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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send Christmas presents this year?

63 replies

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 07:18

MN I need some help.

I've realised this year that my personal boundaries have been virtually non-existent and I've been putting up with various dynamics to keep the peace / not upset anyone / keep friendships. However I think it is too late and lots of people in my life have been walking all over me for a long time so I'm in the process of working out which are the healthy and unhealthy relationships. Cue letting various ones drift.

My AIBU is that for some years I've been friendly with an aunt of mine. My aunt has never had kids but does have a brother who I'm not close to and a father who has dementia and is very unwell who she has cared for for years.

In May I flew up to Scotland to see my aunt, it was the second time I'd gone up to see her and I left my husband on his own with the kids for four days to do so, my aunt asked me to go and spend her birthday with her as she said she didn't have anyone to spend it with. I decided to go, bought the flight tickets, got my aunt a really nice birthday gift, lovely hand bag and other bits, gifts for her father and when there i paid for the two meals we had out. I was generous but I wanted to be. However shortly after I got back, she started messaging me asking me to give a donation for a charity event she was doing that was close to her heart. She ended up sending three separate messages asking me for donation money so I ended up sending the cheque she sent me in June for my birthday for £25 back to her towards the charity event.

AIBU that I feel offended that I felt harassed to give her money when I'd already been generous in my own opinion?

Also given that I made such an effort for my aunt actually going to see her flights, gifts and meals when I was there, and then my birthday cheque returned towards her charity event would it be reasonable to say there won't be Christmas presents this year hope she understands because I put so much into her birthday this year? I am still so upset about it I haven't spoken to her on the phone since the trip just the odd text message.

OP posts:
Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:32

I would have said a flat no if I'd known my aunt was going to keep asking! I was trying to say it in a softer way.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 27/11/2022 08:32

Did you actually physically return a birthday cheque to her? If so that was incredibly rude. You just needed to say no to the charity donation, it wasn’t at all linked to your birthday spending. You needed to say no once, then no again, then “please stop asking it’s still a no”. I don’t mean to be cruel but it sounds like you struggle a little with understanding what is or isn’t socially expected or typical more so than just general boundaries.

nopenotplaying · 27/11/2022 08:33

Is the charity thing real. Is she struggling for money and needs help?

pepperminttaste · 27/11/2022 08:36

Completely understand as I'd have probably done the same thing initially but, hey, now you can mentally prepare yourself for next time!

Fenneloup · 27/11/2022 08:37

You should have said a clear no but you didn't. Not sending Christmas presents is more passive aggressive than assertive. Your aunt is not a mind reader. Asking for money for a charity is very different from money you spent on personal gifts for her. She personally wouldn't benefit from charity money.
It's great you're learning to set personal boundaries, but I wouldn't have thought this the hill to die on.

HotChicolate · 27/11/2022 08:38

Next time this sort of thing happens you just need to text back and say sorry you can’t donate as you already regularly donate to charities of your choice.
I would still buy her an Xmas present as she’s probably bought yours now. Then maybe knock it on the head next year.

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:38

Returning the cheque was because she asked specifically for £20 and the cheque was for £25.

Also I was making the point that I'd made a big effort for her birthday and was being asked to return the value of my gift! So not fair for me?

My behaviour would have been different if I'd known the charity donation was going to become such a big deal to my aunt. If I'd known i:

  1. Would have said the first time 'I'm all out of spends after my trip to you so can't contribute this time, sorry'.
  1. Or I wouldn't have bought her both meals out on the trip / a decent birthday gift so I had money left over for the charity donation!
OP posts:
upfucked · 27/11/2022 08:38

Sounds less like a boundary issues and more of a communication issue. You need to say what you mean.

HotChicolate · 27/11/2022 08:40

The charity thing and the birthday aren’t related you need to separate them in your mind.

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:42

HotChicolate it's still my family money though so comes out of our one family pot. So in that way they are linked iyswim.

OP posts:
ExhaustedButHappy22 · 27/11/2022 08:48

Sorry but the two events are completely unrelated from the sounds of things.

You did a lovely thing going to such trouble to spend quality time with your aunt on her birthday - and it's lovely that you treated her so well during that trip.

But her asking for the charity donations isn't her testing you or anything ridiculous like that - if it is a charity she holds dear to her heart and is actively fundraising for she was probably sending messages like that to lots of people in the hopes of drumming up support - she's likely been advised by the charity to be proactive in seeking sponsorship etc. (I've found people can be very much like the multi level marketing mum bits when seeking charity donations) .... Your reply was wishy washy and left the conversation open to follow up. A simple "Sorry, but I don't have room in my budget for that right now as we are away with the kids and as you can imagine 4 little ones on holiday gets expensive." When she first asked would've sufficed.

If she messages again in future regarding fundraising just send a simple message back "wish you good luck with your target but I already give to my chosen charities monthly and don't partake in further sponsorships as a rule." And then turn the conversation back around. If she still pushes again after this THEN you WNBU to be annoyed and feel differently.

pepperminttaste · 27/11/2022 08:53

They might be unrelated for the aunt but as the op said the are related for her, it's her money. Spending so much on one thing has consequences for the other.

Plus no one should be strong arming anyone into donating to charity on their behalf.

Funkyslippers · 27/11/2022 08:53

Instead of returning the cheque which seems rather harsh on her, you could have just said "I haven't paid the cheque in so just take that as my donation". Even though she only asked for £20, so why give her £25? I would definitely had said no straight away though, so no room for confusion

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:53

Exhaustedbuthappy22 yes that's what I did after the third time i was asked for a donation I said I gave to my own charity and then I got further messages about her preparing for thr charity event and it sort of felt so awkward after her continuing to ask for donations that my aunt was still referring to the charity event that's when I decided to send the cheque back.

I've been working on my boundaries and realise I have to trust my intuition more. The situation felt off and as though I was being badly thought of / judged for being mean! It's difficult to explain.

OP posts:
Funkyslippers · 27/11/2022 08:54

Also you didn't need to go out for 2 meals. Her birthday is only 1 day. I bet she loved that! But I wouldn't let someone pay that much for me as well as the cost of flights

Beautiful3 · 27/11/2022 08:55

I do think you're massively over thinking this, sorry. She was just asking for a fiver to do something sponsored for charity. I would have just sent it. Not spat out my dummy returning a birthday cheque. She probably thinks you're never speaking to her again because of it, what a shame because she's family. If you felt that strongly about charity, you could have called her up and said no thanks. I hope you make up, life's too short.

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:56

My aunt asked specifically for £20.

OP posts:
LittleBitAcorn · 27/11/2022 08:56

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 08:42

HotChicolate it's still my family money though so comes out of our one family pot. So in that way they are linked iyswim.

Where the money cones from doesn't matter, it doesn't link them. One event was for your Aunt (birthday) and the other is for charity, very seperate things.

Sending the cheque back doesn't make a 'point' - it's just rude.

I think you clearly begrudge the birthday expense - in future, don't do things you begrudge doing and don't expect people to read your mind when you say things in code or do things to make a 'point'.

I think you have a distorted view on things, OP. A normal response would have been to just tell her that you couldn't donate and to have thought no more about it.

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 09:02

Thanks LittleBitAcorn but I've answered your points in my previous few posts.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 27/11/2022 09:07

Your Daunt thinks you're rolling in it rather than being generous to her.

I'd message and say you aren't doing presents this year and donating to your favourite charity instead.

In future grow a backbone- you aren't obliged to donate to anyone's charity and she was rude to ask multiple times.

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 09:15

I didn't mind being asked once but being asked multiple times and feeling 'chased' for a donation has been perplexing and painful tbh! I felt as though my aunt was going to keep mentioning the event until I donated. My aunt was very happy to receive the birthday cheque back. Just cane away from the whole situation feeling strange after what had been a nice visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 09:17

Ps it was the relentless asking for money/ telling me I was late to donate / asking twice for a donation when I was away on holiday that made me feel strange.

OP posts:
curtaindrawn · 27/11/2022 09:19

I would hate being pressured for money but ....

I agree with PP you need to be clear and spell it out, some people genuinely aren't great at reading social signals. It's not always premeditated. If they are genuinely trying to take the piss then being clear and upfront is better at shutting it down. Next time just be honest when she asks. If she persists then you can be annoyed or better still you can say "you've asked me before and I said no so why are you still asking? - the answer is still no" and there won't be any confusion.

I think it's a stretch to think she'll consider what you spent on her birthday in relation to your other spending (if anything she'll probably conclude you must be good for the £20). She's asking for money for charity not for you to pay for another meal so it's not like she is looking to personally benefit.

Does she have lots of friends? Could it be that you are one of the few people she can ask for sponsorship and maybe she won't make that much money without you? She might be more persistent in that case.

Physically sending a cheque back is a bit rude and unnecessary in IMO.

I'd just try and move past it, unless she has form for this. Next time be clearer and blunter when she asks

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 09:28

I have heard from other family members that she had been also pursuing them for sponsorship, yes so I'm not the only one.

In future a strong no is needed earlier, I will accept that. I've just not had someone keep asking over and over in that way for a donation before. Re the cheque, why would I drive half an hour to thr nearest bank to pay in a cheque to write another one when I could just send that one back? It was for near enough what my aunt was asking for anyway.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 27/11/2022 09:32

Is your motivation for not sending Christmas presents financial or spiteful? You need to communicate better with your aunt. All of these things were within your control: visiting, the birthday, giving money to charity… It seems a shame to punish your aunt for you not being able to assert yourself or for overspending and feeling resentful.