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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting estranged father tomorrow after 11 years

74 replies

AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 17:50

Not so much a Aibu, but posed for traffic.
as the tile says seeing my father for the first time after zero contact for 11 years. His decision to end contact as I didn’t get on with his wife. I made the decision to reach out as I figure life is short but I’m feeling a bit nervous about seeing him. Has any one been in similar situation about how to proceed with first meeting after so long?

OP posts:
silverbubbles · 27/11/2022 18:56

Good luck. I appreciate how you are feeling. Just go along to say hi, chat about the weather, ask him what he's upto, how his job is, what he's up to. if that is what you want....

If this was me - I know my Dad would be thinking I wanted something or needed some help in some way.... That's never been the case but it is just how he is.

Eastie77Returns · 27/11/2022 19:01

Good luck OP. I have very limited contact with my deeply unpleasant and abusive dad. He ignored me for years and only got in contact once I had kids and he wanted to play the doting grandfather. I take DC to see him occasionally but purely for their sake as they do want a relationship with him.

It’s all very sad but the truth is I dread visiting and I know I won’t miss him when he dies.

I hope it goes as well as it can and you can take things forward with your if it seems like the right thing to do.

Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 19:01

TellMeWhere · 27/11/2022 18:56

Mine is similar. Not aggressive or abusive. But useless and weak as a parent (and husband to my mother).

He's allowed me and my sibling to be screwed over and overlooked in various ways, for as along as I remember. That's why I'm so indifferent.

If that is his character then it's easiest to accept that and decide how you want to navigate that relationship. Don't expect him to change or step up in any way.

Show quote history

You are right - I can’t chance him and I plan to keep things very casual and not expect anything from him

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 27/11/2022 19:16

I think you are doing the right thing meeting him.
I was NC with my Father for a few years but he asked to meet so I thought I would give it one more chance to be sure.
I had been quite I’ll but made the effort - he refused not to chain smoke despite me explaining I was recovering from a chest infection and was struggling to breathe, Then he complained about how w had his life was and asked me for money , I refused and he got arsey so I left. It confirmed that I had been right about him and he would never change.
When he was dying in hospital (again- it was one of his manipulation tactics) I didn’t visit and didn’t go to the funeral with no regrets at all but I was glad I gave it one last chance.

Minimalme · 27/11/2022 19:24

The thing about disappointing parents is they never fail to disappoint.

People don't change.

However, I think you just need proof that you haven't done anything wrong and that's ok.

Play it really cool, let him be the one to bring the emotion. If he can't do that, you have your answer.

Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:33

silverbubbles · 27/11/2022 18:56

Good luck. I appreciate how you are feeling. Just go along to say hi, chat about the weather, ask him what he's upto, how his job is, what he's up to. if that is what you want....

If this was me - I know my Dad would be thinking I wanted something or needed some help in some way.... That's never been the case but it is just how he is.

Yes mine is the same - first thing he asked was what the matter was….

OP posts:
Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:34

Minimalme · 27/11/2022 19:24

The thing about disappointing parents is they never fail to disappoint.

People don't change.

However, I think you just need proof that you haven't done anything wrong and that's ok.

Play it really cool, let him be the one to bring the emotion. If he can't do that, you have your answer.

You are so right - even the very brief conversation to arrange the coffee was disappointing. I’m not expecting much

OP posts:
Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:35

Hoppinggreen · 27/11/2022 19:16

I think you are doing the right thing meeting him.
I was NC with my Father for a few years but he asked to meet so I thought I would give it one more chance to be sure.
I had been quite I’ll but made the effort - he refused not to chain smoke despite me explaining I was recovering from a chest infection and was struggling to breathe, Then he complained about how w had his life was and asked me for money , I refused and he got arsey so I left. It confirmed that I had been right about him and he would never change.
When he was dying in hospital (again- it was one of his manipulation tactics) I didn’t visit and didn’t go to the funeral with no regrets at all but I was glad I gave it one last chance.

This is exactly how I feel. Just want to feel sure that I did make the effort so I have nothing to feel bad about if I neve see him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:36

Eastie77Returns · 27/11/2022 19:01

Good luck OP. I have very limited contact with my deeply unpleasant and abusive dad. He ignored me for years and only got in contact once I had kids and he wanted to play the doting grandfather. I take DC to see him occasionally but purely for their sake as they do want a relationship with him.

It’s all very sad but the truth is I dread visiting and I know I won’t miss him when he dies.

I hope it goes as well as it can and you can take things forward with your if it seems like the right thing to do.

💐💐

OP posts:
Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:36

Thanks all for your help and advice - very much appreciated

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 27/11/2022 20:37

Just sending hugs, @AlbertaAnnie - I hope all goes well, & if it doesn't, at least you tried.

DuchessDandelion · 27/11/2022 20:39

Good luck, op. He doesn't deserve you x

MayThe4th · 27/11/2022 20:39

What was your relationship like before he went NC?

Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:49

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Crucible · 27/11/2022 20:49

If I were you, I would have a trusted friend sit at a nearby table. (Not someone he'd recognise). Then if it goes badly you have support immediately on leaving. That's what I'd do. It might not be feasible. I guess I would just feel.a bit less like I was walking into the lions den, knowing a friend was there, even if they were not sitting in on it. They could be aware that if you put a woolly hat back on, it means it's all gone downhill and you're going to pay.
Low expectations - and silent support. Good luck.

Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:51

Crucible · 27/11/2022 20:49

If I were you, I would have a trusted friend sit at a nearby table. (Not someone he'd recognise). Then if it goes badly you have support immediately on leaving. That's what I'd do. It might not be feasible. I guess I would just feel.a bit less like I was walking into the lions den, knowing a friend was there, even if they were not sitting in on it. They could be aware that if you put a woolly hat back on, it means it's all gone downhill and you're going to pay.
Low expectations - and silent support. Good luck.

V good advice - my lovely husband is off work tomorrow so he’s coming and just going to walk the dog in the nearby park so he’s near if I need him 😌

OP posts:
Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:51

mamabear715 · 27/11/2022 20:37

Just sending hugs, @AlbertaAnnie - I hope all goes well, & if it doesn't, at least you tried.

Thank you! That’s how I have decided to look at it too 🙂

OP posts:
Crucible · 27/11/2022 20:54

He sounds like a good man. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow across t'interwebby waves.

Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:54

MayThe4th · 27/11/2022 20:39

What was your relationship like before he went NC?

Complicated - he was very strict and aggressive in my childhood but I knew he loved me - after he had his affair and left it was strained for a while then I moved away with my mother for 10 years so didn’t see him often ( but still had regular contact on the phone and visits every year) when I moved back things were good as long as I was accepting of his wife and new family but when that turned sour he cut me off ( and my son who was newborn)

OP posts:
Childcare101 · 27/11/2022 20:55

What does your mum think of u meeting him ?

Original poster
AlbertaAnnie · 27/11/2022 20:56

Childcare101 · 27/11/2022 20:55

What does your mum think of u meeting him ?

She thinks he’s a waste of space but will support me in whatever I decide. I think she mostly doesn’t want me to be hurt

OP posts:
dkedm15 · 27/11/2022 20:57

Very similar happened to us but it was my grandad who'd had the affair, left my grandma for the OW and then went NC with all of us because of her. We eventually heard from him ~9.5 years later to tell us he was terminal. He was still with OW which made things a bit difficult but we had 4 months with him before he passed and I'm really glad we got that. Make sure you take everything at your pace and what you're comfortable with - it was a really brave thing you did reaching out. Hope it all works out for you x

Callistamon62 · 27/11/2022 21:03

Hope you get what you need from your meeting. Just a thought, are you sure he is not bringing the new wife?

trying29 · 27/11/2022 21:03

Wishing you lots of luck. I’ve been nc with my dad for a similar period of time. I also have small children who don’t know their grandfather. We tried to establish contact after 5yrs of no contact but he showed no interest in keeping it up, so have been nc since.I hope you are more successful tomorrow. I can imagine how conflicted you feel, it’s a really really hard situation. I don’t know if it ever gets easier

Hobbesmanc · 27/11/2022 21:22

Mine abandoned us when I was a toddler. I've met him a couple of times but there's absolutely no connection there. He went on to have several more kids in a second family.

I genuinely have no feelings about him. I doubt I'll,ever see him again