Denying your DH sex

[T90]

My husband goes in a massive huff with me if he’s up for sex but I’m not.

We have a 7 month old and a 3 year old. I’m running around all day with the kids, cleaning, cooking, getting the kids out and about etc. By the time I do all the dinners, clean up, do the kids bath and bed, I’m just done. Im also up every night doing all the baby’s feeds.

We have had sex every other week since the baby was born but I’m just shattered all the time. He just rolled over and fell asleep the last time we did it and I felt pretty crap if I’m honest almost the point of feeling used.

I understand his need to get close and we have a great relationship but this whole going in a huff is becoming more and more regular.

AIBU?

You are not denying him sex. That makes it sound like he's got the right to use your body whenever he likes!
If you don't want sex, that is your right!
You're his partner, not his wank sock!

I think you are being very unfair to men, Richie.

You paint a picture that suggests men are really stupid. Incapable of communicating, don't understand basic things unless broken down for them like they are 5, can't understand other people's needs, don't have basic adult life skills, need to be given really simple instructions for things that are common sense and are so fragile that you have to take great care to not offend or upset them and any criticism must be sandwiched between praise and reassurance.

That's hugely insulting to men imo. My husband is certainly not selfish and stupid and nor are my sons.

Can her father not help to facilitate her being fucked when she doesn't want it, or is that solely a mother's job?

Do me realize how creepy they look when they post on these threads? I don't even venture into the sex topic because it's full of "Ritchies"

That poster is on every “anti man” thread at the moment with a lengthy spiel about “Now hold on, gals, a little manly perspective here. Please, won’t someone think of the penis!” Best ignored.

OP, what does DH bring to the party? You’re run ragged by two small children, you’re doing all the night feeds, you’re having sex you don’t appear to want on a weekly basis, and said sex involves DH rolling off and falling asleep, and you’re getting huffed at. Show me the good points.

I think this is different if your sex drive was low before the kids. Your DH would surely need to be happy also. Long term its issue and you would both need to be on board with "plenty of other good aspects to a relationship"

Why do they always rewrite War and Peace though? "I am not just going to be boring, I'm going to be boring forever"

Consent can not be given if they’re coerced. How can it not be helpful to point that out?

You want people to stop pointing out facts because YOU don’t find it helpful.

Your entire posts smacks of ‘men are not full functioning adults and can not see anything that’s going on around them. They can’t be expected to behave like a decent husband unless you explain ever single detail to them’

Why do you believe men are like young children? And should be treated as such? Op has 2 children. She doesn’t need another that she has to teach just so she can expect some basic understanding about how difficult things are at the moment. He is aware there’s 2 young kids in the house.

The whole explanation for why he rolled off and went to sleep, is ridiculous. He came, rolled off and went to sleep because he was actually doing her a favour? Any decent man I have been with, wouldn’t have wanted to have sex if they felt I was just doing it to ‘service them’. They have wanted enthusiastic consent or not have sex at all. And rolling over to fall asleep immediately, is not doing the other person a favour. If you want sex to feel close, that’s the exact opposite. If he wanted to do her a favour, he could have not had sex if he knew she didn’t really want it. Rather than simply getting what he wanted.

@IncompleteSenten fair point, was a bit of a generalisation, I get it, not all guys need it spelling out but a massive percentage of guys do and certainly in the OPs situation. Noted.

@PrincessPoodle 1. OK, OK meaning mum or DAD, jeeze, and it's not about facilitating being fucked as you so nicely put it, it's about suggestioning ways to help the OP resolve this current marital indifference and find time for each other in a LOVING relationship without kids demands. 2. Oh get over yourself, if you post a question on a forum it's going to attract different replies. 3. Yes well done third post from you to knock my reply. Make a constructive comment to answer the OP and drop insulting other view points. My post was long as i took time to consider the situation fully.

@stuntbubbles Yes, reply as expected. Look the OP is looking for opinion to consider how to deal with the situation. IF the OP only gets replies from one perspective how does that help? And I'm not calling you a Vagina, am I? Your comment is one dimensional

Perhaps if he did dinner and cleaned up after, you wouldn't be so tired !!

I'd tell your lazy selfish arsehole of a husband that you have a limited amount of energy and he should try thinking about how to stop you feeling exhausted.

Yuck. This is why I live alone. I'm much happier now.

The belief that "he'll just have to go without" is very naive. The sex and hookup sites are full of these guys. A great many of them are not "going without".

@Januarcelebration 1. OK, play on the consent aspect. We all know this already, it's not rocket science, but the OP doesn't want her husband arrested she is clearly looking for a way to resolve. They have a clear communication issue.

2 No, i'm not saying ALL men are like children, I'm saying nicely her DH is NOT getting it, she is not communicating her situation, the guy is likely totally bloody oblivious to her situation and thinks her position is fine and that she's coping and can't understand the issue. I'm saying this is common because a high percentage of guys need clear instruction and need telling clearly. Her DH is NOT telepathic.

3 The roll off thing, you can't know, you weren't there. I have only given a different perspective on that. The OP will know the prelude and background leading up to that specific night but again communication of needs was lacking.

If he treats you like a wank sock when you do have sex, you're hardly going to be clamouring for more.

Tell him to shape up.

So a man fails to do his fair share of the work, let’s his wife get utterly exhausted doing everything, and he gets to take on a mistress as well?

nice to see things have progressed from the 1800’s

Can’t he do night feeds? Or take turns at least?

Leave. You are me 25 years ago, he doesn't respect you so it won't get any better.

He sounds lazy and a crap shag. Can he not understand why you don't turn off the hoover, throw off the jumper covered in porridge and then into a strumpet?

Lazy in not doing anything in the house, lazy in not having the imagination to think of what your life is like.

You don't deny him sex, you're not a biscuit tin withholding treats. You don't engage in intimacy because it would be on a physical basis only. You need personal intimacy, to be seen as a full person.

There is no consent aspect to play. It’s not a game. And I wasn’t talking to the Op. I was talking to you and your premise that that calling someone a rapist isn’t helpful. If it’s factually correct, it’s factually correct. What’s not helpful is trying to coerce consent. The behaviour isn’t helpful. Pointing out what that behaviour is, is always helpful. So instead of telling people it’s not helpful to correctly label the behaviour, why not focus on the fact that the behaviour is the problem.

Her dh doesn’t need to be telepathic to know his wife is struggling. That’s she is busy with 2 young children. You did keep repeating that ‘men’ needed to be treated in a way a child is. The fact that he appears to not be getting it means nothing. He is an adult who can see what’s going on around him. He shouldn’t need explicitly telling. Saying you don’t notice your partners needs or struggles because you just don’t IS poor behaviour.

The rolling off? It’s the most ridiculous explanation. He is badgering her for sex, gets it, rolls off as soon as he get what he wants and falls asleep as a favour leaving her feeling like shit. And he can’t be expected to know that’s a poor thing to do and op should appreciate his attempt at putting her needs first? All based on the fact that you presume he knew she didn’t want sex in the first place, yet did it. You put forward the premise that he knew she didn’t want it and did it anyway to fulfil his wants, then tried to make he sound like he did it for her.

Maybe spend less time telling women they should accept poor behaviour, that it’s not ok to point it out and it’s their job to fix and look at why men think this behaviour is ok and go find them to tell them why it’s wrong.

@Richielogic I don’t disagree with everything you’ve said. It did strike a chord with me about the Husband not feeling desired and how this has an effect on him. I know, take away any additional circumstances, if I went from having a healthy sex life with my husband, to him suddenly only wanting sex every other week, and on top of that only wanted it when I initiated it, I would feel very hurt and upset.
In saying that, the bigger picture here is that the husband isn’t stupid, the situation isn’t without a change in circumstances and while you repeatedly talk about the OPs lack of communication, the husband hasn’t communicated either. How can he be completely oblivious that children have come into the picture and that this changes things for the OP? How can he not see that she isn’t interested in sex at the moment, and not ask why? You seem to have shifted the responsibility for resolving this onto the OP. What she needs to communicate and what she needs to do, when the person at fault here is the husband.

She had a bowling ball out of her vagina 7 months ago and has two babies to look after. He's not going without!

If my husband had a walnut removed from his dick I'd not expect him on top game within the year.

THIS

I think you need to have a good sit down chat with your husband and make it clear what YOU need from him. Make it clear that this is never going to get better if he doesn't put max effort in and to not even try for sex if he's not pulling his weight. And not just for a week or two either he needs to back off, with full effort for at least a month and see how he goes. He might just be too exhausted after all this which will give him a decent taste of your life.
Also remind him that if it's just him getting his own needs met with sex and rolling over and going to sleep you're just not going to want it either. He needs to put an effort in making you feel desired and satisfied for there to be a decent sex life going forward.

All this, to me, should be basic knowledge. I don't know why some men don't get it.

You're a man with adult children and don't immediately imagine yourself as the one to look after your own grandchildren, but assume a woman will do it for them. It's interesting. Women have a purpose and it's to be fucked by men.

Evidenced by your previous posting history where you point out out that you've also coerced your wife into sex allowed her to "service you". You also don't believe your adult daughter would want to have sex with another woman and must be going through a phase. You're a vile human.

I agree.