Denying your DH sex

[T90]

My husband goes in a massive huff with me if he’s up for sex but I’m not.

We have a 7 month old and a 3 year old. I’m running around all day with the kids, cleaning, cooking, getting the kids out and about etc. By the time I do all the dinners, clean up, do the kids bath and bed, I’m just done. Im also up every night doing all the baby’s feeds.

We have had sex every other week since the baby was born but I’m just shattered all the time. He just rolled over and fell asleep the last time we did it and I felt pretty crap if I’m honest almost the point of feeling used.

I understand his need to get close and we have a great relationship but this whole going in a huff is becoming more and more regular.

AIBU?

OMG. I have not read all the replies but only one word comes to my mind. DIVORCE. He is using you for sex, in fact, as someone on the first page said, this is rape. Get away from that vile man immediately. Refuse sex immediately. And get a divorce.

@Richielogic what is wrong with being ‘feministic’ and centering women?

Some of these replies to Ritchie are pure spot on and made me laugh out loud. Ritchie, you are likely correct that this man feels unwanted. He IS unwanted in this regard. She does not want to have sex with him just now and he is trying to manipulate her into it with moany behaviour. This is rape, sorry you don’t like this.

If, as an adult, he feels unwanted, he needs to sit down and express this and ask her how she feels, propose solutions etc. None of his inability to handle this situation is the OP’s fault, no matter how much he or you would try to suggest that. I’m all for hearing the other point of view but you actually need to listen to yourself and stop pontificating.

@Pjsandhotchoc Fair play to you, you raise a VERY valid point, he needs to do more and should make effort communicating with her also, she doesn't know what he's thinking either and you are right, it's not all down to her chatting with him on one side. DH needs to up his game.
But i'm just guessing that he is full time working or doing something other, not paying attention to the situation, i'm not making excuses for him but it sounds like he is totally oblivious, for whatever reason, thinking shes coping just fine. Yep totally agree he should be more considerate and be aware of what's going on, totally agree it isn't right but for whatever reason he's not getting it. First step is for her to spell it out to him, hopefully he may open up more and communication starts flowing again.

How old was your baby when he started to pester you for sex?

I have a really uneasy feeling about this.

OP I understand you are still post partum and don’t want to rock the boat now and that’s understandable. But trust me, you don’t have a “great relationship”.

Your husband is behaving like a sulky child. He believes himself to be entitled to your body and had no concern for your physical or mental wellbeing.

I think you know you need to get out, maybe not right now but soon.

Are you going back to work?

@Richielogic

Due to him feeling rejected so often, the time that he rolled off you I’m betting he was already tired but took the sex anyway as it had been a couple of weeks

'Took the sex'

You realise sex should be something people do with each other, not something men do to women or 'take' from women.

men are not telepathic, they are simple creatures really, they don’t pick up on hints and things they need women to be direct and spell out what they want.

Stop infantilising men. The decent ones do pick up on those and the decent ones don't need their partner to spell everything out.

The second thing you need to do is explain you also have needs and need more help with the childcare.

A partner who needs you to 'explain' you have needs is not a suitable partner to have a healthy relationship with.

And men parenting their own children shouldn't be called 'help'. They aren't doing the woman a favour by parenting their joint children.

Hopefully there’s a chance soon your mum could take the children off you for a weekend or at least a day off once your youngest is old enough so you can do something as a couple.

Interesting you suggest her mum and not her parents. It's almost like you see anything childcare related as women's work isn't it?

I’m now awaiting the feministic, anti men backlash now to my post we see so often on MN these days but a different perspective imo can help resolve rather than just one sided view points.

Hopefully you can read my points above and take them on board / actually listen to them before labelling me anti men. It does nothing for the debate for you to label people before engaging with them. An open mind would be preferable.

Also feminism literally means "the advocacy of women's rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes." Feminist isn't an insult. Do you believe women and men should have equal rights and opportunities? Hopefully. Then you're a feminist.

Oh my fucking good god… 🙄

Explain it to him. The chores that you do make you exhausted. If he pulled his weight and ensured that you were not exhausted then things would probably be different.

Oh no. A woman. With an opinion.

Yes, you're obviously right. It was completely out of order for me to assume a human woman had given birth from her vagina and not used a surrogate. 🤔Surely the most likely situation.

Now, she may have had a C-section, yes. Do you think major abdominal surgery where they removed a bowling ball is less traumatic? Or I suppose you feel blow jobs are always available?

24 years of being a bad sexually coercive partner doesn't give you any authority to speak on relationships.

I may well be a bitch. But you sir, are a homophobic rapist.

He clearly doesn't see women as equal, so I'm sure he is most certainly not a feminist.

@PrincessPoodle

He clearly doesn't see women as equal, so I'm sure he is most certainly not a feminist.

Oh absolutely.

I'm interested as to whether he would describe himself as seeing women and men as equal though.

Many misogynists claim to.

This is a man with a history of aggression towards females in his own family. I recognised his username.

Due to him feeling rejected so often, the time that he rolled off you I’m betting he was already tired but took the sex anyway as it had been a couple of weeks, but in his head was thinking you were not that interested and simply “doing him a service” and went to sleep after probably in the belief that you didn’t want anything further from him and were not that bothered so you were happy to be left alone and him get some sleep.

Holy hell @Richielogic You do talk crap.

Oh, yes, he's probably used the words "I'm all for equality" at least once! They always do 🙄

Sex is something that happens between two consenting adults. If one of them isn’t willing and consenting, then that’s abuse. That applies to all adults, married or not.

Wow, I don't know how you manage it!
Ds1 I don't think we did it for over 6mo and even then I had difficulties actually doing it and needed physio so things didn't resume till after 1 year.
Just had child #2 and I expect it'll be the same. Husband is in the spare room so he has energy for work and managing the toddler at the moment. It'll probably be like that for another 6 months.

@Richielogic doing him a service

She’s talking about sex, she’s not taking his car for an MOT.

All for equality, but listen up little ladies, you better be in awe of my manly opinion which will trump yours. What, you just had a baby? Oh well, there’s always the mouth.

Oh…your husband is shit in bed, uses you for sex and then rolls over and falls asleep straight after, ignoring your pleasure. Well, what’s wrong with that?
Oh he doesn’t help with his kids or around the house? Righhhht, but he’s contributing financially and keeping a roof over your head. Be grateful and give the man some sex.
Oh you’re not happy? Well what YOU need to do (on top of everything else) is tell him you fancy him. He’ll stray otherwise.

FFS RichardLacksLogic (your new username) wake the hell up and stop being an idiot. Here’s what should actually happen… the man in this situation should step up and be a parent and do something/anything to help this poor lady. He needs to stop raping the mother of his children and if/when she’s ready for some sex with him (which she has actually been doing weekly) he should stop using her as a human sex doll and give her some pleasure. She does not need to add to her workload or mental load by sitting him down and telling him how much she fancies him 🙄

@Richielogic Honestly please just go and start a blog or an interminable Twitter thread, maybe a Substack or self-publish a book on Teh Poor Menz. Stop using Mumsnet as your verbal wanksock

😂😂😂

Ew, so he’s homophobic too?

Riche, you poor little man, I would suspect that those men who are keen to feel wanted, aren’t pumping away for 2 minutes and then rolling off and going to sleep to a round of applause from their affair partner. I suspect they’re actually putting some effort in. It’s weird I know, but us “females” don’t go weak at the knees for crap selfish sex.

Send our condolences to your bored frustrated wife from us, won’t you?

I think he honestly believes he's doing a 'service' by coming on mumsnet and informing and directing ladies.

You're not depriving him of sex. Nobody is entitled to someone else's body.

Why don't men like this realise that their chance of sex would increase if they were active and involved fathers, pulled their weight around the house and showed some affection to their partners that doesn't revolve around being a sex pest.

You don’t owe him sex. A marriage certificate is not a contract to say you’ll give him sex. You are entitled to bodily autonomy.