To be absolutely SICK of being a mother?

[ChrisTrepidation]

I mean I love them but I am just absolutely over being a mum right now.

I have four year old twins. Dad buggered off when they were 15 months old and now has nothing to do with us (save sending his maintenance every month, which barely touches the sides)

I'm fed up with the constant exhaustion, the never ending heart racing anxiety of trying to get everything organised, remember everything and keep them alive. I'm fed up with never having time to relax cos once they're in bed I've got the house to tidy/stuff to sort out. Then it's 10pm and I've got to go to bed myself. I'm fed up with the isolation of being a lone parent. I'm fed up with always having to consider them first, every fucking time. I'm fed up of being grumpy and short tempered and worrying I'm a shit mum who's going to scar them for life. They've had me awake since 5.30am and I've got to go to work for ten hours later on. I don't even know how I'm going to get through my shift without crying.

It's just endless and relentless. Now Christmas is on the way and I feel every more pressure to make stuff perfect for them. It's just all such bullshit. This will be my life for God knows how many fucking years yet. I can't do it!

What a bastard doing that to you. Sending him bad thoughts!

Could you get some home start support?

I've been single parenting one child since my husband left before her first birthday, before my first MOTHERS DAY!

It's fucking hard OP you're doing amazing.

Things will get better when they're in school. It will be harder at times when they're sick or misbehave or you need to try and make school (endless) activities for parents plus them asking for money AND work.

But they get friends and stability and hopefully exhausted so will sleep better.

It's always hard but you need time for you.
Not sure if your working hours or financial situation but if you can leave them in nursery so you get an hours coffee after your shift or after school club when they go to school.

I put mine in clubs where you don't have to stay and watch them (drama club) any time you can get an hour YOU NEED IT. Never feel guilty.

When you're more balanced and happy you're a better parent for them.

If you give yourself to them fully your less 'present' and actually make a toxic environment. It's true for me anyway, me and my daughter get on better when I'm happy and I need time to be a person separate to being mum or work persona

Hang in there, it's hard but worth it!

Also every Xmas I pick a day near new years to go to a spa by myself, a present from my mum. That keeps me going in the run up to Xmas.

I've been a lone parent since my DD13 was 1. No maintenance. Absolutely diddly squat from him.

It is hard, but honestly it will get easier as they get older.

My advice is try not to sweat the small stuff. Use the time when they are in bed to try and relax. I know you said you had chores then it's 10pm but try and work out what is absolutely necessary, do that and let the rest go.

Also talk to your mum, they sound very supportive, just say you feel a bit broken and need some time. Maybe they could have them for a weekend?

And yes to what @shakeitoffshakeacocktail said. They are now at an age they can start tennis or musical theatre. If you can afford it find a stagecoach club or tennis coaching on a Saturday. Find whatever way you can of getting time.

YANBU. You sound knackered. It is a lot of pressure raising kids. I find it the worst during the summer holidays, trying to always keep them entertained and exercised and force myself to do constant days out and park trips. Winter is a time for rest so I lift the pressure off for a few months and live according to the motto 'everybody fed nobody dead'

Wow, you're bloody incredible. It's no wonder you're finding life hard OP, go easy on yourself. I think pulling a sicky on a nursery day as suggested by a PP is a fab idea.

Sympathy, OP.

Same and I only have one !!

I had the crappiest day yesterday, started off with a meltdown over the wrong McDonald's order being delivered. Ended with the bathroom being flooded because she ran a bath and forgot all about it 🙄

I never get a break or respite and I really could do with a night/weekend off sometimes.

Kids don’t want perfection they want love from a happy mum.

Who cares if the house is a tip sometimes? If you all have pyjama days? Life isn’t an instagram experience, the reality is most of us struggle and don’t look good and don’t live in tidy houses. Kids get put in front of the tv for hours while we pretend to have a long toilet break. We do what we need to do for our sanity.

You are an amazing woman, you’ve single handedly raising two young children and while working. Give yourself the break you need. Let your kids live in a messy room then tell them to help tidy it up. Ask people for help and to support you - this is the hardest bit. Tell their dad (as long as he’s a safe person) to start taking responsibility and meet his kids.

You cannot do it all. Allow yourself the chance to be imperfect and do only half.

Twins are a whole different kettle of fish.

You're doing amazingly and everything you feel is absolutely normal. It will get better.

Try to increase your self care if you can.

It's hard even with a second parent and with twins! Double the trouble. However you are doing amazing and are burnt out. I have been feeling it myself lately. I have 4 kids aged 3 up to 9 and I work full time for dh and I do 100% of housework and child care. However there is light at the end of the tunnel! I found ablut 7/8 years was a good age. They are more independent and don't need you as much or wine as much. You can leave them to have a nap etc.

It does get easier but with different challenges. And once they are about 11 to 13 depending on how sensible they are you can have a break. They will be in their rooms you won't be able to get then out again!

It is shit! But it gets better.

I'm also pulling my hair out, exhausted and wander why I did what I did sometimes! Don't feel bad. It just means you care!

Hang in there. Four is a tough age but they're going to get, not easier, but less permanently demanding, as they get older. That's not to say all the mental load/other stuff gets any less, but the kids will become a bit more independent at least.

It's fucking relentless (single parent, full time working mum here too). Could you ask your parents to take the kids for a weekend?

Message your ex mil with exactly what you’ve written here. Does she know there’s no contact between her son and his children? Does she even see them? Bit of a shitty thing to do at any time but walking out a fortnight before Christmas is shite.

Not sure what your financial circumstance are but lots of local authorities are running free or subsidised activity camps in the holidays. Could you ask family to gift your kids holiday camp passes or sports clubs instead of plastic tat for Christmas? This will give you some breathing space during the holidays.

Regarding Christmas, my children are 11 and 12 now and neither can specifically remember their 4th Christmas, so it’s really not worth trying to give them the “perfect” Christmas, just something very simple is enough.

Honestly. It's grim & tough but it won't be long! Not everyone will agree but I found age 4-6 the toughest. The constant "why why why" the book dress up days, Halloween etc etc the constant never ending up early monotonous drudge.

It does stop!! By 7 or 8 they can get themselves cereal and stick telly on - you can have a lie in a little on a Saturday. They can play together whilst you relax on the sofa.

Meantime - don't be a martyr to the immaculate house! When they go to bed, sit down and watch crap tv or relax.

Blitz the house once a week.

Sending a hug! It will get easier

I’ve got grown up twins and I remember it being particularly hard when they were 4, and I was with DH. So it must be so hard doing it alone.

It will get easier. If I was your mum I would want to know you were feeling so low and I would do my best to give you a break.

It doesn’t seem like it now but it will end up being easier than just one as they’ve got each other for company/playing some of those god awful games they like.

Do you have friends that you could open up to and ask for a little bit of help? If you could get a little bit of you time every so often it might help break the cycle a little bit. Can you take a bit of annual leave while they are in nursery and school?

YANBU OP, it will get easier, life won’t be like this forever. Sounds like you are doing a great job so far, I am sure there isn’t a parent in the planet that hasn’t felt like this from time to time.

My twins are almost 5 and it’s really bloody hard. And I have a DH here too. You are doing really well. Nothing will help much but I assume they aren’t in school yet? Once they are if you are working shifts I think will you have some days off when they are at school? Take that time for yourself. In the meantime have a sick day and just rest or use annual leave and keep them in nursery. It will get easier and you are a great mum to them, you are the one who stayed and did everything for them and they will understand and appreciate that when they are older.

I have one 4 year old, a 7 year old and a husband and somewhat regular child free time and it is still hard as hell most days. You are a hero doing the best you can. The burn out is real and you can't pour from an empty cup. You need to carve out some time for you. Be that once they are in bed, ignore the mess and relax for an evening, or taking a day's annual leave when they are in childcare.

I make sure my bedroom is always tidy, so if the house is a mess once the kids are in bed I'll shut myself in my room with a book or netflix, then I'm not getting stressed by the mess as I can't see it and am not sat amongst it. The mess is still there in the morning but I'm in a better state to tackle it and be a better parent for taking some time out.

It is so hard I can't imagine how hard it must be with twins. You are doing the best you can, you deserve better for you but those kids will be just fine, happy and loved with a mum who despite the struggle has their best interests at heart.

You just need a break, I’m very lucky my sons father takes him for two nights a week, I need that time to myself . That’s how I cope with being a single parent, if I was you I would cut down work one day a week and have that day to yourself while there at school or nursery, you need it before you have a breakdown. Have a day in bed sleeping and watching tv. Has your child’s father said why he can’t look after his children ? What a prick.

Hey, Op.
I've got 4.5 yr old twin DC, am a solo parent (left XDH when the girls were 5 months old) and have no parents to help, so understand the struggle.
It's bloody relentless!
💚

I am in the same position as OP and whilst I know you mean well, but can I just point out that mentioning how fortunate you are, is NOT helpful AT ALL!