a cowardly person which is why it’s hot to this point I think…

Show quote history

Mine is similar. Not aggressive or abusive. But useless and weak as a parent (and husband to my mother).

He's allowed me and my sibling to be screwed over and overlooked in various ways, for as along as I remember. That's why I'm so indifferent.

If that is his character then it's easiest to accept that and decide how you want to navigate that relationship. Don't expect him to change or step up in any way.