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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely SICK of being a mother?

55 replies

ChrisTrepidation · 27/11/2022 08:19

I mean I love them but I am just absolutely over being a mum right now.

I have four year old twins. Dad buggered off when they were 15 months old and now has nothing to do with us (save sending his maintenance every month, which barely touches the sides)

I'm fed up with the constant exhaustion, the never ending heart racing anxiety of trying to get everything organised, remember everything and keep them alive. I'm fed up with never having time to relax cos once they're in bed I've got the house to tidy/stuff to sort out. Then it's 10pm and I've got to go to bed myself. I'm fed up with the isolation of being a lone parent. I'm fed up with always having to consider them first, every fucking time. I'm fed up of being grumpy and short tempered and worrying I'm a shit mum who's going to scar them for life. They've had me awake since 5.30am and I've got to go to work for ten hours later on. I don't even know how I'm going to get through my shift without crying.

It's just endless and relentless. Now Christmas is on the way and I feel every more pressure to make stuff perfect for them. It's just all such bullshit. This will be my life for God knows how many fucking years yet. I can't do it!

OP posts:
Tonysopranosghost · 27/11/2022 08:27

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Parenting is hard enough when there's two of you. When one useless bastard fucks off it's relentless for the GOOD parent left.

You're doing great. Being grumpy will not scar them. You're human.

Do you have anyone who can take them off your hands for an afternoon? Everyone needs time to themselves, this does not make you a bad mother.

💐

Original poster
ChrisTrepidation · 27/11/2022 08:32

@Tonysopranosghost Thank you. You're very kind.

My parents take them but it's usually when I'm working and they aren't at nursery. I feel like I can't really ask just so I can have time to myself. Tbh a few hours off makes no difference really. I need a proper rest and I know I'm not getting one for at least 14 years😭😭

OP posts:
Original poster
ChrisTrepidation · 27/11/2022 08:34

Then I'll have ex husbands mum messaging me telling me I most be so excited for Xmas etc. Not really love cos it just brings back memories of your useless son leaving us two weeks before it.

OP posts:
webuiltthiscityonrockandwheat · 27/11/2022 08:35

You're definitely not being unreasonable! I don't have twins and I'm not a single parent and I find it exhausting and relentless. I reckon this year before they start school is one of the toughest, once they're at school you should get a bit more breathing space. Definitely ask your parents to have them overnight so you can rest, I hope they would do that for you! Are you ex's parents involved?

Dogtooth · 27/11/2022 08:38

I'm your shoes I'd take a sick day when they're at nursery and just stay in bed.

Ask for help - you need a rest sometimes. If you had a partner, gp might be offering babysitting while you have date nights etc - ask if they'd have them so you can rest. Ask ex's parents to have them too.

Piglet89 · 27/11/2022 08:39

OP.

I have ONE happy and good-natured (if quite high energy) son. I have an involved husband who takes him out on wee trips and weekends so I can have a break. It is STILL exhausting and relentless. I don’t know how you do it; you’re a hero. I Just wouldn’t he able to.

i would say that if your parents can take them while you’re not working, it might help a little.

Honestly, you’re a hero.

SusiePevensie · 27/11/2022 08:41

Single mother and twins is bloody hard. Fuck Christmas, honestly. Half the palaver is more for adults than kids anyway.

Crunchyb · 27/11/2022 08:41

They’re 4. They don’t need much at Christmas to get excited and be happy. It seems a waste of time trying to convince your typical British parent that fun can be had without spending monumental amounts of money though.

notdaddycool · 27/11/2022 08:41

Well done, if it’s any comfort during their Reception year both our kids got a whole lot easier, hope that change is coming soon for you.

Original poster
ChrisTrepidation · 27/11/2022 08:44

@webuiltthiscityonrockandwheat My ex husbands parents live hours away. His mum and her husband visit sometimes. His dad and his wife didn't even send them anything for their birthday this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChrisTrepidation · 27/11/2022 08:45

@Crunchyb I don't think they need loads for Xmas I think they need more than an anxious depressed mum though which is all they have at the minute :(

OP posts:
Neodymium · 27/11/2022 08:46

yeh I think once they are a little older it definitely gets easier. 4 year olds are annoying. I agree with taking a sick day to give yourself a break

donttellmehesalive · 27/11/2022 08:46

It won't be this hard forever. I remember it suddenly getting much easier when mine were about 7 and more independent. By the time they're 12 they'd rather be with friends than you. It really does get easier.

I think you need a regular weekly break to look forward to. I bet your mum would help if you asked, or his? I didn't have any family but I had two nights per week where they went to bed early and I made sure I had nothing to do except sit in front of the tv and watch rubbish.

caravanlife · 27/11/2022 08:46

I feel the same, it's relentless, could just do with a week of peace in the sun to reset myself, no idea how to get it!

Bearthepooh · 27/11/2022 08:46

Yanbu, but it sounds like you need to find a break somewhere/how. I'm not in the same situation, but we don't get any grandparent help either so never get a break. I'm also the default parent when I am here.
Do you have any annual leave you can take to drop the kids off with their child care, and then just have a day or 2 to yourself. We've just done this for 3 days. On the monday we packed all lunches and bulk cooked tea for the week and it helped refresh a bit. I have a few more days left this year where I'll do the same, I used to feel guilty not having DD at home but not any more.

userxx · 27/11/2022 08:46

You're doing a fantastic job, stop being so hard on yourself.

Christmas can be so shit and piles on the pressure, scale it back, it will be over before you know it. I really can't be doing with it this year. Bah fucking humbug.

donttellmehesalive · 27/11/2022 08:47

Just read that his parents live a few hours away. Would they come and babysit for a long weekend so you could go away somewhere?

DoubleTroubleAndThenSome · 27/11/2022 08:48

Op I haven’t read all the responses but u just wanted to say your feelings are totally normal. 4 can be a super hard age!!! My twins are 6 now and it does get so much easier. At 4 they still need you for everything, all the time and it is absolutely relentless sometimes.
I would say - Allow yourself to be angry and sad when you feel that way. And take it one day (or hour) at a time when things are tough. Your ex sounds like a right prick but you are building a strong relationship with your children. He will never have that. Hang in there xxx

donttellmehesalive · 27/11/2022 08:50

ChrisTrepidation · 27/11/2022 08:45

@Crunchyb I don't think they need loads for Xmas I think they need more than an anxious depressed mum though which is all they have at the minute :(

Have you talked to your GP about anxiety and depression. Medication can make an enormous difference if you feel that you are ill rather than a perfectly-normal level of miserable because of your current situation.

Imogensmumma · 27/11/2022 08:50

Agree with a previous pp can you take a sick day, annual leave day when they are in nursery and just sleep/ chill …. don’t do housework!!!

You are superwoman and in the trenches , I can’t imagine not getting time off even for a brief nap… you are amazing

musicandpassion · 27/11/2022 08:51

It's absolutely relentless. I was also left on my own when my two were very young without any support from my exH (aside from, like you, maintenance that barely touched the sides).
It's so hard but it does get easier as they get older. It'll be that little bit easier when they're able to go downstairs, make their own breakfast, and entertain themselves on a Saturday morning (which probably isn't that far off now!) Then they'll be outside playing with their friends on a Sunday afternoon. And again when they can be left home alone while you pop to the shops. Then they'll be old enough to leave on an evening for a few hours while you go out with friends.
It will get easier. I much prefer mine now they're older. It's like living with small, annoying but hilarious versions of yourself. You can do it OP. Flowers

romdowa · 27/11/2022 08:54

You 100% aren't being unreasonable. I've a 1 year old with my husband and I'm still exhausted 😩 I take my hat off to you doing it alone with twins.

Fleurdaisy · 27/11/2022 08:55

I’m not surprised you’re exhausted.
Do you have any Uni/ college age relatives or relatives of friends who might stay for a week in the holiday to help out?
In lieu of Xmas presents could you ask your parents and ex’s parents for babysitting / overnight stay of children or money you could use for a cleaner/ ironer/ babysitter?

Mariposista · 27/11/2022 08:58

OP you are doing brilliantly. you have a full time job (really respect you for that) and are raising two kids the best you can on your own.
take the pressure off RE Christmas. Kids remember the small things, the family film nights, helping them build a lego model, hot chocolate in the park rather than presents.

SusiePevensie · 27/11/2022 08:59

Also, you are NOT scarring them for life. They're getting a solid, caring, responsible role model.