Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be a fifth wheel?

54 replies

Celia24 · 25/11/2022 19:53

And would you say something?

I'm friends with two women, let's say Sarah and Bex, we meet up every so often. I'm the single one at the moment.

A while ago, after years of women only meet ups, they asked if their boyfriends could join a night out. It was ok as thankfully we bumped into some of my other friends during the night but I felt awkward.

This weekend my friend, lets call her Sarah, has invited me and Bex over to her house. She now says her boyfriend will be there and has invited Bex to bring her boyfriend as well. I instantly don't want to go and actually turned down other plans for this.

Would you be honest in my shoes?

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 25/11/2022 19:56

It's one of those things where I understand if they want to have couples meet ups as well but I thought this would be just us women.

I'm really disappointed as I'd been looking forward to it.

OP posts:
ofwarren · 25/11/2022 19:56

Isn't it 3rd wheel?

Original poster
Celia24 · 25/11/2022 20:00

It is if it's one couple @ofwarren

In my case it would be 2 couples and me. I thought it was going to be a girls night.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 25/11/2022 20:14

I would be honest with them. I wouldn't like that either.

aSofaNearYou · 25/11/2022 20:16

I would be honest with them if you really don't want to go but I would probably try to embrace it unless the context of your meetings has always explicitly been "girl's nights".

I know people on MN are generally very anti partner's joining friendship groups but IME this is the norm, when people get into relationships they start being part of social visits. I've never been part of a girls group or had what anyone involved would refer to as a girl's night, though, they're just social gatherings with various people. Unless the couple's involved are engaging in loads of PDA then they are just people and it shouldn't matter that they're a couple.

CantFindTheBeat · 25/11/2022 20:17

I get it, OP.

You have girls nights, you have partners nights, mixed groups, etc.

I can understand why you feel awkward.

Ginger1982 · 25/11/2022 20:18

aSofaNearYou · 25/11/2022 20:16

I would be honest with them if you really don't want to go but I would probably try to embrace it unless the context of your meetings has always explicitly been "girl's nights".

I know people on MN are generally very anti partner's joining friendship groups but IME this is the norm, when people get into relationships they start being part of social visits. I've never been part of a girls group or had what anyone involved would refer to as a girl's night, though, they're just social gatherings with various people. Unless the couple's involved are engaging in loads of PDA then they are just people and it shouldn't matter that they're a couple.

You've never had female friends that you would go for lunch/dinner/drinks with?

Original poster
Celia24 · 25/11/2022 20:19

Thanks @Ginger1982 - Im not sure whether to bring it up ahead of time or wait until it's confirmed Bex is bringing her partner and then say 'look, I'm going to leave it this time.'

It puts me in an awkward position. I can't very well jump in now and essentially say I don't want her boyfriend to come or I won't feel comfortable. Ah, it's crap. I was so looking forward to seeing them after a rubbish couple of weeks.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 25/11/2022 20:21

I would just say, 'oh are the boys coming too? I think I'll just sit this one out. Maybe we could have a girls night soon?'

Original poster
Celia24 · 25/11/2022 20:21

@aSofaNearYou it hasn't been the norm for me while partnered - my best friend is also in an LTR and never does this apart from in mixed gatherings with couples and singles.

When it happened before with these 2 couples it made me feel quite down. And one couple was about the PDA. It changes the dynamic.

OP posts:
XanaduKira · 25/11/2022 20:21

I understand how you feel Op but if you say you don't want their boyfriends there, you do run the risk of them making plans as couples without you. How would you feel if that happened? If you're ok with that, then tell them, but otherwise I'd be tempted to go along and make the best of the evening. If it's awful, then be honest with them afterwards.

Original poster
Celia24 · 25/11/2022 20:25

XanaduKira · 25/11/2022 20:21

I understand how you feel Op but if you say you don't want their boyfriends there, you do run the risk of them making plans as couples without you. How would you feel if that happened? If you're ok with that, then tell them, but otherwise I'd be tempted to go along and make the best of the evening. If it's awful, then be honest with them afterwards.

I'm fine with that @XanaduKira if that's what they want. I'd just hate to lose the friendships just us as I really value them both.

I already know how I felt the last time & that's enough to go on. I turned down a dinner with some single friends to go to this and tbh I'm wishing I'd accepted the other thing now.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 25/11/2022 20:27

You've never had female friends that you would go for lunch/dinner/drinks with?

I have, but not in a way where us being women has been mentioned and anyone would think anything of a man also being there.

XanaduKira · 25/11/2022 20:29

Then tell them how you feel - you thought it was a girls night but if partners are invited you'll give it a miss, but plan a date now for the next girls night.

Then contact your single friends & see if you can join them as your plans have fallen through.

Good luck Op as it is a rotten feeling.

Trees6 · 25/11/2022 20:49

“I’ll sit this one out if it’s a couples’ thing but let’s meet up in the new year - will be good to see you both”

If they start going out as a four and don’t show any particular interest in seeing you, you’ll know where you stand. But hopefully that won’t happen.

Original poster
Celia24 · 26/11/2022 10:06

Thanks @XanaduKira - well Bex has confirmed her partner will come tonight so I'm not going to go

I actually feel quite upset as I was so looking forward to seeing my 2 friends. I've been through some tough stuff medically over the last month which I just wouldn't mention with the guys.

I know they'll feel really bad about thinking they've upset me but at least they'll know how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 26/11/2022 10:12

Trees6 · 25/11/2022 20:49

“I’ll sit this one out if it’s a couples’ thing but let’s meet up in the new year - will be good to see you both”

If they start going out as a four and don’t show any particular interest in seeing you, you’ll know where you stand. But hopefully that won’t happen.

I don't think it will happen but agree, we'll see.

I think it's a bit socially tone deaf? I wouldn't have invited a single person with just another couple. I don't mind in a mixed group.

I love being single most of the time but im finding Christmas can be a tough time for it!

OP posts:
Cancelledtwiceover · 26/11/2022 10:14

It would depend how they made me feel when I'm around them, don't see it as a problem if it's just 5 people socialising, but if it's 2 couples + you, as in they are not including in conversations, or making you feel like the odd one out, then I wouldn't go.

Orangepolentacake · 26/11/2022 10:17

aSofaNearYou · 25/11/2022 20:16

I would be honest with them if you really don't want to go but I would probably try to embrace it unless the context of your meetings has always explicitly been "girl's nights".

I know people on MN are generally very anti partner's joining friendship groups but IME this is the norm, when people get into relationships they start being part of social visits. I've never been part of a girls group or had what anyone involved would refer to as a girl's night, though, they're just social gatherings with various people. Unless the couple's involved are engaging in loads of PDA then they are just people and it shouldn't matter that they're a couple.

This/I’m the same
if you don’t like their boyfriends, that’s one thing. If you have nothing against them, then it’s just more people to chat to.
then you can instigate the next meet up and say you’d like a girls only night. Also the least awkward way to broach this imo

Cluelessdiyer · 26/11/2022 10:18

I would be pleased that they weren’t treating mE differently because I’m single

I find it really odd thst you can’t hang out with men as well as women in a group tbh

Cluelessdiyer · 26/11/2022 10:20

I’ve read your updates

each to their own

but I think that you’re being ridiculous!

why on earth can’t you all have fun as a group!

they obviously don’t care that you’re single why do you?

Penguinsaregreat · 26/11/2022 10:24

What is PDA?

Original poster
Celia24 · 26/11/2022 10:25

For years we've had girls days and nights out only.

Just recently the boyfriends have been invited. It seems to be becoming the new thing. I care because I don't want to hang out with just couples - I've already tried it and didn't enjoy the dynamic and PDA awkwardness.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 26/11/2022 10:27

Penguinsaregreat · 26/11/2022 10:24

What is PDA?

Public displays of affection.

QueSyrahSyrah · 26/11/2022 10:27

It's tricky. Does Sarah's boyfriend live with her so it's his home you're going to? Does he get on with Bex's partner? I think that makes a difference for me to him just happening to be going round while the girls are there.

Last time we had a girls night my DH drove me there and then him and the DH of the host went off to the pub together, and then came back and played guitar in the garage. Worked out better than her DH just sitting in another room on his own.

I think you might be cutting your nose off to spite your face about tonight if you were looking forward to it. I'd have gone but asked clearly if next time could be girls only (single members of our group sometimes do this and none of us mind, it's a good reminder for the couples sometimes to take everyone into account).