Trigger Warning. She doesn't want to involve police

[Worriedme55]

Trigger warning

Last night my 18yr old dd was in a drunken state and sobbing. She has been upset all week after a worrying incident that happened the weekend before.
She broke down and admitted she'd been raped. She was out clubbing last weekend and bumped into an old school friend. Then met this other random bloke too who is the same age as me. He said he was having an after party and my dd decided to go back to his with the school friend also. She was very very drunk at the time. She has undiagnosed adhd and takes silly risks and drinks too much which means she makes wrong decisions. We'd also had an argument beforehand so she was upset when going out which didn't help.
So the next morning she calls me from this blokes flat without him knowing. I listened to the call and he was being a bit aggressive in tone and didn't want my dd to leave. She went to the toilet and told me he was in the way of the door and she couldn't leave. She was so drunk she didn't know where she was so I couldn't tell police. I told her to call 999. She eventually managed to get the address and I went immediately to get her. She was still with the school friend too and they had got out after an argument. Dd called 999 after the bloke started shouting at her. On arrival my dd looked terrible. Make up smudged, filthy clothes and her jeans were on inside out. I got her straight in the car and took her home.
An hour later police turned up unannounced and asked if she'd been assaulted. She said no. Apparently he is a known offender. They made sure my dd was safe and well and that was it until last night.
She won't tell police again what happened as its too traumatising for her and she wants to move on and try and forget. How the hell do I help her get over it.

What a dreadful experience for her. He sounds dangerous on so many levels, what was his intent in not wanting them to leave the property.
The police are very highly trained in dealing with rape and it's hard to see any other way of dealing with it. Has she considered the risk of pregnancy or std's. A very similar incident happened to me when I was a few years younger than her daughter. I covered it up and moved on but decades later have considered going to the police. This sort of trauma doesn't go away.

First things first, std and pregnancy risks need dealing with

Is she open at all to external support like rape crisis? Speaking to a professionally trained police officer at an appointment she can mentally prepare for?
Does she want to get him stopped? More victims in future etc

I hope you can encourage her to report this dangerous man. Your poor daughter and her friend. 💐

Your poor daughter. I'm so sorry. It's a tough one considering how bad the conviction rates are for rape, she might go through all that for nothing. And the police don't exactly have a good reputation for dealing with rape victims. You have to follow her lead on this. So so sorry.

Let her be in control over whether to report or not.
Emergency contraception today, STD tests booked for a few weeks time.
Prioritise feeling safe and regulated - sleep, offer cosy meals, films, short walks somewhere she feels safe.
No judgement, open space to talk, affirmation that she did not cause this to happen and is not to blame.
Rape crisis or other similar charities offer counselling and are experts in the field.

Wishing her and you all the best x

OP, I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. Depending on when it happened your daughter may still be within the timescales to undergo a medical examination if she wants. Research your local SARC as they will be able to offer advice and potentially complete an examination to secure evidence without involving the Police until such a point that your daughter is ready to.

She needs to involved the police.

If the last girl he raped had done so, maybe he wouldn't have been able to offend again.

Why should he keep getting away with it?

She came on her period a few days ago so isn't pregnant at least. But yes needs sti tests.
She is of the feeling he won't get convicted. She was drunk etc. She absolutely would not have been able to consent due to that alone. But I don't think she's mentally capable of going through everything involved with reporting it.

It has to be her decision. And please stop blaming female victims for men raping.

Op I am very sorry that this has happened to your dd. Thank goodness she has told you.

A known offender with a history and her friend was there as a witness... he may plead guilty for a lesser sentence.

I would do everything possible to support her in reporting this. If the police turned up at your door then her friend must have made a report. They have a witness.

She needs to report this. He will be moving on to his next victim

He is a known offender. He obviously has been reported and sounds like found guilty.... but he is still out and able to offend because sentences for rape or assault are not very much at all.

She’s an adult, please don’t pressure her to report this. Focus on the practical - std test is most important. Other than that just being a listening ear is all you can do, as hard as it is. Maybe she will report later on, maybe she won’t. So just be there.

Maybe when she has calmed down somewhat you could have a conversation with her about how not reporting him will end up with him doing this to another girl just like her and reporting him will help to stop him from doing it ever again ?

No.
It is not her job to prioritise other women right now.
She needs to do what is right for her at this time.
Yes this bastard needs dealing with and hopefully with help and support she may choose to speak up but right now a horrific thing has happened to her and she needs help. Not lectures about how she needs to protect other women.

She is traumatised. She needs specialist support.

She needs to do whatever helps her get over this.

No point trying to pressurise her in any way.

She needs support - anything that helps her move on from this.

That's not true. It wont stop him from ever doing this again. Do not lie to rape victims in order to manipulate a report.

You know it wont stop him. Why suggest it?

It is also never ok to tell a rape victim that he have to report to protect another. That is not her responsibility. Putting that on her, saying that the next one will be her fault, is disgusting and very very wrong.

You report because it's the right thing to do for you; to see some justice. But since justice happens less than what, 2% of the time with rape reports then you're not even likely to get that.

She should report. Just so it is there on his police file. But it wont actually make any difference. She needs to know the truth.

This. Please don't go down the route of making his actions towards anyone else her responsibility. Just be there for her. I'm so sorry this has happened to her. Sending you all love.

there could be a good chance if having this man caught and convicted as you are also a witness as you heard her being kept captive against her will. There is evidence of the phone call to your phone. also the statement if the friend. The friends may have suffered an assault too. I hope youre ok- such a shock. it's good that your daughter told you, she must feel safe with you. Maybe she can use that strength and safety to talk to an officer at least.

No she does not. Stop blaming women for male violence.

She needs to do what is right for her right now.

She has already had control of her own body taken away from her once, please don’t pressurise her into reporting it if she doesn’t want to right now.

My daughter was raped 2 years ago, from my experience, support her with what she wants to do, listen to her and keep the lines of communication open. She got very angry at people not respecting her wishes and shut down

My DD didn’t want to talk about it for ages - we did the practical stuff (std, pregnancy tests) and we were just there with open arms and ears when she was ready.

I did speak to the police simply for some advice, as to be honest, not reporting it went against everything I believe in, but she was adamant she didn’t want to report. Police advised to let it go, be there when she needed us and let her make the decision in her own time.

My god. I cannot believe the amount of people encouraging this to remain unreported. Wow. Of course it's the DD's decision but the police approached her unannounced and asked her if it happened! I think if ever there was to be a conviction, this would be it. Also, OP were you not aware of those rape aftercare Centres where the victim can have the necessary DNA swabs taken & stored just in case they decide to convict in the future?

OP do not try to persuade her to report him.
Offer to support her if she chooses to do so.
I reported sexual assault (not rape) to the police and while the police were fine they didn’t seek to prosecute and the perpetrator and his solicitors take this as claiming that I was lying and that the police dismissed my claim.
that’s not true but it was horrendous going through it and I’m still going through it
The reality is, as few people will realise necessarily is that the defence would argue she’s unreliable or a liar because she first said no assault happened.
She needs mental health support, space, comfort and love and acceptance

I don't think anyone is encouraging not reporting. They're encouraging not trying to guilt her into reporting - do you honestly think that would be helpful? Reporting can be highly traumatic, it needs to be her choice to do that.

Rather than the police, perhaps you could make contact with any local charities which support victims of rape and sexual assault and abuse. They may be able to support her in a way which feels less pressuring - the police, IME are very focussed on 'crimeing up' stuff like this and so really want official complaints - a victim focussed charity is a better option while deciding what you want to do. She may decide never to report - she may change her mind - a specialist charity is more likely to be helpful in this regard.

Wow indeed.
Victim blaming at its finest.
Have a word with yourself FFS...