To say no to mother in law

[Waveafterwave14]

AIBU to have put boundaries in place and say no more?

Background... since July everytime mother in law rents out her caravan or wants to stay in the county she has stayed on our sofa.
We currently live in a small 2 bed house with 2 children (youngest is 2). I was happy to help but as time has gone on I feel like I'm being taken for a mug. The stays would last 10 days to 2 weeks at a time each month. After the last stay I told my partner no more as I couldn't cope and it was causing strain on our relationship. Not only would the house be a mess from dog hair and her things left all there place (including chewing gum left chewed and out on the table/side/ dog food cans open and left by my broadband and telephone unit in the hall/tabacco/vapes left out that my 2 year old got hold of) I was cleaning up after another person and a dog and cooking etc and had no privacy or able to have time with my partner and I said I couldn't cope with it anymore. She had another son and daughter she could stay with. Not only the staying but my loft is full of boxes from her house move and my garden has old mattresses and furniture of hers to ho to the dump.
She has been house sitting at her other daughters whilst they have been abroad and left the dog with her. She phoned me this morning as they are returning making out she won't have a place to stay the night and she is too tired from hoovering to make the 3 hour trip back to her caravan. I handed the phone to my partner as I was about to shower and thought he may communicate that it wasn't appropriate. But he didn't.
Fast forward to this afternoon and my partner and I had a busy up over it. I explained we should be on the same page and it shouldn't be left to me to tell his mum she can't stay here all the time and with no notice. He told me I was a selfish and nasty person if I see her go out on the street!
Which I think is an awful thing to say. I'm merely putting boundaries in place?
I am guessing my partner spoke to his mum and told her I did not want her to stay as she text me this.

Darling why didn't you just say ,it too much to have you here right now . I would of understood xx and not taken offence xxx

I replied with this

(Names removed) and I had a talk a while back when things were strained. Which I thought we was in agreement with. We have two young children and already crowded and hair from solly takes weeks to get rid of. (Name removed) has called me a selfish and nasty person for having boundaries now which I feel is unfair. I don't think it right for (names removed) to kick you out in the first place x

It was made out to me on the phone this morning that her daughter returning from holiday didn't want her staying another night so she wanted to stay at mine.

She then text again
OK

Xx why not say that to me xx (names removed) where not kicking me out . Thought maybe we would enjoy a nite all together and it was only if after leaving theirs and coming to you ,that I may just feel too exhausted and it getting dark extra xxx no worries . Now I know not to ask in future that's fine XX Glad it's out in the open

I haven't replied and partner and I not spoken since and have gone out with a child each and done our own thing.

Have I made any sense? Am I being horrible for no good reason?

Agree with this. This would also put you on record if anything escalated.

Good to hear you've already spoken with Women's Aid and your GP OP. Rights for Women and Citizen's Advice are also good sources of information.

If your partner is not on the tenancy then you are within your rights to insist he leaves. If you think he'll be difficult then contact the police and ask that they assist with removing him from your home.

You can give his mother notice that you want her boxes removed by a certain date. Maybe give her a couple of weeks to arrange alternative storage. Give them the deadline in writing and let them know you'll contact a house clearance company if the stuff is not removed.

You can request a reduced Council Tax payment if you're a lone adult in the property. Also get on to Entitledto.co.uk to find out what other benefits you can get. Make sure you claim child maintenance from him asap.

Hand holding for the difficult next few days

UPDATE.

I saw a mental health practitioner Tuesday morning and basically just cried the whole time whilst trying to explain what's gone on. Didn't realise just how bad it was and even remembered things I had forgotten about a year or so ago. She put a referral in to Safer futures/first light and said about a refuge but I don't want to lose my home so said no.
I am seeing her again next week. I still haven't heard back from womens aid.
He has not left like he said he would. He text me as I was on way to doctors Tuesday morning saying he is staying to help with the kids and until I learn to calm down and get help to love him again and we start over as he has done everything to make me happy and now it is my turn to change.
This is how it's gone the last few days... he will dress the youngest and make eldest pack lunch and drop youngest to nursery and go to work. I have hid in bedroom until he leaves. He comes home from work and I cook dinner/clean up whilst he sits on phone watching the football drinking rum and coke. I then try to be normal around the kids in the living room until it's 7:30 and time to put them to bed and then I go to my bedroom and stay there until the next day. There is zero contact. No kisses/cuddles or how was your day. Which I have recognised now that this has happened before kinda like I am being punished?
This morning he shouted up "see you later (name)"
I phoned up citizens advice about where I stand with regards to child arrangements for my 2 year old and he said unfortunately I have to let him see her whenever he wants or I will be seen as being obstructive. I asked if that meant he can come round every evening and demand to see her and he said if he is being abusive then things can only be done in a reactive format. As in nothing can be done to prevent only after something has happened. I just feel like I won't be able to cope feeling on edge at the door knocking and wondering if it's him.
I know you will all say just kick him out and be done with it but I am afraid of how bad things will get when I do that. I don't feel mentally prepared for what might come as haven't heard back from anyone yet.

I am so sorry to hear of all the hideousness that he is putting you through.

Well done for speaking out.

You know though, this can't continue like this forever.

The CAB statement about letting him see your DD whenever he wants, doesn't sound quite right though, I would certainly check this again - I am sure other posters have more knowledge of this.

Stay strong. You and your DD deserve a safe, secure, loving home. Since your partner cannot provide that, and is actively a danger to you (with your mental health as an absolute minimum) then he need to GO.

I agree that statement saying he can see whenever doesn’t sound right at all. You both or the courts work out a custody arrangement and he can see then but can’t come around all the time.

You are doing a great job , he’s waiting for you to fold and things go back to his normal so well done on setting boundaries

Keep looking into how to get out, you have this 💕💕

OP, you need to keep ringing Women's aid.

You need their advice on this.

I have requested my post above is deleted as I can see things have moved on from the initial issue I commented on.

@Teeturtle if you read the whole thing he’s a pretty abusive man so I suspect there’s much more to it, I wouldn’t be telling the op oooh you’ve got your tone wrong while she’s coping with a partner who left her to look after her newborn so she had pnd tells her she’s nothing without him sold her car etc etc.

Who have you told among family and friends? You need real life support if you can face talking to them.

UPDATE.

So the zero contact and no affection and not even looking at me in the eye has come to an end.
Thursday he came up to the bedroom to talk to me (basically him talk and I listen). Said about me needing to change and stop being so emotional etc and I shouldn't blow up and cause arguments. I said when I am explaining how I feel I am not trying to cause an argument. I felt unheard on Sunday and you laughed at me. He said that was because it didn't matter to him and he was done with it.
He said he thought we could still be a family and move forward once I sorted myself out.
(I found out that on Tuesday he had been in touch with our mortgage broker asking if he could buy the house on his own and was told on Thursday he couldn't) - isn't that deceitful? To go behind my back and then when he realises he can't he now wants to continue and buy house with me?
Saturday he had football and then went to a casino night without me. I asked him to book a taxi so he would make it home. Come 12:30am when the pub had shut and I was up with little one anyway I phoned him and he was in his van doing lines of coke with a mate. I said to him have you forgotten your taxi and he said he was having too much fun. I asked if his mate had a family waiting for him at home and he said no. He got a taxi home and slept on the sofa. Next morning he came up to bedroom and said he was sleeping in bed (I was still in it and said no I would take care of the kids upstairs and he remained downstairs. He was absolutely stinking of alcohol.
I told him how let down and hurt I felt about his actions and he said he was sorry but in the end he did make it home.
Yesterday he told me he loves me and sees us working through this and wants to send the paperwork off to the solicitor to buy the house together. He slept in my bed last night and tried it on in which I said I felt too poorly with my tummy as it made me feel sick. I have appointment with mental health practitioner this morning again and still haven't heard from womens aid or first light.
I would be absolutely stupid to buy this house with him right? I would also be absolutely stupid to give up our current home with a lifetime tenancy where my girls would be protected and safe with a roof over their head?

You would be very very stupid indeed.

You have a secure tenant in your name only. You would be a huge fool to give that up.

He's using and manipulating you.

If you feel safe to do so you need to tell him you are not moving and not buying a house with him and you are ending the relationship.

Tenancy

Kindly meant OP, but you have had children with a nasty abusive druggy.

You would truly want to be out of your mind to buy a house with this absolute loser.

He would and WILL ditch you and your children at the first opportunity.

He would be gone now if he could, but he can't buy the house without you.

You owe it to your children to hold on so tightly to this tenancy and get this druggy out of YOUR home.

He doesn't care and he is calculated and manipulating you to buy this house.

Once you have served your use to him he will throw you and your children aside.

Get him out.

Ring 101 and tell them you want this druggy out of YOUR home.

Your children desperately need one good strong parent.

That is you.

You can do this.

Can you take in a lodger to earn extra income?

This tenancy is the ONLY security your children have with a loser for a father.

Particularly in this economic climate.

Hang on to it.

Should he become more abusive, ring the police.

I would expect him to get very nasty when he realises you will not be used.

Your relationship is over.

Get him out now.

Please do not buy the house with him. Do not give up your secure tenancy, this would be madness. Do not under any circumstances add him onto your tenancy. Get help to get him out.

I think you need to get your locks changed and tell him that the relationship is over, in that order. Notify him by email or text message so that there is a record of what you have said.

He text me as I was on way to doctors Tuesday morning saying he is staying to help with the kids and until I learn to calm down and get help to love him again.

These are some of the most chilling words I think I've ever read on Mumsnet. Adopting professionals to gaslight you into internalizing his abusive behaviour, to take all blame upon yourself, and to swallow and deny your own warning signals and change them into feelings of warmth for him (at the same time trying to insinuate himself into ownership of the property) is one of the most breathtaking acts of cynicism I think I've ever encountered. And I've encountered a lot of them in my time.

Actually, this isn't gaslighting, it's out-and-out brainwashing. Whatever you do, please don't fall for it.

Keep posting, OP. This site is kind to people who are in predicaments such as yours. Posters here will support and help you.

Please if you haven't done so, tell your landlord what is going on here. If you have a secure tenancy in your name, you don't allow him to coerce you into giving it up, or adding him to the tenancy or buying it or doing anything else to your detriment. I have dealt with tenants in your situation and you need to ask for help from the people who manage the property. They can offer support, get you to agencies that can help you and even move you if necessary. They need to know exactly what is happening, I know it's hard but please, please make contact. You don't have to be alone and scared, there is help if you ask.

Partner told me I should seek counselling and take antidepressants because I am selfish and a nasty person for not letting his mum stay tonight

He is trying to gaslight you & rewrite the truth.

I don't think it's appropriate to have his Mum stay with a dog using sofa as a bed when you have two small children in a 2-bed house. You need the living room when they first get up & also during the day.

However reading your updates I think there are other problems with him. Going out to casinos, drugs, drinking. I assume you're not loaded? Surely the money would be needed as house deposit?

You would probably be better on your own.

I couldn’t read and run. You’re in an abusive relationship, anything he says is not worth listening to, just grin and nod and make a plan to leave him safely. I know it’s hard to see things clearly when you’re in the situation you’re in, been there done that, for the sake of your own sanity you need to leave. Please be safe and be kind to yourself, trust yourself, you know it’s not right.

I’m not in the UK so can’t offer advice around services, there are some amazing women on here that will steer you in the right direction.

Thankyou for all your kinds words and support. You have no idea how much I need it right now.
I saw the mental health practitioner this morning and she followed up with womens aid. She told me to be careful as now I have realised what is going on and challenging his behaviour things could get more risky. (I asked him this morning why he takes his phone with him to the bathroom and the kitchen and leaves it in his pocket all evening as it seems shady. He said it's really sad that he has to lie/hide stuff from me because I cause arguments and he can't be dealing with it.) I told mental health lady everything that's happened this past week and she said he knows what he is doing which I found really upsetting. Crying as I type this... I for the the life of me can't understand how someone who is meant to love you do such damaging things and continue to say they have done nothing wrong. It really hurts and I know I have to accept this.
Womens aid phoned me and will phone on Monday about what support they think is best as they are short staffed atm. Just really need some support in place like counselling etc so I feel strong enough of what's to come after I get him to leave. Feel in limbo with all this waiting. I am dreading Xmas and I've been unable to keep food and drink down cause my anxiety is so bad. I can't sleep and exhausted from it all.

Well done you! If you are feeling low or just want to vent then please do so. There are lots of us here to listen, offer support and give advice. You really are worth so much more than what this man is offering you. You can be happy without him and will be.

How are you?
I can only imagine how hard this is.

Your question in your first post was do you make sense?

You make 100% sense.
You have a good strong head on you and you clearly have your childrens best interests at heart like all great mothers.

Their father is a bad man that nasty and abusive and cares only for himself.

Buying a house with him will put you and your children 100% at his mercy.

You have power now.
Hang on tight.

He is trying to make you doubt yourself with his bullshit.

Pay no attention to his lies.

He wants this house for the power over you that will give him.

You are so brave to reach out.

Getting him out of YOUR HOME is the priority.

The police can help you.
Ask Women's aid for help.
Be honest.
He is deliberately messing with your mental health to abuse you.

Your girls need YOU well, and you need HIM out of your home.

Tell them he is a druggy and you want him out.

Do not protect him.

Please ring 101 for advice and to flag your address so that should you ring you get a quick reply.

Keep posting when you want.
I am thinking of you and willing you strength.

I know you can do this.

@Waveafterwave14 your post has just come up on my list... I hope things are OK with you...

He said he was leaving???? So why is he yelling at you at 8am in the morning in your own house?????What a bastard!