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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this unreasonable to ask of someone postpartum

83 replies

ochrietmastree · 25/11/2022 18:58

having a section on nye. IL’s (300 miles away) have asked dh to go and visit for new year with our toddler. selling it as ‘will be nice for wife to stay home and bond with newborn’ erm?? i don’t want my toddler being 300 miles away for a start, she’s not even stayed the night at my parents down the road yet nevermind anywhere else without me as she still bfs to sleep and through night. and second i will have just been chopped open days before and dh has taken paternal leave to help out at home not to go off to visit other people? are they for f*cking real? i’m pissed off they even asked.

he replied saying unlikely but tbh i wish he’d told them to get real and use their brain for half a second before even asking

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 25/11/2022 20:12

Fucking idiots. It feels like a power play, seeing if they can lure their son away from you at your time in need…

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/11/2022 20:13

They sound insane. Why would anybody think that was a good idea?

Brigante9 · 25/11/2022 20:15

Why do they think he wants to miss precious time with his new baby? Batshit!

Cw112 · 25/11/2022 20:18

Absolutely not, you'll need him at home to help you out since you won't be able to bend/twist/ get out of bed easily for at least the first week. That's an unbelievably unrealistic ask and would be even if you hadn't just had a section. Who wants to have their family split up and be left alone with a newborn over the holidays. Dh needs to step up and tell them that's not happening and he's on paternity to care for you and baby not on Christmas hols.

PinkiOcelot · 25/11/2022 20:21

CarefreeMe · 25/11/2022 19:39

I’m obviously in the minority but I think it’s a great idea!

It’s extremely difficult with a toddler and newborn and you just want to snooze and not do much for the first couple of days, as the baby will just be sleeping but you can’t do that with a toddler as you have the guilt of wanting to show them extra attention.

If you’re not happy then definitely don’t do it but I don’t think she’s a CF as I think many women would enjoy this.
Maybe this is what was done for her and she’s now trying to pay it forward.

Not only are you in the minority, I think you’re on your own.

No way OP. Your DH needs to grow a pair and say no!

CantFindTheBeat · 25/11/2022 20:21

Your in laws are mad, OP.

Even more confusing for your toddler to unnecessarily be away with granny & grandpa and come back to a new baby 😳

PixellatedPixie · 25/11/2022 20:23

You won’t even be out of hospital the day after a c-section. It is considered a major surgery. Would your mil or fil want their spouse to leave them the day after a major surgical procedure? 🤔

whynotwhatknot · 25/11/2022 20:25

I never have had dc so my opinion probably doesnt count but are they mad-it seems theres previous so i wonder what theyre playing at

twice asking their son to leave his wife when shes given birth or about to?

Nosleepforthismum · 25/11/2022 20:26

Maybe they don’t realise how painful and lengthy recovering from a c-section can be?

How long after your c-section were they proposing your DH goes up? Is this due to not seeing you over Christmas? Sorry, loads of questions but trying to see it from their point of view.

If they wanted him to visit in the first few days after having the baby it would be a flat no as you’ll still need help but “in the new year” suggests sometime in January which would be more reasonable (and you may genuinely enjoy the break from your toddler once the baby is here)

cadentiasidera · 25/11/2022 20:29

I read the title of your post and thought yup, pretty much anything anyone asks of someone postpartum is unreasonable (unless it's "Can I get you a cup of tea/ a meal/ some chocolate etc")... but this is bonkers! I hope your husband can say no to them!

Whattodo182 · 25/11/2022 20:29

CarefreeMe · 25/11/2022 19:39

I’m obviously in the minority but I think it’s a great idea!

It’s extremely difficult with a toddler and newborn and you just want to snooze and not do much for the first couple of days, as the baby will just be sleeping but you can’t do that with a toddler as you have the guilt of wanting to show them extra attention.

If you’re not happy then definitely don’t do it but I don’t think she’s a CF as I think many women would enjoy this.
Maybe this is what was done for her and she’s now trying to pay it forward.

After a C section, are you mad?!

I could barely change my daughters nappy without sobbing with pain for the first few days. Never mind cook for myself etc.

Bonkers IMO.

CaffeineMama · 25/11/2022 20:31

notnowB · 25/11/2022 19:16

They've asked. You've said no, which is fair enough. But I don't quite understand the rage Confused

I would be furious if my in laws suggested such a thing. Its selfish and inconsiderate of them to say the least.

I also understand why she wants her Dh to give them a very firm no and I think I would feel the same. However, so long as he doesn't end up going then i wouldn't make too much noise about they way he handles that .

Wdib78 · 25/11/2022 20:34

Section or otherwise its a twatish thing to even consider asking

Original poster
ochrietmastree · 25/11/2022 20:35

Herejustforthisone · 25/11/2022 20:12

Fucking idiots. It feels like a power play, seeing if they can lure their son away from you at your time in need…

i feel the same considering they wanted him to visit right before dd1s due date aswell which is why i feel like telling them to piss off

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 25/11/2022 20:36

Do they do th8is with dh alot ask him to come at inconvenient times

Original poster
ochrietmastree · 25/11/2022 20:37

CantFindTheBeat · 25/11/2022 20:21

Your in laws are mad, OP.

Even more confusing for your toddler to unnecessarily be away with granny & grandpa and come back to a new baby 😳

in addition to this toddler doesn’t even know her family on dh’s side as they never ever visit and anytime we’ve visited they ignore her anyway 🥲 they only seem to want to see her when it’s to inconvenience me lol

OP posts:
ljs22 · 25/11/2022 20:40

Absolutely batshit and beyond unreasonable. DH should be telling them where to go!

CarefreeMe · 25/11/2022 20:40

Have you ever had surgery where they cut you open all the way through, move some organs out the way, cut your womb and then lift a small person out and stitch you up?

Yes and I was so grateful that my sister was able to look after my DD as I was in so much pain and did not feel up to putting a brave face on.

I also looked after my niece when my sister went into labour and have her baby by c-section as it was complicated and they weren’t sure how long she would be in hospital for or how she’d feel when she came out, sometimes you just want to catch up on your sleep without having to take care of your other children.

As I said if OP doesn’t want to do it then she can just say no but her MIL may have thought she was trying to help out.

Ellie1015 · 25/11/2022 20:41

Yanbu. You need his help physically and emotionally. He will want to be with his newborn too and your toddler is going through a massive (and also exciting) change so not the time for extra time away from home. I honestly can't see a single benefit to going.

However dh has said unlikely, so he may not have said the "dont be ridiculous of course i wont be coming" but trust him to manage his parents. If an unlikely is easier then a firm no on the day rather than them trying to talk him round is easier then thats ok too. I have told people "will try and come" when i have no intention of going somewhere as it is easier sometimes.

VariantHela · 25/11/2022 20:42

No I'd be fuming

mathanxiety · 25/11/2022 20:44

They're obviously consumed with jealousy. They can't stand it that DH has his own family and they are playing second fiddle to some baby, and you too, a blow in.

I'd limit contact very severely with them if I were you and DH.

SparkyBlue · 25/11/2022 20:48

I think it might be coming from a kind but maybe a misguided notion that you will be having a long stay in hospital and that it might be a nice and fun thing to do with DD. But then you know them so only you know if they are just being insensitive and ridiculous. To be honest it sounds like something my mother would say. I know I've always had great recoveries from my sections and felt fine afterwards and had no issue's looking after a newborn but I always felt it was the older children that exhausted me and drained me even with DH being amazing so maybe she is coming from that angle that you need to just rest with the baby.

Anymanyall · 25/11/2022 20:51

@CarefreeMe and did your DH also go to your sisters and leave you home alone with a newborn post section?

SunshineAndFizz · 25/11/2022 20:56

I'm fuming for you.

I couldn't even bend down to put my knickers round my ankles (or take the lovely DVT stockings on or off) without my DH's help for at least a week after my section.

Twokidsanddone · 25/11/2022 20:59

YANBU dads need to bond with newborns too. And c section recovery can be rough. You might be up and about feeling OK. Or you might have to sleep upright and it still take you 20 mins to try and get onto your feet through the pain and need DH to help while you sort yourself out. Newborn might be an abysmal sleeper early on and you need DH to help you get some sleep. You might be in hospital longer than planned and really miss your toddler and not want them away so you can spend time with them. There's a whole myriad of unknowns that make it more practical to just say not a chance!