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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to mother in law

75 replies

Waveafterwave14 · 27/11/2022 15:50

AIBU to have put boundaries in place and say no more?

Background... since July everytime mother in law rents out her caravan or wants to stay in the county she has stayed on our sofa.
We currently live in a small 2 bed house with 2 children (youngest is 2). I was happy to help but as time has gone on I feel like I'm being taken for a mug. The stays would last 10 days to 2 weeks at a time each month. After the last stay I told my partner no more as I couldn't cope and it was causing strain on our relationship. Not only would the house be a mess from dog hair and her things left all there place (including chewing gum left chewed and out on the table/side/ dog food cans open and left by my broadband and telephone unit in the hall/tabacco/vapes left out that my 2 year old got hold of) I was cleaning up after another person and a dog and cooking etc and had no privacy or able to have time with my partner and I said I couldn't cope with it anymore. She had another son and daughter she could stay with. Not only the staying but my loft is full of boxes from her house move and my garden has old mattresses and furniture of hers to ho to the dump.
She has been house sitting at her other daughters whilst they have been abroad and left the dog with her. She phoned me this morning as they are returning making out she won't have a place to stay the night and she is too tired from hoovering to make the 3 hour trip back to her caravan. I handed the phone to my partner as I was about to shower and thought he may communicate that it wasn't appropriate. But he didn't.
Fast forward to this afternoon and my partner and I had a busy up over it. I explained we should be on the same page and it shouldn't be left to me to tell his mum she can't stay here all the time and with no notice. He told me I was a selfish and nasty person if I see her go out on the street!
Which I think is an awful thing to say. I'm merely putting boundaries in place?
I am guessing my partner spoke to his mum and told her I did not want her to stay as she text me this.

Darling why didn't you just say ,it too much to have you here right now . I would of understood xx and not taken offence xxx

I replied with this

(Names removed) and I had a talk a while back when things were strained. Which I thought we was in agreement with. We have two young children and already crowded and hair from solly takes weeks to get rid of. (Name removed) has called me a selfish and nasty person for having boundaries now which I feel is unfair. I don't think it right for (names removed) to kick you out in the first place x

It was made out to me on the phone this morning that her daughter returning from holiday didn't want her staying another night so she wanted to stay at mine.

She then text again
OK

Xx why not say that to me xx (names removed) where not kicking me out . Thought maybe we would enjoy a nite all together and it was only if after leaving theirs and coming to you ,that I may just feel too exhausted and it getting dark extra xxx no worries . Now I know not to ask in future that's fine XX Glad it's out in the open

I haven't replied and partner and I not spoken since and have gone out with a child each and done our own thing.

Have I made any sense? Am I being horrible for no good reason?

OP posts:

Ilikewinter · 27/11/2022 16:07

I dont blame you OP, but you know that your MIL will forever blame you for this dont you! ..... obviously shes not going to ever blame her darling son.

LadyMarmaladeAtkins · 27/11/2022 16:16

You need to nip this in the bud pronto, it is foul behaviour on her part. Vapes, dog, dog hair, sharp cans, around your very small children? No way.

She would have stayed with me just once, if I hadn't known her habits in advance. I mean this... I have a family member who is much less bad than this but still has some questionable hygiene habits in ways that didn't work for me and my two little kids, so I nixed their visits and it has stayed that way. We meet at other places.

Your MIL needs to sort out her living arrangements properly going forward, especially with a dog in tow.

Climbie · 27/11/2022 16:24

I think you shouldn't have replied to the first text. No good can come of long texts about feelings, it's not the right medium and can really fuel arguments.

Re the staying in general, YANBU but I think I might have relented on this one very specific occasion when she is having to move out unexpectedly.

sueelleker · 27/11/2022 16:28

Why can't she find a hotel or B&B?

saraclara · 27/11/2022 17:15

I think you shouldn't have replied to the first text. No good can come of long texts about feelings, it's not the right medium and can really fuel arguments.

That. I found your text quite jarring, and it's a conversation that should have been had in person, or if not, at least by talking on the phone. Texting is the worst possible way to communicate anything difficult. Without facial expression and tone of voice, it has the potential to go REALLY badly wrong.

But yes, your DH let you down badly.

cookiesbeforepookies · 27/11/2022 17:19

Yanbu, it’s better out in the open.

Your MIL is being disingenuous that she just wanted a night with you all together when it’s clear that she treats your home like a hotel, given the mess she leaves behind.

I’d be interested to know how she left her daughter’s home after house sitting in it and whether she left a mess or not. I’m guessing not.

LuvMyBoyz · 27/11/2022 17:50

Result! You’ve set your boundaries and she’s accepted them. What a nightmare it was for you to have her stay.

Cherrysoup · 27/11/2022 19:09

Do you think this will stop her forever staying? If so, job done. I bet it’s you clearing up after her, not your dp!

Yesthatismychildsigh · 27/11/2022 19:13

Filthy woman! She wouldn’t even be entering my house after that.

Doowop1919 · 27/11/2022 21:40

Yanbu to say no to the long stays, they sound a nightmare. And your DH has been a prick in all this.
But Yabu to have sent a text, I would've just called and spoken about it that way.

CloudSunLeavesCoud · 27/11/2022 21:49

sounds Like your DH has blamed this on you ‘waveafterwave doesn’t want you to stay’ rather than being on your side ‘mum your staying too often and for too long, me and waveafterwave are finding it too much. Please don’t ask to stay again for a few months and then less frequent and shorter visits please’ - Do you see the difference? One makes you an unreasonable baddie, the other makes your request reasonable and fair’ Your DH needs to do much better

Original poster

Waveafterwave14 · 27/11/2022 23:32

Anyone awake to help me feel better than I do now?
All has blown up this evening. Partner told me I should seek counselling and take antidepressants because I am selfish and a nasty person for not letting his mum stay tonight. I said I did not need help for putting boundaries in place and that it is not normal for his mum to be sleeping on our sofa every month and infringing on our relationship so much. He said I was mentally unstable for not wanting to help her out. I said that I have always wanted to help but it is now taking the piss and not appropriate. I said that he should have spoke on behalf of us both and told his mum but he just told her I didn't want her here. He's said that I am nothing without him that he is leaving and I will come running back to him. He's said some truly awful things like I have never known what a real family is like because I've never had one etc. I just feel really really low from this and need a pick me up. It's not the first time we have had arguments due to his mum. Just sat here crying in bed :(

OP posts:

paintitallover · 28/11/2022 00:00

Tell him, ok then. I'm off to bed.,

cookiesbeforepookies · 28/11/2022 00:06

I’m awake, OP.

Sorry it has blown up, but you must see that you have done nothing wrong.

It sounds like you did the cleaning up after his mum, is that right?

So he gets to play the good son whilst you run around cleaning the mess, cooking meals?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/11/2022 00:06

He’s an absolute bastard. Stop crying, get some sleep and tomorrow phone a lawyer about filing for divorce. He’s disgusting and if you’re not depressed yet you will be if you stay with him and his torrent of verbal abuse. You can’t live like this and he’s always been the problem, though his mum is a mess too.

Sleep, wake up, write a list of what you need to do and keep posting for support if it’s helpful.

Sending 💐💐💐

NippyNippy · 28/11/2022 00:10

Sweetie you need to put plans in place to leave him ASAP. This is emotional abuse and will get worse over the years. You're NOT mentally unstable for not wanting his mother there all the time, don't let him gaslight you. Your mental health will suffer if you stay though I can promise you that (bitter experience)

Please start to work out how you can leave, don't wait until your DC think his behaviour is normal and how a relationship is supposed to be. Make a better life for the 3 of you.

NippyNippy · 28/11/2022 00:11

His suggestion of a counsellor is not a bad one though, just not for the purposes he is claiming.

Original poster

Waveafterwave14 · 28/11/2022 00:15

cookiesbeforepookies · 28/11/2022 00:06

I’m awake, OP.

Sorry it has blown up, but you must see that you have done nothing wrong.

It sounds like you did the cleaning up after his mum, is that right?

So he gets to play the good son whilst you run around cleaning the mess, cooking meals?

I have been made to feel like I have done something wrong. I feel like putting boundaries in place is good thing but I'm told I am selfish and nasty for it. I've just blurted out to a friend everything that's gone on recently and that I'm not even allowed to do a food shop and it's being controlled. I don't know what to do as his mum saying I have demons in me! He's telling me I am mentally unstable everytime I say something is not right or normal. That when I discuss things I am making a big issue over nothing and need to stop being so serious and sensitive all the time. I'm feeling really low from realising what's been going on right in front of me all this time and scared of what's to come

OP posts:

RobertaFirmino · 28/11/2022 00:17

What a nasty, evil, gaslighting little arsehole. Honestly, he sounds like a grade A cunt. Please seriously consider leaving him, these types of people NEVER change. There is plenty of help if you want to leave - especially here on MN. Yes, this place can be a viper's nest at times but never fails to support a woman who wants out.

RobertaFirmino · 28/11/2022 00:20

I was typing as you updated so did not read - you must go. Are you able to make a private phone call tomorrow or send an email? If so, you must contact Womens Aid as soon as you can.

realsavagelike · 28/11/2022 00:24

@NippyNippy has a good point. Seeing a counsellor gave me the strength I needed to leave my abuser/father of my 3 kids, and I haven't regretted it for a second.

KateBalesCardi · 28/11/2022 00:26

You need to stop listening to him at this point OP, and certainly don't engage anymore. Look up the 'grey rock' technique and use it until you can get away from him. You've done absolutely nothing wrong by setting a boundary except that you haven't done what they (your DP and his DM) wanted and so they're kicking off in the hope it will be enough to scare you into submission.

Don't be afraid of what's to come, whatever happens next will be the first step to being free from people who don't think you deserve to have boundaries, and that can only be a good thing.

Original poster

Waveafterwave14 · 28/11/2022 00:28

I'm really scared of what's to come. How I'm meant to pay all the bills on my own. My car was sold and the new car is in his name. We are not married ( got engaged last month)
The house we rent the tenancy is in my name only. Can he just turn up at the house and demand to have our 2 year old? I already feel on edge coming home and being around him when he's in a mood so I don't want to feel on edge everytime there's a knock at the door. I just don't know how to pick myself up from feeling so low and being told how I won't cope without him. I was on antidepressants after the birth of our daughter as was diagnosed with postpartum depression but then I had a c section and he left me to it and went back to work 4 days later. 2 months later I found he was texting another woman and been lying going to meet her so I'm not surprised I was diagnosed with postpartum depression when I had no support from him. He uses that against me all the time even though I am no longer taking antidepressants or feel the need for them. Him putting me down all the time is when I feel low.

OP posts:

Original poster

Waveafterwave14 · 28/11/2022 00:31

realsavagelike · 28/11/2022 00:24

@NippyNippy has a good point. Seeing a counsellor gave me the strength I needed to leave my abuser/father of my 3 kids, and I haven't regretted it for a second.

I am here in the Uk and can't afford a counsellor. I don't know where to go or who to talk to for help. I'm so scared of how nasty he will get because I won't agree with him anymore

OP posts:

KateBalesCardi · 28/11/2022 00:37

Women's Aid and Rights of Women will be able to advise, support and help you figure out what to do next. Their lines will be busy but keep trying, will you have opportunities to make calls tomorrow?

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