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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Poorly baby and in laws

57 replies

satelliteheart · 26/11/2022 04:42

Let me start by saying, I love my in laws, they're a lovely family and we genuinely get on very very well. So this is not a typical mil bashing thread. Also this is my 3rd child so definitely not pfb but happy to be told IABU and just need a sanity check

Ds3 is 10 days old. Last weekend (so he was 4/5 days old) my sister and her family were due to visit. She called me in the morning to say she had a rotten cold and so they wouldn't come as she didn't want to make ds3 unwell. All fine, I said we'd rearrange when she's feeling better

The next day we had dh's family round. Mil and fil showed up with bad colds, coughing and spluttering everywhere all day, then both held ds3 for several hours. (Also worth noting they'd already met ds the day after he was born so it wasn't their first chance to see him)

Now my 10 day old baby has a cold, he's really snotty and struggling to breathe and I feel awful for him. I'm so annoyed at in-laws for coming round when they were so ill but not sure if I'm overreacting or not? I'm not an overly precious mother and always feel it's better for the kids to be exposed to things to build their immunity but ds is so tiny and it's really wound me up that he has to deal with a cold in his first few weeks of life

So I'd like to know how others would feel in this situation

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 26/11/2022 04:46

I would be pissed off. And would make it known to them. Yes they need to be exposed to colds etc but not that young. It can be dangerous. I hope you're baba gets better soon and quickly.

ShirleyPhallus · 26/11/2022 04:46

Sorry but I think you’re overreacting

there are plenty of viruses around, you have no idea he actually caught it from them. Especially with 2 older children he likely will get all sorts of stuff from them anyway.

and your time to say something to the ILs was when they turned up, not let them cough all over your child for hours then complain after!

hope he feels better soon

Emmamoo89 · 26/11/2022 04:46

Your*

ShirleyPhallus · 26/11/2022 04:46

Ps, get a snot sucker, they’re fantastic

Anna783426 · 26/11/2022 04:53

I would be really angry, your baby's still tiny with a tiny immune system, there's no need to deliberately test it.

I hope he's on the mend soon and can battle it off. My three week old caught a cold and ended up in hospital for a week as her immune system just wasn't developed enough and there's some nasty viruses flying round.

KatyClair · 26/11/2022 04:56

Personally I’d want to punch them! I’d make it clear how angry I was and say ‘so and so is poorly, in future please don’t come with a cold’ I would be fuming!!

Ragwort · 26/11/2022 04:59

Of course they shouldn't have shown up with heavy colds but surely you didn't need to let them hold your DS 'for several hours'?

ShirleyPhallus · 26/11/2022 04:59

these replies are so odd. If you felt that strongly you wouldn’t want someone ill handling your baby why would you let them “cough and splutter everywhere” while holding your baby and not just say “oh you seem unwell, I’ll take the baby from you so he doesn’t catch anything…..” at the time? Seems really weird to be so angry with them after the event but not to say something at the time

Norachance · 26/11/2022 05:02

Exactly what @ShirleyPhallus said!

Sunflowergrow · 26/11/2022 05:32

ShirleyPhallus · 26/11/2022 04:59

these replies are so odd. If you felt that strongly you wouldn’t want someone ill handling your baby why would you let them “cough and splutter everywhere” while holding your baby and not just say “oh you seem unwell, I’ll take the baby from you so he doesn’t catch anything…..” at the time? Seems really weird to be so angry with them after the event but not to say something at the time

I agree with this, why did you let them hold him at the time, especially if you have a good relationship with them - shouldn’t you have been able to say that you didn’t feel comfortable?

I feel for you though, my little one is 4 months old and has already suffered through the flu and covid! Winter is hard. I hope your little boy feels better soon.

banananas1978 · 26/11/2022 05:34

No help now but make it clear in the future when arranging a visit that no visits if anyone is ill, any snuffly noses and coughs including. For a baby that young viral illnesses carry higher risk of complications and even just breathing is diffcult for them. I personally would not have let them hold the baby either, get a baby carrier like Ergo Embrace/ when baby is bigger Ergo Omni 360, baby wont want to be held by anyone else snug with you and no one can say oh give baby to me while you make a drink or something.

If you can get Sterimar baby nose pray with COPPER from Amazon/Boots/Morrisons,its better than saline one, Nosefrida snot sucker and a nebuliser (rechargable they are quiet and easy to carry around the house)

Iwonder08 · 26/11/2022 05:44

If they obviously had colds and coughs why on earth did you let them hold your newborn for 'several hours'?

Sunshineguy · 26/11/2022 05:44

It is a dark age myth that children need to be exposed to viruses at a young age in order to strengthen immunity. In fact the opposite is true. Studies have shown infants who had their first exposure to RSV aged 3 had a much lower chance of being hospitalised than babies who were exposed before they were 1. The immune system is not a muscle, and the way the different components interact suggests fewer, less frequent exposures to pathogens is beneficial for a longer, healthier life.

FangsForTheMemory · 26/11/2022 05:48

I thought that colds were only infectious before you actually develop symptoms anyway? A GP told me this. That would mean your baby caught the cold elsewhere.

cookiesbeforepookies · 26/11/2022 05:51

YANBU. I think DH should have noticed they were ill and protected you and baby from the,.

Fleur405 · 26/11/2022 05:53

FangsForTheMemory · 26/11/2022 05:48

I thought that colds were only infectious before you actually develop symptoms anyway? A GP told me this. That would mean your baby caught the cold elsewhere.

Pretty sure that’s not true! Common colds are caused by a coronavirus and they do the same thing as the strain that causes covid - infectious before and after symptoms start.

As for the question, yes I would be annoyed but I would have said so at the time and not let them hold the baby.

stuntbubbles · 26/11/2022 06:03

I’d be annoyed to. Do you have the kind of relationship with them where you could have said at the time, “Hang on, you can’t come in with those germs” or did you feel you had to go along with it?

Rumplestrumpet · 26/11/2022 06:09

Silly if them to turn up with rotten colds, but surely once they'd arrived and you saw they were ill you could have said "really don't want baby to get sick so best if you keep your distance/come back another time/wash your hands and wears masks?

Since Covid I think we can all be a bit more assertive about stuff like this

Hope baby gets well soon

HungryandIknowit · 26/11/2022 06:13

Not acceptable. RSV can be life threatening to tiny babies. I would have sent them away.

TinFoilHatty · 26/11/2022 06:14

It is hard, isn't it. You love them (yay) but they came to visit and handled your newborn with colds (boo). Your husband needs a minor kick up the bum, he should be gatekeeping during these very early days, explaining that if potential visitors are ill can they please stay away. Or at the very least said as pp suggested, let's have baby back, you are sneezing and coughing over his little face.

I hope baby feels better soon - and congratulations.

Pippa12 · 26/11/2022 06:16

I agree they shouldn’t have come, but imo you’ll sound daft hitting the roof after you let them in then let them hold the new baby for hours. I wouldn’t say it was rocket science that the tiny baby would contract the cold.

Chalk it up to experience, be more assertive in the future and save yourself the disagreement, the ship has already sailed!

Conkersareback · 26/11/2022 06:16

ShirleyPhallus · 26/11/2022 04:59

these replies are so odd. If you felt that strongly you wouldn’t want someone ill handling your baby why would you let them “cough and splutter everywhere” while holding your baby and not just say “oh you seem unwell, I’ll take the baby from you so he doesn’t catch anything…..” at the time? Seems really weird to be so angry with them after the event but not to say something at the time

This

Waitingfordecember · 26/11/2022 06:26

I know of two babies in hospital with Bronchitis from catching RSV at the moment. I’d be furious with them.

User38899953 · 26/11/2022 06:28

You should have said to them at the time that they were clearly ill and not to hold baby.

PizzaPizza56 · 26/11/2022 06:38

I wouldn't have let them in with colds, it should have been your DH who told them not to come on the day though, it's his family.

My aunt had no symptoms when she met my baby and later tested positive for covid. She felt awful for exposing a new baby to it but there's nothing she could have done because she didn't know she had it. She wouldn't have come if she'd had symptoms. I had to talk her down and say it was fine! I'd consider this a normal reaction!!

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