AIBU to ask adult children of teen parents what their experience growing up was like?

[RandomMusings7]

Just this really. What were the upsides? What were the downsides? Are you grateful it turned out that way? Resentful? Did you go on to have children at s young age yourself?

@Slicedpeaches tears in my eyes reading your post and I am an old mum of a 3 year old at 41.

if my son thinks as much of me as you do of your mum, I’ll have succeeded, I think.

My Gran had my Mum at 18 & my Mum had me at 18 also.

My parents stayed together, divorcing when they in early 40’s.

Practical my Mum parented me covered the feeding roof over heads etc - but emotional no. My Dad is & still is a Peter Pan type character- he is very loving but hands off parenting when we grew up, that was all on Mum.

My Mum got pregnant by mistake- but it’s obvious she did to get out the situation she was in. It was a way of getting her out of her own unhappy family home. I don’t think, if she had more opportunities when she was younger she probably wouldn’t have gone onto have any children.

I grew up with poverty. I know they tried to do their best but often made immature choices. Only in their late 20’s did they begin to make better life choices & our lives slightly changed.

I don’t necessarily think it’s because they were young parents , I think they weren’t very good parents. They are good grandparents and love their grandchildren (having younger grandparents didn’t mean more help as they both worked full time!)

What a beautifully from the heart post. It sounds like you bring equal joy into each other's lives

My parents were teenagers when my sister and I were born. One parent went on to be very successful, the other less so, they split up before we went to secondary school but shared custody equally. One parent had a second set of kids. We are really close to both of them and our half-siblings and all our grandparents and we knew our great grandparents and had an extended and very loving family. It hasn’t all been roses but I wouldn’t change it for the world. They did loads of things with us that older parents couldn’t have done, and as a pp said, their careers weren’t settled so we spent heaps of time with them and they still had time when we were at school to build careers, by which time we were old enough to need less intense childcare but they weren’t much older than people who’d done a gap year before university. My sister had kids in her late 20s and I won’t be having any but that’s circs for me rather than an anti-kids decision. My half siblings are all over 20 and none have kids yet though would still be young if they had them now.

I know quite a few children of teen parents (it's fairly common where we live, rural but poor, so cycle tends to repeat). My entirely anecdotal observations is so much depends on the relationship, not the age. Where the teenagers either stayed together or split amicably and sensibly, and put the children first, the kids have turned out just fine (one friend's parents had her at 16. She is wonderful and successful and her parents have just celebrated 40 years together- still only in their 50s of course). The ones who struggle are the ones who have witnessed chaotic love lives and deadbeat dad's (and on occasion mums)

That dickhead boyfriend you had when you were 17 and learning about what you do/don't want from relationships? Imagine being shackled to him for 41 years. Now imagine growing up in that environment

This, only for more than half a century in my mother's case. The one upside that I can think of is that in my fifties I'm a rarity amongst my friends as my parents are still relatively fit and well.

My son had his son at 18 (my DGS). The “mother” was 17. The relationship didn’t work out because she was a child but also abusive and unfortunately DGS suffered abuse in her care. My DS fought tooth and nail and went through an 18 month court battle at age 19 to keep his child. He has has full “custody” (I know it’s not called that now) for over 3 years and is a brilliant parent and DGS is a happy lovely boy. His “mother” failed him and has no contact, I couldn’t be prouder of my son

I had my eldest at 20 so not quite a teen mum. I feel the worst thing for me and us is 1 their dad turned out to be an idiot but that wasn't until his 30's and tbh could happen to anyone and 2 no financial stability of owning a home so we have moved a few more times than I'd of liked to due to landlords selling up. However living in london half my friends still haven't got onto the property ladder in early 30's so that wasn't a given.

I haven't got loads of money or a fancy career but we get by fine and the kids don't go without. They seem to be turning out to be good kids, we have a lot of fun together.

Having been a young mum I was very conscious of my age but actually now I'm a bit older I've realised it doesn't matter what age you are, some of the best mums I know are teen mums. I also know being older having kids doesn't always mean you have a steady home or happy relationship etc. lots of 40's mums I know have split, some have lost jobs and financial stability especially through covid times. Nothing is a given.

My mum was 16 when she got pregnant, 17 when I was born. DF is one year older. DM was / is a brilliant mum and has always been my role model. She has lots of energy and at 65 she still loves nothing better than helping me clean my house from top to bottom! She was 49 when she became a grandmother so has always played an active part in the DC’s lives.

it was definitely hard for my DPs as they both lived at home and although they both had good jobs that they eventually worked their way up in, they had no savings. This was the mid 70s and they were able to buy a house but it would be even harder to do that now without a lot of parental help.

The biggest downside is that DF was a shit husband and nearly as bad father. Being 16 and pregnant in the 70s meant they were under pressure to get married when they should have been boyfriend/girlfriend for a few months then split up. They actually stayed together in a very unhappy marriage until I was 15 which is incredibly sad. Hopefully there wouldn’t be that pressure now. Fortunately DM was then single in her early 30s as I went off to uni and was able to have a second chance.

The other downside was being 15ish and trying to convince my mum that it was ok to go to the local nightclub as I was going to a party in a private room. Being so young meant she knew there wasn’t a private room and I just wanted to go to the club!

Brilliant mum. I realised as an adult she had a very hard time. Real poverty. But she was very energetic and was always more than willing to run around with us, play on rope swings, and be silly. My friends parents seemed very serious and more weighed down with life.

Negative, my dad was an immature dickhead.

I meant to add, the other big upside was that I had very involved grandparents and an auntie who I had a very close relationship with and were always a huge part of my life.

it was drummed in to me not to have DCs at a young age, I was 32 & 36.

😂

Sorry the laughing face was supposed to be at @ofCourseYouHave

I don’t really know else I can put it, she was shit. 🤷🏼‍♀️ But probably because she’s a shitty person not only because of her age. I haven’t got time for lengthy posts with long words, shit sums it up for me.

My mum was 19 and dad 20 when I was born. Then 23 and 24 when my brother was born. I had a totally normal happy upbringing. Mum was still in uni but graduated when I was 2. I suppose they had to wait a bit longer to be financially secure - only bought their house when I was 8. Until then we were renting.
Parents still together. Still happy.
I’m now 30 and they have just bought a camper van. They are going to take a year off life and go travelling throughout Europe.

Go and chat to some people in an Older Persons home - It is only in very recent years that teenage parenthood wasn't considered completely normal. Go back a few years further and virtually everyone was married and starting a family in their teens.

And your point is?

As society evolves we put more and more traditions behind us. The fact that something was standard a generation back doesn't make it good. Doesn't make it bad either. Just irrelevant.

A couple generations back marital rape didn't exist as a crime. Unwed mothers had their babies forcibly given away. What is your stance on those traditions?

Also being a 16 year old girl in the 50s is a whole different affair than being a 16 year old in 2022. Women have other choices now thar just marry and reproduce.

No, it's called selection bias and makes perfect sense statistically.

Those mums are probably not reading this.

Staying with your partner and getting educated improves outcomes. It makes perfect sense that those are the ones responding as those are the ones who are here.

Mumsnet it is not kind to the uneducated generally disdainful of (what they perceive to be) working class.

Also being a 16 year old girl in the 50s is a whole different affair than being a 16 year old in 2022. Women have other choices now thar just marry and reproduce

Again, showing the complete ignorance of anything outside your sphere of experience.

For many girls they don't have or dont see those choices.

I was a teen mum and didn't miss out on travelling or uni or festivals etc.

I would never have done any of that anyway.

@Foxglovesandlilacs86 - oopps, I quoted the wrong post 🙈 sorry. I wasn't being goady to you.

Imagine you only exist because an underage child had so little respect for herself she chose to keep the baby of a boy that used and discarded her as if she had less value than a crusty sock... she did not respect law... she did not respect the importance of her child having a father... she deprived me of that... surely a good/caring mother would not steal a vital familial relationship from her firstborn child??? what kind of monster would do this??? that's right one with less value than a crusty sock... she deemed this behaviour as acceptable... she set the standard... it was good enough for my existence... why would it not be good enough for any other potential mother/crusty sock???...
lead by example??? my example was absolute dirt!!!
I despise that gutterrat for this abysmal existence and as a result of her depriving me of a dad I will deprive of contact with her firstborn child... ooooohhh karma be a bitch... be careful what you wish for... my mother wished for a bastard...

Welcome to the glorious age of Bastards!!!

Thing's may get a lil hectic mwahahahahahaha

Slicedpeaches · 24/11/2022 17:59

My mum was 16 when I was born, she had a hard time- no family around and no partner. But she was, and is, a very good mum.

It was always just me and her. We lived in houseshares until I was seven and then we got a flat
The first house was by a library and we always had tons of books in the house. Our library had toys, videos and audiobooks as well so I had lots of things to play with and she was always around, playing with me, teaching me to read and singing along to the radio.
She worked in a nursery so I could go there at reduced rates.

I was very happy as a kid, a lot of things weren't ideal and it was hard for her but she never let the bad stuff affect me. I was always clean and tidy, so was our bedroom, and she was always around to help me with school and she is the kindest and most clever person that I know.

Its sad looking back at everything she gave up to have me and to keep me safe, she only had her first boyfriend when she was 34 and I was 18. She missed out on so much and I know she must have been lonely. She got her degree part time while I was in school and has a job she loves now but it took so much longer for her to get there than it would have if she hadn't had to raise a child alone at the same time.

..........

hats down do your mum and you. For the first time someone's post brought a tear to my eye

how inspiring, beautiful, pure and true. Thank you

My mum had me when she had just turned 17.
We lived in a hostel for a while as her mum kicked her out when she found out she was pregnant.

She met who I thought was my bio dad (found out he wasn't at 16) and we lived in rough areas but were fed and clothed.

Me & my siblings were constantly smacked and screamed at for the littlest things. They terrified the shit out of us.
We always felt like an inconvenience to them both.

Fast forward to now and they have grandkids who they are the complete opposite with. To outsiders you would never guess how we were brought up.

They worked their arses off to get well respected jobs & live in an expensive area with expensive cars etc. They taught us a good work ethic but also how to be emotionally stunted which I worked hard to change in my younger adult years.

We've all still got some mental issues stemming from our childhood but if you bring that up with them they say it never happened, we are remembering wrong & are ungrateful as they did all they could for us to have "things".

Sorry that ended up being a bit of a rant!

Sorry I've just realised this is an old thread!