Trigger Warning. She doesn't want to involve police

[Worriedme55]

Trigger warning

Last night my 18yr old dd was in a drunken state and sobbing. She has been upset all week after a worrying incident that happened the weekend before.
She broke down and admitted she'd been raped. She was out clubbing last weekend and bumped into an old school friend. Then met this other random bloke too who is the same age as me. He said he was having an after party and my dd decided to go back to his with the school friend also. She was very very drunk at the time. She has undiagnosed adhd and takes silly risks and drinks too much which means she makes wrong decisions. We'd also had an argument beforehand so she was upset when going out which didn't help.
So the next morning she calls me from this blokes flat without him knowing. I listened to the call and he was being a bit aggressive in tone and didn't want my dd to leave. She went to the toilet and told me he was in the way of the door and she couldn't leave. She was so drunk she didn't know where she was so I couldn't tell police. I told her to call 999. She eventually managed to get the address and I went immediately to get her. She was still with the school friend too and they had got out after an argument. Dd called 999 after the bloke started shouting at her. On arrival my dd looked terrible. Make up smudged, filthy clothes and her jeans were on inside out. I got her straight in the car and took her home.
An hour later police turned up unannounced and asked if she'd been assaulted. She said no. Apparently he is a known offender. They made sure my dd was safe and well and that was it until last night.
She won't tell police again what happened as its too traumatising for her and she wants to move on and try and forget. How the hell do I help her get over it.

This…

i am so sorry this happened to your daughter 💐

@IWillBeWaxingAnOwl has the perfect approach. It is unhelpful to try to force her to report it, as everyone wants to handle these things differently. It may make a difference to how she processes it. I was once told this by a friend who worked in this area once.

Your daughter may be able to attend for a forensic medical at her local SARC as a self referral - she does not need to report to the police. Swabs are taken and stored at the SARC so that if she does decide to report the rape at a future date, there is evidence available.

She will also be offered support - morning after pill, an appointment for sexual health screening made and referral to an ISVA - independent sexual violence advocate - for help in processing what has happened with an objective outsider.

They may also be able to take bloods to show how much alcohol was in her system - which can help substantiate that she was not in a position to give consent.

This!!

Victims are treated horrendously when they report rapes, I hate it when people talk like it’s so bloody easy.

The police asked her the question for a reason. She needs to report it, if anything to protect anymore potential victims.

Maybe the last girl he raped did go to the police. Google conviction rates for rape it's not pretty reading.

No she doesn't need to report it. She may choose to.

Contacting the local SARC for the help and support they can provide is a good idea.

Oh Hunnie I know what your going through, my 22 Yr old daughter went through this between Xmas and New Year just gone. All you can do is be there and support her decision. Maybe she can have a word with a female Dr and try to get 1 to 1 counselling, this helped my dd ❤

It is not her responsibility to prevent this happening in the future. Women do not have any responsibility for other women getting raped. Men have a responsibility not to rape.

This is on a par with asking if she was wearing....

Absolutely nobody is 'encouraging' her not to report.
People are responding to victim blaming posts about how it will basically be partly her fault if he rapes again and she has a duty to protect other women at the expense of her own wellbeing. To further traumatise herself at her most vulnerable.

That is not acceptable and should be challenged.

The process is brutal. The examination feels like a further violation and you are talked to like you deserved it.

No woman should ever be guilt tripped into putting herself through that. It is her choice and she should never be shamed for doing what she can cope with.

Tbh if that is encouraging her to not report then I'm actually fine with that accusation being hurled at me when the alternative is to take a brutalised woman into a hostile environment and make her relive her trauma against her will.

As a rape victim myself, I did see it as my responsibility to protect others. If I hadn't reported mine and I found he'd done it again, I'd be beside myself knowing I could have possibly have prevented it.

You have your opinion I have mine.

As a rape victim myself I am actually appalled that my message was deleted.

Ultimately it is her choice to report or not but in this case there is also a need to consider whether letting this man get away with it when there is so much evidence against him will no lead to something even worse happening to the next victim.

if people have an issue with my views then so be it but censoring someone who has been through the same trauma was really a new low for this site.

No practical advice, but lots and lots of gentle hugs for your daughter, OP.

When you aren’t believed though it’s not helping anyone

I've spoken to dd again. She's definitely putting on a brave face but is adamant she's not reporting it. I respect her wishes obviously and have told her she can change her mind at anytime and I will support her always.

I wish your dd all the best, Op.

It is absolutely your DD’s choice whether to report or not. She has to protect herself and do what is right for her to heal. Rape victims have been so brutally cross examined in court they have died by suicide. How would the sanctimonious posters making this poor victim responsible for other women feel if they forced her to report and she was so abused by the process she couldn’t survive it?

I have experience of our ‘justice’ system - for a different crime - and based on that I would not encourage anyone vulnerable to put themselves through it. The chance of any justice is vanishingly small and the trauma experienced is huge.

Please still check for pregnancy. I bled throughout my pregnancy

Allow her some control of the situation.

as much as we want this rat scumbag off the streets and in a ditch, the important thing is that your DD is able to move on and live her life.

Don’t judge, instruct, guide. Be her mum. Her rock. Give advice if asked for, gently play devils advocate about any decision she makes, and support her.

@ChristmasisRuined I totally agree - DD should go to have DNA swabbed just in case she changes her mind. I personally think she will regret not having this man brought to justice. She's in terrible shock rn but once she has time to think about what has happened, she may feel differently.

worried

she should still go and get checked out, just for her safety

she won’t be made to report or anything like that

My friends rape trail is 3.5 years I the waiting. I would judge anyone for redirecting that 3.5 years into really good therapy and edrm. You cant have edrm before court. So if it takes 3.5 years to get to court?

Trials for rape victims are inherently unfair.

The defence will bring up anything and everything they can from the victim's past to discredit them. The prosecution are not allowed to do the same for the alleged perpetrator.

It's a traumatic experience for any victim, and it absolutely has to be their decision as to whether or not they report it.

Rape crisis centres are often oversubscribed, but get in touch with your local one. They can offer support and hopefully at some point, counselling, for your daughter - although there might be a wait.

It is HER choice and no one else's to report or not - this has happened to her, it is hers to deal with how she wants to and no one else's. Of course she 'should' report it, but it has to be her choice.