Partner Xbox gaming in evening when I want to relax

[purplehair1]

I’m working long days in a demanding job. I live in my house and my partner of 5 years has moved in with me as he has a job in my city. For context, he earns less than me and works in a job where he ends his day at 3.30. I’m rarely home before 8.
So Friday night I’m coming home at 8, hoping he might have sorted some dinner out. I call him, he’s watching football and is having ‘snacks’ for dinner. So I buy myself a ready meal and wine and get home. I have to work Saturday, he doesn’t. My son is watching Football with his mates downstairs so I sort my dinner out and go up to eat in my bedroom with my partner.
He’s playing some dull game on the Xbox he’s put in our room while watching football on his phone.
I ask (nicely I think) maybe 2 x if we could watch something which we would both like to watch. And explain I would like to relax and enjoy my evening given that I have to work tomorrow (he doesn’t). He continues to play til I get very angry (wine, okay) and turn the bloody xbox off at the wall.
Then he’s angry and puts his earphones on and sulks and refuses to talk to me.

okay I may have stolen one of his earphones and tried to talk to him about how he could have played his stupid game tomorrow while I was at work and now he’s put his old headphones on and has turned his back on me. Am I the unreasonable one?

I think this situation is all kinds of fucked up. On all sides.

You have an adult son who lives with you who you dont want to live with you, who seems to be able to take over your living room without you being able to say anything about it.

Your son and partner do not get on so not sure why he moved in before your son moved out.

Your boyfriend sounds a bit lazy, he finishes work 5 hours before you and doesn't even bother making you both dinner just gets himself snacks

He doesn't want to spend any time with you after work, in a situation where for whatever reasons you are both forced into sitting in the same room he would rather continue playing xbox even though he has already played for a number of hours and doing so means you're having to sit and watch him as you can't to elsewhere.

When you express dissatisfaction with this, instead of listening, he refuses to engage, and you throw a bit of a tantrum.

In all honesty I don't think any of this situation is particularly healthy. I think you need to communicate with him about sharing household tasks and sharing spaces

You have two men who are behaving like children but they are dominating and ruling the roost!!
I think they both need to go .....who's got time for that sh1t

All a mess and I feel sorry for you OP.

The son watching the World Cup with his friends- can’t get upset about, at least he’s being social and it’s a rare occasion. Although what is the behaviour of them all like? Do they treat the house well? If not then the next match they need to go to the pub.

Your partner controlling the telly with a very solitary and selfish activity, his phone also on so he’s making it clear you aren’t to speak… expecting you to sit there and endure it- not on. I’ve been there and it doesn’t end well.

How do YOU get on with your son? If it’s great then keep him. If not he needs to go.

Partner- if he is amazing the rest of the time then great. It doesn’t sound that way though. Have a think if you would be better just getting rid.

For context - son and partner don’t get on or speak to each other. Xbox is in bedroom so partner stays out of way of son. Yes it’s toxic. And I hate having a screen especially an Xbox in my bedroom and would not by choice. Kind of hoping 22 year old son might find himself a job and fly the nest soon as my partner is delightful mostly and generally supportive.

Your partner sounds inconsiderate towards you, that's a given.

But I do think there's also something odd about the deal with your son here. If you wanted to unwind by watching TV, yet you don't want screens in your bedroom, then you should not be coming home from work to find your 22 year old using the communal area and one screen you actually want in a way that prevents you from using it and causes you to slink off to your bedroom to eat your dinner and stare at the walls. Your son has been just as inconsiderate as your boyfriend here.

Are you living with a 16 year old?? He sounds like a cock lodger FFS and he won’t get any better. I can’t take blokes who game seriously once they get past the age of about 21 and also once they’re in a serious relationship. It’s a bit sad IMO.

This isn't working is it? For starters why have you moved a man your DS doesn't like into your home?

Time for this cocklodger to move out.

Way to be rude about a hobby millions of men and women enjoy!

Lots of people complain about adult gamers though on mumsnet

Personally I find the narrow-minded MN cliché of "video games are childish" to be quite sad 😉

Most video games are designed specifically for adults and it's an industry that makes billions every single year.

What's your hobby? Maybe we can all make fun of you instead?

*Personally I find the narrow-minded MN cliché of "video games are childish" to be quite sad 😉

Most video games are designed specifically for adults and it's an industry that makes billions every single year.*

Agreed, it's like saying "films are for kids" because kids films exist. Most aren't and you sound foolish saying they are.

good to see the MN bias out in full force.

Being annoyed about not being able to watch tv, YANBU
getting drunk "tipsy" and pulling out the plug then stealing his ear bud, YABU. And pretty close to being abusive.

Where does it say he works part time? My job finishes at 1.30pm....it starts at 5.30 am.

I don't see the relevance of 'he earns less than me and finishes earlier' better 'context' would be from the sounds of it..he's into football and prefers gaming as downtime whereas I prefer...? What do you prefer op?
From the post above it sounds like you are annoyed at other people enjoying themselves and you were in a bad mood about having to go to work the next day and just wanted to bring them down to your misery level.
Maybe it's time to address the job which it sounds like you resent?

Well the real problem here is obviously the toxic dynamic between your son and your partner. Everything else stems from that.

Was there no other room you could have gone in to relax? If I wanted to watch a show but DP was doing something else (no matter how boring I personally found it) I'd take myself off to another room to watch it on my laptop. Also if you suggest you want to do something but the other person prefers what they're already doing you have to accept that. If you were in the middle of a book and your partner demanded that you stop now (because you'd already been reading for hours!) and watch TV with him, we all know this thread would have been different.

If you're hoping your partner sorts out dinner then you message them and communicate this.

Getting drunk and yanking plugs out of the wall and ripping headphones off someone's ears is absolutely awful behaviour.

If I were you, I would move house and let the other to sort themselves out. I would love to live alone in that situation.

Gads. Get rid of the man child. It's YOUR home.

So your son is allowed to have the whole downstairs, you were expecting the use of your bedroom to relax, where does partner fit in?

That's your house home? I'm assuming your son has a bedroom?

You then stole his headphones and turned his xbox off at the wall when he didnt do as he was told immediatly ( that's bad..you could have caused some issues depending on what the console was doing at the time. I would have been pissed too ) You have allowed an xbox in the bedroom, he was in the middle of a game. Get a tablet and some headphones too, if you want to relax as a couple with different techniques to do so, if you do insist on stuffing yourselves and those techniques into 1 bedroom.

If the issues go outside of this one incident and there is more to his behaviour than this..then that's a different thread. But isolated as an incident, YABVU

These days even a mobile will play tv shows via iPlayer and itv hub so one can watch stuff on that if main tv being used.

Sounds like you 22yo son has taken over the house - delegating you and your partner to your room to live like teenagers while he gets the whole of the downstairs! He’s not even contributing to the house in any way - he just gets to doss there for free and enjoy the best of the facilities while reducing the actual bill payers to living like lodgers in their own house!

Your partner should be able to play xbox downstairs. You should be able to relax in your living room. Son should have watched the game with his mates in the pub. Can’t afford that? Need to get a job/his own place then doesn’t he. He doesn’t get to take over your house by default!

Lobster - it's not the game, it's the behaviour of the player which speaks for itself

What @DrinkFeckArseBrick says. Your partner moving in when your son is in place and they don't get on was a massive mistake.

I think go for a walk after work today with your partner and have a heart to heart - apologise for turning the xbox off etc and reconnect. Could he move out again for a bit, with your promise that you will work on your son becoming an independent adult and having a separate relationship with you?

I do feel for your son a bit. I am not living with my partner yet and that's partly because my son and I are still moving towards an adult relationship and I think it's the wrong time. My son is only 18 so that's quite young. But even at 22 I do think your son deserves a bit of robust support to get going with the next stage of his life.

You do not get to decide how much unwinding he needs. Maybe he wanted an evening to himself. All that you can decide is if you are getting enough from him. Maybe you are not and are not compatible. However if you are seething with resentment over working hours or down time, you need to think about whether or not this is for you.

You have a lack of boundaries will all concerned.
You need proper adult space not eating in bedrooms and not having anywhere to unwind.
And I agree with others why on earth would you allow him to move in if he has a less than cordial relationship with your adult son? I also think expecting your son to set up house independently when he hasn't even got a job is unrealistic to say the least.
Nightmare.

No you’re right @thelobsterquadrille

he should continue to live in her house, take over her bedroom and ignore her.
she should continue to support him and let him live how he chooses without any consideration for her.

Christ some people have fucking low expectations of men!

@purplehair1
this ^