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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send Christmas presents this year?

63 replies

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 07:18

MN I need some help.

I've realised this year that my personal boundaries have been virtually non-existent and I've been putting up with various dynamics to keep the peace / not upset anyone / keep friendships. However I think it is too late and lots of people in my life have been walking all over me for a long time so I'm in the process of working out which are the healthy and unhealthy relationships. Cue letting various ones drift.

My AIBU is that for some years I've been friendly with an aunt of mine. My aunt has never had kids but does have a brother who I'm not close to and a father who has dementia and is very unwell who she has cared for for years.

In May I flew up to Scotland to see my aunt, it was the second time I'd gone up to see her and I left my husband on his own with the kids for four days to do so, my aunt asked me to go and spend her birthday with her as she said she didn't have anyone to spend it with. I decided to go, bought the flight tickets, got my aunt a really nice birthday gift, lovely hand bag and other bits, gifts for her father and when there i paid for the two meals we had out. I was generous but I wanted to be. However shortly after I got back, she started messaging me asking me to give a donation for a charity event she was doing that was close to her heart. She ended up sending three separate messages asking me for donation money so I ended up sending the cheque she sent me in June for my birthday for £25 back to her towards the charity event.

AIBU that I feel offended that I felt harassed to give her money when I'd already been generous in my own opinion?

Also given that I made such an effort for my aunt actually going to see her flights, gifts and meals when I was there, and then my birthday cheque returned towards her charity event would it be reasonable to say there won't be Christmas presents this year hope she understands because I put so much into her birthday this year? I am still so upset about it I haven't spoken to her on the phone since the trip just the odd text message.

OP posts:

neighboursmustliveon · 27/11/2022 07:26

What confuses me if you referring to her brother and father who surely must be your uncle and grandfather?

I would have replied that celebrating her birthday with her has wiped out your budget for non essential's for a few months so you are unable to contribute.

I suspect by being so generous you have given her the impression you are rolling in money.

Original poster

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 07:30

Yes her brother is my uncle sorry, bit early! I didn't see my uncle when I was there even though he lives around the corner.

I was generous because it was my aunt's birthday and she said she didn't have anyone to spend it with and I thought she was a friend.

It felt very uncomfortable that my aunt kept messaging me for sponsorship money after i got back which is why i sent my birthday cheque back but it has left a nasty taste in my mouth.

OP posts:

LittleBitAcorn · 27/11/2022 07:37

To be honest I don't think anyone has been unreasonable here - it's just one of those situations that needs communication.

I don't know why you donated when you didn't want to?
"Hi neice, can you donate to X?"
"Sorry Aunt, my spare money all went on your birthday."

If you said no and she kept badgering you, that's different though!

I think a PP is right and she thinks you have a lot of disposable income. Just make it clear that you don't.

RoachPussy · 27/11/2022 07:38

If you have always bought her a Christmas gift unless you have said to the contrary she’s going to be expecting something. Get a cheap token gift because I get the impression that if you tell her what you have put in your post she would be upset or offended.

00100001 · 27/11/2022 07:42

A bit weird to send your birthday cheque back?

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 27/11/2022 07:48

Just say 'hi aunt, with things getting tighter this year, we're cutting back and only buying for the kids so please don't buy us anything either'

Or just send a token something and send it early.

Sparkletastic · 27/11/2022 07:50

Did you say no to the charity donation at the time?

Blueberrywitch · 27/11/2022 07:53

I think you’re being unreasonable here, you had a nice weekend with her which is lovely, and she has asked you to sponsor a charity event for her, also completely fine for her to do and you could have said no. To now punish her for this by not sending a Christmas gift would be very strange… totally fine if you’re not doing Xmas gifts in general, just let her know ahead of time so she doesn’t get one for you. But completely bonkers to not get her a Xmas gift because she asked you to sponsor her charity walk or whatever it was.

Original poster

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 07:58

The first time she asked we were on holiday and she knew that so shouldn't have bothered me then asking for money. I said I would if any money left from holiday, the second time I was still on holiday she sent a message saying I'd missed the deadline but could I give to something else she was doing instead for sam charity I think I said I would if any money left from holiday but was getting more upset about it then the third time she asked ahain i said i already gave to my own charities. Then she sent a few messages about her charity event so I sent back the cheque.

OP posts:

notdaddycool · 27/11/2022 07:58

If you appear to be rolling in cash it’s not unreasonable to ask for sponsorship. If you send every year send smaller or say very soon you are only doing Christmas for the family. This is all down to lack of communication and misconceptions.

Original poster

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 07:59

For me it was that I'd already spent on the region of £400 on her birthday weekend and I couldn't understand why I was bring asked for more money.

OP posts:

mammawho · 27/11/2022 08:01

It does sound as though she's taking the piss a little bit.

She probably thinks you've got loads of money. Fair enough to ask once for a donation but to keep pushing is really weird. Just say you don't have enough money to donate if she ever asks in the future.

I would get her something small for Xmas or message beforehand and say you're struggling a little bit with cash due to bills going up blah blah and can you both skip presents this year.

Original poster

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:02

The fact that I didn't give to her charity the first time my aunt asked should have been enough. I don't understand why she kept asking it felt as though I was being harassed and I thought I'd done something nice by going to see her / taking presents / going out for meals etc!

I think I will do token gifts then but I do feel strange about the situation tbh.

OP posts:

demotedreally · 27/11/2022 08:03

I don't really see the problem here. You didn't have to give a donation, and a fiver should be enough. I don't know why you sent the cheque back.

I also don't really see why this relates to Xmas.

If you over stretched last time you visited then remember not to do so next time. Even if you felt under pressure, learn how to say no.

LittleBitAcorn · 27/11/2022 08:05

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:02

I think I will do token gifts then but I do feel strange about the situation tbh.

She kept asking because at no point did you say no, you kept saying yes, if you had money left over.

Just phone her and have a conversation about it?

I don't think this would bother me tbh. You don't have to give anything, and you didn't need to send your birthday cheque back.

She has no idea she's offended you.

BananaCocktails · 27/11/2022 08:06

For adults I now only get them chocolates and biscuits- ie a Tin of Quality Street or a tin of biscuits . Id send her some nice biscuits to share with family . That will break the expensive cycle of expectation
as for the donation all you had to day was I’m really sorry I’ve already donated to my chosen charities this year but I’ll keep them in mind for next year
or no thank you I’d rather not as i spent s fair bit getting up to you but thanks for the suggestion
as I’ve gotten older My family have had more children and I can’t afford to buy kids and adults in fact this year im
spending less on Christmas presents
christmas to me is a religious festival and shouldn’t require gifts however we have all been marketed to death to do so
People Have got it in the mind that they must buy huge and hoards of gifts -in fact a small token gift so much nicer and probably a lot more appreciated

mammawho · 27/11/2022 08:06

I've just seen your updates and wow, she is definitely taking the piss.

Nagging for money when you'd already said you'd send some of you had any left. Then to tell you you've missed the deadline...cheeky cow.

Is she definitely putting the money towards a charity?

But yes, for Xmas, small gift or let her know you're not sending any more due to money issues. She needs to get the impression that you are loaded out of her head.

Original poster

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:09

I said several times if I have money left... that should have been code for 'Jolie has kids she might be spending money on her kids on holiday that should come before me and my charity event' in my opinion. It was then just awkward because she kept messaging about the charity event and it was as though my character was being judged so I sent the cheque back as she had asked specifically for £20 for the charity to make the amount to a certain level. Cheque was for £25.

OP posts:

LittleBitAcorn · 27/11/2022 08:09

I was being harassed and I thought I'd done something nice by going to see her / taking presents / going out for meals etc!

It's odd that you're linking the two together - the nice thing you did for her birthday was one thing, but her asking for a donation is a seperate thing.

It's clear you feel the balance is unsettled now but honestly she's not done anything wrong in asking.

Original poster

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:14

I'm connecting the two because I'd spent four days away from my family, bought tickets insurance parking paid for the two meals we had out when we were there bought gifts etc and I felt I was being judged for not giving to thr charity and was being asked for money several times on my family holiday! It just felt like I'd already put a lot into the birthday weekend as it was. That should have been enough.

OP posts:

LittleBitAcorn · 27/11/2022 08:20

I think you're overthinking this.

You did a nice thing for your aunt, she asked for a donation for a charity. To be honest, you led her on a bit rather than just saying no.

Kindly, do you suffer with low self esteem OP? I ask as you feel saying no to the donation would reflect badly on you - do you generally find it hard to say no in most situations?

And in my experience it causes issues to assume people know what you mean when you say things in 'code' too - just be clear and say what you mean.

Original poster

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:21

BananaCocktails I think I will do the same.
Something small. It is sad because I used to think I was close with my aunt but with the charity stuff I felt as though I was being tested if that makes sense. It isn't what I thought it was at all. Such a shame.

OP posts:

Original poster

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:23

No I don't think I do anymore LittleBitAcorn. I am just starting to see things as they really are instead of how I would like them to be.

OP posts:

pepperminttaste · 27/11/2022 08:25

Okay so maybe a flat out 'no, I'm really tight for cash at the minute' would have been better but asking (telling?) you to sponsor her repeatedly is poor form on her part.

pepperminttaste · 27/11/2022 08:28

Whoops. Didn't answer your question! I agree with the pp who suggested sending a box of biscuits. I did this last year rather than send lots of little random gifts to family and will definitely be doing it going forward.

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