Partner Xbox gaming in evening when I want to relax

[purplehair1]

I’m working long days in a demanding job. I live in my house and my partner of 5 years has moved in with me as he has a job in my city. For context, he earns less than me and works in a job where he ends his day at 3.30. I’m rarely home before 8.
So Friday night I’m coming home at 8, hoping he might have sorted some dinner out. I call him, he’s watching football and is having ‘snacks’ for dinner. So I buy myself a ready meal and wine and get home. I have to work Saturday, he doesn’t. My son is watching Football with his mates downstairs so I sort my dinner out and go up to eat in my bedroom with my partner.
He’s playing some dull game on the Xbox he’s put in our room while watching football on his phone.
I ask (nicely I think) maybe 2 x if we could watch something which we would both like to watch. And explain I would like to relax and enjoy my evening given that I have to work tomorrow (he doesn’t). He continues to play til I get very angry (wine, okay) and turn the bloody xbox off at the wall.
Then he’s angry and puts his earphones on and sulks and refuses to talk to me.

okay I may have stolen one of his earphones and tried to talk to him about how he could have played his stupid game tomorrow while I was at work and now he’s put his old headphones on and has turned his back on me. Am I the unreasonable one?

you're the breadwinner and full time OP, he works part time and earns less, dinner should be on the table when you get in...does he bring anything to this partnership?

My husband plays Xbox a lot. However, we don't have it in the bedroom only in the living room. And we take it in turns with the TV, so if I know there's something I want to watch at 8pm, he plays xbox before or after. It's called compromise. I think you are both being unreasonable falling out over a game console. You are adults.
Also, you could try finding a game you can both play together on the Xbox? There's a lot of two player games which are fun.

Would you say the same if OP was a man? That his wife should drop everything and have his meal ready for him when he walks in the door after work?

And where does it say he works part time? He might finish at 3.30pm but for all we know he could be starting at 7am.

He sounds more like another son than your partner.

Lobster, you're right, op is being selfish and demanding expecting partner to put down a console and chat to her when she comes in from work - a full 5 hours after he finished work - maybe she should give him a blow job whilst he plays his very important game

Would you say the same if OP was a man?
If the OP works harder, longer and earns more then the lower earner with less stress and more free time should take on more of the domestic work to make things fair.
(Sorry I was being melodramatic with the 'dinner on the table' phrase😶)

I don't believe coming home from work is this monumental event that means your partner has to immediately stop what they're doing and speak to you 🙄

If OP wanted to spend time with him after work, she should have said something beforehand - like when she rang him to ask about dinner, or that morning at breakfast, or the day before.

If a woman posted that her DH came in from work, demanded she turned her show off so he could play XBox and then switched the TV off at the wall when she refused, everyone would be yelling about how abusive he was.

But when it's the other way around, the woman is defended and the man is a selfish bastard 🙄

I would expect a partner who gets home at - what 4.30ish ? - to prepare an evening meal when the other partner doesn't get in until 8pm, yes.

However, I would expect people who want to to be able to watch an England game in a World Cup.
In your case, I don't understand why everyone watching football wasn't watching together in the same room
I wouldn't have an X-box in my bedroom though. dh plays sometimes but not if I am trying to sleep or even relax on my bed.
All that said, it does seem your response was somewhat childish.

He sounds more like another son than your partner
I think so too, I think OP has become 'sugar mummy'

I would expect a partner who gets home at - what 4.30ish ? - to prepare an evening meal when the other partner doesn't get in until 8pm, yes.

But if he was home early, maybe he was starving and didn't want to wait until late to eat his meal?

DH and I work different hours and I'm often home later than him - it would never occur to me to expect dinner on the table just because I was working late!

When that happens in our family, the person home later would warm up the dinner.

For starters is he cocklodging?

V much sounds like it!

If so kick him to the kerb! You're better off alone

I think you are being unreasonable because you’ve been stroppy instead of dealing with the root of the problem which is two selfish males dominating the house with no consideration. I would’ve expected the son to vacate the living room when the football finished and I would’ve drank my wine and switched off down there.

Yabu in that you behaved badly, like a child really. However, I appreciate that arose from a frustration at not having your needs met. I also do not understand why your son is in the living room with friends if there is nowhere else for you to be. Your partner has also a right to unwind on a Friday evening, you do not have the monopoly on that. Are you compatible is the question?

It is not ok to steal his earbuds or turn off what he is doing. If a man did it, it would be viewed as controlling and possibly as assault. You do not get a by ball because you are a woman.

Sounds like you're not suited to each other.

Neither of you are BU.

For context - son and partner don’t get on or speak to each other. Xbox is in bedroom so partner stays out of way of son. Yes it’s toxic. And I hate having a screen especially an Xbox in my bedroom and would not by choice. Kind of hoping 22 year old son might find himself a job and fly the nest soon as my partner is delightful mostly and generally supportive.

Fair enough - but he had been ‘unwinding’ for several hours already by the time I got home.

Agree with this.

Very controlling behaviour. And OPs career/job decisions are her own.

If the house has limited rooms/screens available for relaxation then I don’t think OP is being unreasonable to relegate Xbox to downstairs for DP and son to utilise and negotiate between them. Then there is always a free tv in the house for just watching tv.

Yes I would be working on your son. I suspect you would clash less without the weird toxic environment between the two of them in your home and would have more space to both be able to do your own thing or spend time together as you see fit.

This.

Fair enough - but he had been ‘unwinding’ for several hours already by the time I got home.

It doesn't matter.

You can't just come home and demand he stops what he's doing just because you fancy watching TV.

Why did you have a go at your partner for relaxing but not your adult son, out of interest?

If you're trying to get your son to become independent at 22 then letting him hog the living room with his friends might not be the best nessage to send. Incidentally, as son's not working I take it he's not contributing. How come you don't make HIM take over cooking as a contribution in kind?

You didn’t behave or communicate perfectly but it’s obvious that your behaviour comes from frustration.

Fighting for attention with an Xbox would kill any sexual attraction for me. I wouldn’t expect my DH to miss the England game last night but I would be pissed if he was also hogging the tv while watching it on his phone. In that sense, I don’t think you were being unreasonable.

If your relationship is otherwise fine I don’t think the spat last night is anything to get too wound up about but I suspect it isn’t otherwise fine. The atmosphere between your partner and son sounds toxic. Would you spend the rest of your life with someone that your son hated?

I missed that your son isn't working either.

I think you're pissed off with him taking over your house and took it out on your partner, which is hugely unfair.

For context - son and partner don’t get on or speak to each other
So you have 2 'stags' battling for domination of the same territory neither will back down antlers locked.
Your partner is not behaving like an adult.... why are you letting them behave like this?