Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send Christmas presents this year?

63 replies

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 07:18

MN I need some help.

I've realised this year that my personal boundaries have been virtually non-existent and I've been putting up with various dynamics to keep the peace / not upset anyone / keep friendships. However I think it is too late and lots of people in my life have been walking all over me for a long time so I'm in the process of working out which are the healthy and unhealthy relationships. Cue letting various ones drift.

My AIBU is that for some years I've been friendly with an aunt of mine. My aunt has never had kids but does have a brother who I'm not close to and a father who has dementia and is very unwell who she has cared for for years.

In May I flew up to Scotland to see my aunt, it was the second time I'd gone up to see her and I left my husband on his own with the kids for four days to do so, my aunt asked me to go and spend her birthday with her as she said she didn't have anyone to spend it with. I decided to go, bought the flight tickets, got my aunt a really nice birthday gift, lovely hand bag and other bits, gifts for her father and when there i paid for the two meals we had out. I was generous but I wanted to be. However shortly after I got back, she started messaging me asking me to give a donation for a charity event she was doing that was close to her heart. She ended up sending three separate messages asking me for donation money so I ended up sending the cheque she sent me in June for my birthday for £25 back to her towards the charity event.

AIBU that I feel offended that I felt harassed to give her money when I'd already been generous in my own opinion?

Also given that I made such an effort for my aunt actually going to see her flights, gifts and meals when I was there, and then my birthday cheque returned towards her charity event would it be reasonable to say there won't be Christmas presents this year hope she understands because I put so much into her birthday this year? I am still so upset about it I haven't spoken to her on the phone since the trip just the odd text message.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 27/11/2022 09:34

She will have believed you visited her because you wanted to spend that time and money on having a lovely trip rather than it being spent solely on her. And yes’m your generosity will have led her to believe you have plenty of money. Add to that a family holiday- more spare cash.

Im not saying this is true but she will have read it that way and it does sound as if you didn’t begrudge any of the expenses until she started asking for money.

She shouldn’t have kept asking but you should have told her straight away that you couldn’t help on this occasion.

So now learn from all of this and communicate with her and tell her money is tight and you won’t be doing gifts this year. If you’ve always had a nice relationship it’s a shame to let this spoil things.

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 09:36

Summer fun I have always been generous and sent gifts fo my aunt and uncle and great uncle but haven't spoken to my aunt on my phone since the charity stuff.

Also I'm not made of money! Whatever my aunt thinks. I made the effort to go because she was important to me but I do feel the way she has behaved since wirh rhe charity stuff eg messaging for money while we were aaay has been inappropriate tbh.

I think I'm going to send small gifts for the three of them this year.

OP posts:
Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 09:38

Thanks everyone for your opinions, very helpful!!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 27/11/2022 09:41

Actually on rereading this, I hope your aunt isn't getting harassed by charity chuggers. I've read somewhere that they can be quite relentless in their harassment, if they feel they can get more money out of a vulnerable person. Asking for a specific amount would buy into that theory as well.

Small presents only if you must I agree, but if she asks for charity money again, than maybe phone her up and make sure she isn't under pressure from someone.

LikeTearsInRain · 27/11/2022 09:42

CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 07:18

MN I need some help.

I've realised this year that my personal boundaries have been virtually non-existent and I've been putting up with various dynamics to keep the peace / not upset anyone / keep friendships. However I think it is too late and lots of people in my life have been walking all over me for a long time so I'm in the process of working out which are the healthy and unhealthy relationships. Cue letting various ones drift.

My AIBU is that for some years I've been friendly with an aunt of mine. My aunt has never had kids but does have a brother who I'm not close to and a father who has dementia and is very unwell who she has cared for for years.

In May I flew up to Scotland to see my aunt, it was the second time I'd gone up to see her and I left my husband on his own with the kids for four days to do so, my aunt asked me to go and spend her birthday with her as she said she didn't have anyone to spend it with. I decided to go, bought the flight tickets, got my aunt a really nice birthday gift, lovely hand bag and other bits, gifts for her father and when there i paid for the two meals we had out. I was generous but I wanted to be. However shortly after I got back, she started messaging me asking me to give a donation for a charity event she was doing that was close to her heart. She ended up sending three separate messages asking me for donation money so I ended up sending the cheque she sent me in June for my birthday for £25 back to her towards the charity event.

AIBU that I feel offended that I felt harassed to give her money when I'd already been generous in my own opinion?

Also given that I made such an effort for my aunt actually going to see her flights, gifts and meals when I was there, and then my birthday cheque returned towards her charity event would it be reasonable to say there won't be Christmas presents this year hope she understands because I put so much into her birthday this year? I am still so upset about it I haven't spoken to her on the phone since the trip just the odd text message.

When first asked for the donation, why not just say you can’t afford it after having the trip and birthday celebrations? I get the impression you probably just ignored the messages about the charity event? Or you could have just offered a token £5/£10 and given the same reasons for why you can’t afford too much. You sound fairly close and her fairly lonely so I suspect she viewed you as one of the few reliable people she could get a donation from for her fundraising. So I think YABU here to basically have gone off her for daring to try and save face and raise a decent amount, by asking one of the closest people to her to support her.

If you don’t want to spend more money on her after the expensive trip just let her know you want to agree a small budget for Christmas this year because of that?

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 10:30

£400 was a lot of money for us to spend on something not for our family - dh and kids - if that makes sense. I was surprised by and ended up resenting being asked to donate to charity when I felt I had already v recently been generous. It felt as though I was being used a bit tbh. If I had asked her and she'd said she would wait to see if she had any money left after a family trip I definitely wouldn't have asked again I would have left it.

OP posts:
HotChicolate · 27/11/2022 10:32

Can you not see being generous to your aunt and being generous to a charity are two completely separate things?

Baconking · 27/11/2022 10:47

Your aunt didn't ask you to spend £400 for her birthday, that was your own doing.

If she was doing an event for charity you usually are encouraged to raise a minimum amount so she was probably just trying to reach her goal. She had no reason to suspect you couldn't afford it seeing as you were flashing the cash for her birthday

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 11:28

Asking me once for a donation would have been fine i would have understood that.

OP posts:
HotChicolate · 27/11/2022 12:06

Im sure one clear no would have stopped future requests for the donation.

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 12:07

Thanks Hot, noted for next time! Will be clearer next time.

OP posts:
shinynewapple22 · 27/11/2022 12:31

HotChicolate · 27/11/2022 08:40

The charity thing and the birthday aren’t related you need to separate them in your mind.

This.

I think you made a mistake in spending such a huge amount of money on the birthday visit . You aunt asked if you could visit . Buying her a handbag and then the two meals out was your choice - and to be honest if this was your family budget and your DC have gone without because of this expenditure then you were in the wrong .

How did it come about that you paid for the two meals out when you were visiting ?

Original poster
CottonEyeJodie · 27/11/2022 13:08

Yes shiny in retrospect I shouldn't have been so generous because I feel its caused problems! Lols. As judge Judy says, no good turn goes unpunished! I wanted to treat my aunt as I felt we were good friends. Maybe I shouldn't have gone so mad. Again lesson learnt.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page