To say no to mother in law

[Waveafterwave14]

AIBU to have put boundaries in place and say no more?

Background... since July everytime mother in law rents out her caravan or wants to stay in the county she has stayed on our sofa.
We currently live in a small 2 bed house with 2 children (youngest is 2). I was happy to help but as time has gone on I feel like I'm being taken for a mug. The stays would last 10 days to 2 weeks at a time each month. After the last stay I told my partner no more as I couldn't cope and it was causing strain on our relationship. Not only would the house be a mess from dog hair and her things left all there place (including chewing gum left chewed and out on the table/side/ dog food cans open and left by my broadband and telephone unit in the hall/tabacco/vapes left out that my 2 year old got hold of) I was cleaning up after another person and a dog and cooking etc and had no privacy or able to have time with my partner and I said I couldn't cope with it anymore. She had another son and daughter she could stay with. Not only the staying but my loft is full of boxes from her house move and my garden has old mattresses and furniture of hers to ho to the dump.
She has been house sitting at her other daughters whilst they have been abroad and left the dog with her. She phoned me this morning as they are returning making out she won't have a place to stay the night and she is too tired from hoovering to make the 3 hour trip back to her caravan. I handed the phone to my partner as I was about to shower and thought he may communicate that it wasn't appropriate. But he didn't.
Fast forward to this afternoon and my partner and I had a busy up over it. I explained we should be on the same page and it shouldn't be left to me to tell his mum she can't stay here all the time and with no notice. He told me I was a selfish and nasty person if I see her go out on the street!
Which I think is an awful thing to say. I'm merely putting boundaries in place?
I am guessing my partner spoke to his mum and told her I did not want her to stay as she text me this.

Darling why didn't you just say ,it too much to have you here right now . I would of understood xx and not taken offence xxx

I replied with this

(Names removed) and I had a talk a while back when things were strained. Which I thought we was in agreement with. We have two young children and already crowded and hair from solly takes weeks to get rid of. (Name removed) has called me a selfish and nasty person for having boundaries now which I feel is unfair. I don't think it right for (names removed) to kick you out in the first place x

It was made out to me on the phone this morning that her daughter returning from holiday didn't want her staying another night so she wanted to stay at mine.

She then text again
OK

Xx why not say that to me xx (names removed) where not kicking me out . Thought maybe we would enjoy a nite all together and it was only if after leaving theirs and coming to you ,that I may just feel too exhausted and it getting dark extra xxx no worries . Now I know not to ask in future that's fine XX Glad it's out in the open

I haven't replied and partner and I not spoken since and have gone out with a child each and done our own thing.

Have I made any sense? Am I being horrible for no good reason?

Supportive hugs to you OP. Your updates have shown that this isn't just about him not standing up for you in front of his mother, but that he's been gaslighting you, controlling you (emotionally and financially) and cheating on you way before the situation with his mother occurred.

You might be afraid of what's to come, but that fear should be about what's to come if you stay with him - not if you leave.

Think about how your mental health has suffered because of him and how much worse it can get (especially with his comments that you are mentally unstable and his mother saying you have demons inside you). And what are you children learning about relationships if they're seeing all this?

As others have said on here, please contact Women's Aid and make plans to leave. No matter how scary the future might seem on your own, it'll be much worse if you stay with him.

This is absolutely not your fault, he is abusing you.

Please seek help from your gp and womens aid. Just tell both the truth, you won’t be judged and you will be helped. No, he can’t just come and demand your children, he needs to make a reasonable plan and/or go to court and get it agreed. I bet he won’t.

Good luck OP, you can do this. 💐💐💐

Just been woken up by him opening the bedroom door and shouting at me to get up. My alarm hadn't gone off and baby monitor all quiet. I literally feel sick to my stomach with nerves. He has gone to work so I am calling womens aid for some advice. Why would I need to call my gp? I am not ill so wouldn't I be wasting an appointment?
Slept maybe a few hours as couldn't switch off and feeling pretty rough.

You are not selfish or nasty or mentally unstable. He is a dreadful bully. Get some advice from Women’s aid please.

OP, your GP can refer you for free counselling. The wait list is long so if you get on the list now that service will become available to you. It's so valuable and needed given all you are going through. Your mental health is as important as your physical health x

If baby is sleeping, then you sleep too. He is wrong for waking you up.

Great that you’re calling Women’s Aid.

It’s good that the tenancy is in your name. get online and work out what benefits / help with rent you are entitled to.

Can someone be there with you when you tell
him to leave?

Change the locks and, no, he can’t show up to your property and demand to see baby. You can get a non-molestation order which means he can’t come within 100 metres of you. He can arrange access to baby via the courts.

Tenancy in your name - get the locks changed ASAP. Pack his things and message him (after locks changed) and say the bags will be outside at Xpm (whatever time he would get back from work).

Have someone come sit with you while he collects.

Tomorrow, start claiming benefits to help you as a lone parent with bills.

Speak to Womens Aid and have a look at Freedom Programme.

She's rewriting history to make you feel guilty, her interpretation is not what happened. Stick to your guns!

This with bells on.

Call his bluff and chuck him out. You're better off without this POS in your life.

Sorry I just read the updates. Absolutely kick him out darling, get the locks changed and have a friend with you when he comes over to get it. He'll likely kick up a fuss, don't answer the door and call the police if you're worried. Is there anyone who could take the kids for a few hours so they're not there? Xx

Now this would drive me up the wall.

I thought your reply was rude and unnecessary.

Her response to your initial text was nice and that was complete. You should have replied. Thanks for understanding

Blimey! He and his Mum sound horrible!

Please please call Womens aid.

You are in and have been for a long time, a highly abusive controlling relationship.

You need to tell Womens aid about the waking you up and screaming at you, the not being allowed to shop for food, repeatedly calling you mentally unstable.

Please write everything down that he has been doing to you.

This is a very bad man and you really need support.

Keep posting.

I have phone my gp surgery and have a doctor phoning later. I was told to make contact with womens aid and have tried phoning but they don't open until 10am. I get what you mean writing things down but I feel I will just make myself feel worse seeing it all in front of me and knowing it's not normal.
If I was to ask him to leave and he does. What do I do about all his mums boxes in the loft? It is absolutely stacked up there. I will be used for storage like I have been. Do I have to keep it here until they have somewhere to put it? What do I do about it?

It sounds like your MIL has understood you can't cope with her staying there and understands... So I'm not sure why you have a problem. All sorted.
Unless I have missed a ranting text from her in your OP.

Ignore my pp! I just read the updates. The MIL is not your problem.

Phone women's aid at 10, change locks, ask friends /relatives to come to yours and tell your now ex to leave. Get an injunction so that he can't come to your home. Ask about benefits so you can live independently. Tell ex that his mother takes her junk within 7 days. There is lots of support for you, grab it with both hands and don't look back. You are being abused, it will carry on until you stop it.

OP I have just read most of this thread. It sounds like you are already in the process of taking some action which is good. What a horrible, despicable human being your OH is! Definitely get out of that ASAP you are not mentally unstable you just need a partner who fully supports you and looks after you so please do not listen to anything the POS tells you. Iv had a couple of friends in your situation dealing with verbal and some physical abuse, one had to flee to a women's shelter with her two children to get away as her OH started aiming the abuse and one of the children which was her breaking point to leave! In the long term you will be so much happier and at peace and so will your little girl. I hope you get everything sorted 🙏

I'm horrified by this post.

It isn't MiL who is the problem here. It's your DH. You've dared to set a few boundaries and he's resorted to the worst form of gaslighting: you're not playing ball according to his rules so by definition you have mental health issues. This is emotional abuse of the worst kind. It's calculated to fuck with your head, and if done over a long period it's incredibly damaging, striking at the very heart of the surrounding reality, and makes you feel you are nuts. Horrible.

Your MiL's text messages are also very manipulative so it seems pretty obvious where he's learned it from. This man is neck deep in the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, to the extent that he's rather turn on you than dare say no to his awful, exploitative, disingenuous mother.

You must be feeling dreadful right now. I don't for one minute believe he'll follow though on his threat to leave you - it seems fairly typical of the pattern described above - but if he does, he'll be doing you and your DC the greatest turn possible. Dealing with a gaslighter for any duration is a terrible way to live. If he wants to leave I'd take him at his word.

These are horrible revelations, you must be reeling. It will take time for you to digest the implications of his behaviour: give yourself that if possible, and try to take some time out to breathe. I really feel for you: what a horrible situation and real let-down he's turned out to be.

No, you don't have to keep it. You text them and tell them the boxes will be outside the house a date 2 weeks away (such as Sat 3 Dec) and they need to collect them or you will not take responsibility for their damage/theft.

You absolutely do not have to be used for storage.

Any aggression from this man should be met with calls to the police.

He is abusing you and desperately trying to grind you into the ground by abusing your mental health.

Tell the GP the truth.
Don't protect him.
Do it for your children.
By abusing you, he is abusing them.

Ask Women's aid for help.

Well done @Waveafterwave14 for starting to make moves. Stand your ground and don't be afraid to ask for help. What a nasty p o s. As they say "today is the first day of the rest of your life".

I have spoken to womens aid and someone else is meant to be phoning me. I also had a mental health practitioner from my gp surgery call and I am meeting with her tomorrow.
I'm going to be honest about everything because I know that if I was actually mentally unstable why would my partner leave the kids with me and go off to football every Saturday or to the pub etc. it was only last week when little one had wet the bed that he questions my competence of deciphering what had been wee'd on and if it really needed to be put through the wash! I don't know what to expect from womens aid or appointment at my gp surgery tomorrow but I'm just worried he will take little one and not bring her back or he will just turn up and demand to have her. I don't care if he ransacks the house and takes the car as in time I can replace those things i just don't even know how I'll get to work or pick the kids up from nursery etc. I haven't heard anything from him since he shouted me awake this morning. I fully expect him to pretend nothing happened when he gets home so he doesn't have to find somewhere to stay. I am really grateful for all of you posting and being supportive.

Well done for starting the process.

You need to spell out your fear of him.

His screaming you awake.

His abuse and criticism of your childminding while spending his weekends at football in the pub.

His selling of your car and buying one in his name to control you and your ability to work whilst controlling your money and ability to buy food.

This is coercive control and now a crime.

Tell them that you are afraid of him taking your child from you.

Spare the GP nothing not the MH support person.

Spell every awful bit of it out.

You cannot be helped if you don't tell every awful bit of it.

Tell Women's aid everything.

Leave nothing out.

You are not alone.
We are here for you.

You don't have to tell him about whom you have contacted.

Keep your business to yourself.

BUT please call the police at the hint of any nastiness and you can have him removed.

Hopefully when you tell the gp, Women's aid etc that the house is in your name they will advise you.

Also if you want tell him not to come home or you WILL call the police, that is your right too.

Would you call 101 for advice and tell them about his abuse, that the house is in your name and you are afraid of him?
Tell them about his control of money.

You do not have to accept this.