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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Poorly baby and in laws

57 replies

satelliteheart · 26/11/2022 04:42

Let me start by saying, I love my in laws, they're a lovely family and we genuinely get on very very well. So this is not a typical mil bashing thread. Also this is my 3rd child so definitely not pfb but happy to be told IABU and just need a sanity check

Ds3 is 10 days old. Last weekend (so he was 4/5 days old) my sister and her family were due to visit. She called me in the morning to say she had a rotten cold and so they wouldn't come as she didn't want to make ds3 unwell. All fine, I said we'd rearrange when she's feeling better

The next day we had dh's family round. Mil and fil showed up with bad colds, coughing and spluttering everywhere all day, then both held ds3 for several hours. (Also worth noting they'd already met ds the day after he was born so it wasn't their first chance to see him)

Now my 10 day old baby has a cold, he's really snotty and struggling to breathe and I feel awful for him. I'm so annoyed at in-laws for coming round when they were so ill but not sure if I'm overreacting or not? I'm not an overly precious mother and always feel it's better for the kids to be exposed to things to build their immunity but ds is so tiny and it's really wound me up that he has to deal with a cold in his first few weeks of life

So I'd like to know how others would feel in this situation

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 26/11/2022 06:42

They are stupid to do that. I didn't see my GC until he was 10 days old, as I'd previously had a cold and wanted to be germ free.
Honestly the stupidity of some people.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 26/11/2022 06:59

This happened to me, my friend brought her snotty toddler round to visit my two week old baby. My baby then caught it and so did my toddler.

People are such selfish pricks. I’d never dream of visiting a newborn when sick. Unacceptable. I’m not surprised you’re cross. So unfair on you and your poor wee DC.

romdowa · 26/11/2022 07:06

Why did you let them hold the baby? Surely that's on you? I'd have said sorry , you're smothered with a cold and I don't want the baby to get sick. Instead you sat there for hours while they coughed all over your baby for hours? Yet its all their fault?

YenneferOfVengabus · 26/11/2022 07:11

They shouldn't have come and you shouldn't have let them hold your baby.

cookiesbeforepookies · 26/11/2022 07:15

romdowa · 26/11/2022 07:06

Why did you let them hold the baby? Surely that's on you? I'd have said sorry , you're smothered with a cold and I don't want the baby to get sick. Instead you sat there for hours while they coughed all over your baby for hours? Yet its all their fault?

At 4 days post-partum, OP would have needed her DH to step in for her with her in laws.

RampantIvy · 26/11/2022 07:15

Of course the OP isn't over reacting Hmm.

The baby is 10 days old, not 10 months. Small babies get hospitalised with RSV.

The lack of understanding and empathy from some posters is mind boggling.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 26/11/2022 07:22

In all honesty if anyone came to my house full of a bad cold I’d be raging. Let alone a newborn.

AliceThroughTheLookingGlass · 26/11/2022 07:31

As a mother of a baby that was intubated at 2 weeks old from ‘just’ a cold I would be pissed off. In my case it couldn’t be helped as their older sibling brought it home.

They were unreasonable to come round ill, you/your DH should have turned them away at the door though (as difficult as that can be)!

Original poster
satelliteheart · 26/11/2022 07:39

Thanks for all the responses. To give some more info, we had a lot of dh's family here and only mil and fil had colds so to begin with he was being held by the non-poorly members of the family and it was a while before I realised he'd been passed on to mil and then later fil. Also I was 5 days after a c section, on a lot of pain medication still and not particularly mobile so couldn't always see who was holding ds/move to keep an eye on him and not at my most assertive and not thinking straight. I'm not going to say anything to in laws now, I'm just quietly annoyed and wanting to know if I'm overreacting. I know some of the responsibility is on dh and I for not putting our foot down, but they'd travelled a long way to see us so turning them away would have felt extreme. I felt they should have cancelled themselves like my sister did

But good to know most people don't think I'm being overly precious

OP posts:
SchrodingersKettle · 26/11/2022 07:45

I'd be very upset with them. Very selfish and thoughtless and they shoudl have known better.

How could you not say anything?

RambamThankyouMam · 26/11/2022 07:47

Why did you let them hold the baby for so long when they were clearly sick??

You're going to have to learn how to advocate for your child. Having no boundaries is crap parenting.

NCFT0922 · 26/11/2022 07:48

Well why did you let them hold him for several hours when they were clearly so unwell on arrival?

aSofaNearYou · 26/11/2022 07:48

satelliteheart · 26/11/2022 07:39

Thanks for all the responses. To give some more info, we had a lot of dh's family here and only mil and fil had colds so to begin with he was being held by the non-poorly members of the family and it was a while before I realised he'd been passed on to mil and then later fil. Also I was 5 days after a c section, on a lot of pain medication still and not particularly mobile so couldn't always see who was holding ds/move to keep an eye on him and not at my most assertive and not thinking straight. I'm not going to say anything to in laws now, I'm just quietly annoyed and wanting to know if I'm overreacting. I know some of the responsibility is on dh and I for not putting our foot down, but they'd travelled a long way to see us so turning them away would have felt extreme. I felt they should have cancelled themselves like my sister did

But good to know most people don't think I'm being overly precious

It sounds like your DHs family are generally quite inconsiderate.

It should have occurred to them to forewarn you or cancel when they were ill, and there shouldn't have been a lot of them there 5 days after your C Section in the first place.

I would be fuming about this, it's really selfish behaviour.

TinFoilHatty · 26/11/2022 07:50

RambamThankyouMam · 26/11/2022 07:47

Why did you let them hold the baby for so long when they were clearly sick??

You're going to have to learn how to advocate for your child. Having no boundaries is crap parenting.

This is really unkind. OP is recovering from a C section, she has said she was in a lot of pain, and not really mobile, and not feeling her usual assertive self; don't be calling her a crap parent, please. Point your finger at her husband and the visitors.

JFDIYOLO · 26/11/2022 08:00

You and your husband need one of those conversations where you discuss what's best for your child and what you both want and how that will happen.

I wonder if the reason neither of you said anything at the time but you're now pointlessly fuming over it to a bunch of strangers is because you both felt powerlessness at the time to be assertive towards the grown-ups?

Time to agree that it's not an adult/child situation when he's dealing with his parents, it's adult/adult. And that can be a hard shift, but now he's a parent, he and they will have to make it.

Time for you both as a united front to tell them that in future if they have a cold that they won't be able to visit until they're better. This is your child.

Wibbly1008 · 26/11/2022 08:02

Tell them clearly you baby has caught their cold and is now sick. Tell them in future they must not come over when sick. It’s important they know what trouble they have caused.

JFDIYOLO · 26/11/2022 08:04

You're not overreacting - you were responding to the situation where you'd just been through surgery, recovering physically and mentally and vulnerable yourself. The in laws were thoughtless and careless. Seeing your baby sick is upsetting. Time for that conversation.

Shemovesshemoves21 · 26/11/2022 08:08

I probably wouldn't say anything to them now - what's done is done. In future when arranging a visit from them (or anyone) just say "If you've got a cough or cold we'll need to rearrange so he doesn't catch it". No sense in causing any upset with people you get along with in general at this stage.

iratepirate · 26/11/2022 08:11

Given that my MiL has form for cancelling family events for the risk of a cold as she claims that colds affect her so much worse than they do anyone else, if they’d pulled this I wouldn’t have let them in the house tbh.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for being annoyed; it was careless and selfish of them. I do, however, think it was unreasonable for allowing them to “hold baby for hours” when you knew they’d arrived with a cold.

cookiesbeforepookies · 26/11/2022 08:24

iratepirate · 26/11/2022 08:11

Given that my MiL has form for cancelling family events for the risk of a cold as she claims that colds affect her so much worse than they do anyone else, if they’d pulled this I wouldn’t have let them in the house tbh.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for being annoyed; it was careless and selfish of them. I do, however, think it was unreasonable for allowing them to “hold baby for hours” when you knew they’d arrived with a cold.

Surely your MIL is entitled to do what she wants in her own home to protect herself from illness?

Fourmoos · 26/11/2022 08:28

My baby died at 7 weeks as a result of a respiratory tract infection which then turned into sepsis.

TinFoilHatty · 26/11/2022 08:30

Fourmoos I am so, so sorry.

WonderingWanda · 26/11/2022 08:30

It's a bit thoughtless of them especially as they's already met him. You have my sympathy, a ti y baby with a cold is not nice. One of mine got so bunged with snot he kept projectile vomiting to clear his airway. I ended up holding him all night.

Fourmoos · 26/11/2022 08:43

Thank you TinFoilHatty. He was fit and well prior to that.

ShirleyPhallus · 26/11/2022 08:44

Fourmoos · 26/11/2022 08:28

My baby died at 7 weeks as a result of a respiratory tract infection which then turned into sepsis.

How awful, I am so sorry Flowers

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