AIBU to ask adult children of teen parents what their experience growing up was like?

[RandomMusings7]

Just this really. What were the upsides? What were the downsides? Are you grateful it turned out that way? Resentful? Did you go on to have children at s young age yourself?

That sounds very difficult. I'm sorry!

That must have been really hard, I'm sorry.

I had my son at 19, and my daughter at 23.

Absol-bloody-lutely terrifying, fabulous, hard work and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I went to Uni when my son was a baby, worked evenings & weekends (in the theatre, as I had for years before & after I had kids!), I think the take home both of my (now adult) kids was a strong work ethic, and both saw

(Bloody dog!) And both saw how hard being a young parent was. Daughter has never wanted kids, son probably will but wants to be secure first and foremost (he’s 30 now).

My niece became pregnant at 15 and she’s worked her socks off to have a great job and a fabulous teen daughter.

It isn’t the age of the mother that is the issue (I know some piss poor parents who have children in their 40s), it’s the lack of support & stigma from other, older mothers. I definitely felt excluded, this was even more marked when my son excelled at school from day one (talented little shite lol), with one older mother berating me for their precious first born not being as able as him - how dare a teen mum have a child that is so academic!

I had a really shite childhood, so I strived (and always will) to be the absolute best mother I could be.

Age didn’t come into it.

My mum was 19 when she had my sister and then me 2 years later. Both her and my dad were studying medicine (and just didn't fully get the contraception part I think....). I loved having young parents (still great now), grandparents and great grandparents.

I did want to be a young parent (but after uni) so had first at 26 which isn't young but was easily 10 years younger than our friends. I was also keen to progress at work and thought it would be easier at a junior level to take mat leave.

I loved seeing my parents have their life back in their 40s and would always prefer that than to just starting to have children then.

I think overall it's best to do whatever works for you and there is no perfect age. I would encourage my children to have a solid relationship first, work etc but would be very supportive if they were teen parents. It didn't stop my parents have successful careers, happy lives etc.

My parents were 17 and 19 when my brother was born, a few years before me. Their first home was a rat-infested council flat in a block that was soon to be condemned.

Despite my parents' best efforts my childhood was pretty miserable. They were constantly worried about money and we were constantly being told, "No, we can't afford it." I don't recall them being particularly energetic/involved parents for things like kicking a ball about, but that's likely because they were exhausted from the factory shifts/manual labour jobs they had. Not many career options for someone who left school at 14 and had two kids by 21. My childhood was one of never having enough - despite having two married parents who worked every hour God sent to give us a better childhood than they'd had. I went to a good school with a "naice" reputation, I'm sure because I was so sharp academically, but was surrounded by people who had more. Not affluence by any means, but more than me.

The one positive to that was the focus it gave me to work hard at school. No bloody way was I going to be living as an adult as I did as a child. I have a doctoral degree and didn't have my first child until I was in my thirties. We are very high earners. I often say no to my kids when they ask for things, but it's not because we can't afford it.

I actually think my parents'' experience of teenage parenthood is much more the norm that the MN randoms who pop up to say that they had three kids in a council house by the age of 12 and still managed to get an advanced Oxbridge degree and become CEO by the age of 35.

I cant think of much worse than my kids becoming teenage parents. I think I'd throw myself off a cliff.

My mum was young, but I was planned. She married at 18 and started trying before the wedding. Good parts: her body recovered well, she had bags of energy, she was young enough to relate to us better. When we moved out she was young enough to start a whole new life. She's emigrated now.

Bad parts: she wanted a baby so she had something to love that would love her back. It's a reflection of how messed up she was, not her age, but it did mean she completely emotionally disengaged from us the moment we showed we had a personality away from her. The worst crime in her book is to look away from her, to not adore her like a toddler did.

I would question someone so young intentionally having a child, because I'd wonder why. Why don't they want to live some of their own life first? I've no problem with accidental teenage pregnancies though. I've known some brilliant young mums through various groups I used to run. Accidents don't tell you anything much about the potential parent.

@alanabennett yeah, someone on MN every teen mom is still with the father, has a stellar career, owns a house and is so so blessed to regain her freedom in her 40s while other parents are only starting out. Defies all statistics, doesn't it? Almost like those teen moms who fell through the cracks and bitterly regret it are too ashamed to talk about it...

My mum married at 18, had me at 19. I always liked having young parents. Ive noticed that as we get older that 19 year age gap gets smaller and smaller though😆

No children myself and both my siblings were in their late 20s/early 30s when they had children.

It did always freak me out when I was 37 (which seemed young to me) and I realised that at that age my mum had an 18 year old me. Yikes!

I have a friend whose parents are similarly only 19-20 years older, whereas for both of us most of our contemporaries' parents are 10 more years older.

every teen mom is still with the father, has a stellar career, owns a house and is so so blessed to regain her freedom in her 40s while other parents are only starting out. Defies all statistics, doesn't it?

Well my mum isn't with my dad anymore because he died. She never had a stellar career but has always worked. Her 40s were financially quite difficult and she still had children to support. She owns a far nicer house than I do and has a lovely life (remarried & retired, small pension).

Surely you realise there are some who were teen mums who have made a success of their lives tho?!

There are most definitely those who have no prospects and live in grinding poverty (no money for an internet connection to be posting on MN about their regrets). But to say all teen mums regret their children is a bit of a stretch I'd say.

What is it about teen mums you take issue with?

Full disclosure, I was 21 and we were both at uni when our daughter was born.

Interesting question. My son is 29, I’m 45. I think he had a more difficult upbringing than his younger siblings, I’m more financially stable now and not as young so nights out etc aren’t as appealing. We are very close though, love him to bits and wouldn’t change a thing

My mother was 20 having me (19 getting pregnant) & MIL was 18 having dh.
They both did the best they could but from personal experience I would say they were both too young.
They had not experienced anything of adult life before becoming responsible for another life.
Dh & I talk about it a lot. His mum is still in some Peter pan existence - lives like a teenager & actually shirks responsibility as much as possible. She off loaded so much into him which really affected his childhood.
With my mum it manifested differently- she was literally afraid of her own shadow & is hugely co-dependent on my dad.

I was 35 having my first dc....

My mom was pregnant with me when she was about 16 and my dad was about 19, I believe. By age 21 she has 3 kids, had another one at 29, and last one at 41.

Personally I have HATED having teen parents. My dad is a horrible human being and my mom’s age meant she was extremely vulnerable and easily manipulated (I was planned!) and so I grew up in a lot of abuse. My dad eventually disappeared from our life which was a blessing but didn’t happen without years of legal battles and physical threats from him. My mom always provided for us but lacked the emotional commitment required and needed by me/us and honestly seemed to have had a kids for the hope she would be loved. She went through a teenage crisis in her 40’s (which is when she got pregnant again ironically) in ways that were extremely embarrassing and heavily impacted us kids.

Personally I resent being born from a teenage mom, I ended up well, aka very successful in my career and financially, but with a heaps of mental health dilemmas and struggling with emotions and sometimes physical touch due to my upbringing and the lack of those those things being given to me as a kid, but I would have probably achieved double or triple had I had more mature and emotionally and financially stable parents.

The only pros I can see is the self determination and self-love its given me, because I was so determined to not end up like my parents that I reached a lot of things I thought were beyond what was achievable and possible for someone like me. AND having young grandparents. I am especially close to my grandma who was 40 when I was born and whom I am thrilled to be able to enjoy and experience as much as I can.

Nowadays I am no contact with my dad, and very low contact with my mom so just glad I have my gran.

My parents were teens when I was born. I don't think there were any issues that don't still exist, or wouldn't have existed had they waited ten years. Up side - they're still around. My DH had older parents (by that days standard, not todays) and they are no longer with us.

I had my children young as well. No regrets whatsoever and I'd do it all over again. They talk positively about their childhood. The only downside of not waiting longer is not getting the financial head start, but that wasn't so important to me. Way more up sides.

Mine were 22/21 when I was born which just tipped them into ‘emotionally mature enough ‘ bucket I think. I remember some tough money times as a child and my (much younger) siblings had a totally different upbringing financially and emotionally, which my parents totally forget. They forget the. Years when we had new carpet rather than holidays and reminisce about the European holidays which I never had. But I do enjoy it now I’m In My early 40s and they are early/mid 60s and full of life and energy. They are fab grandparents and I am lucky enough that it overall worked out okay. I defo have trouble relying on people though as that was a lesson I learnt VERY early on. I was the strong one, the smart one, the responsible one. I very much try not to place that kind of expectation on my kids. Who I had in my 30s!

My mum was a teenager, my dad was a little older. I had a wonderful childhood. My parents came from affluent families so that helped. Both of my parents studied when I was a baby/toddler so had professional jobs. I went on lots of holidays, did lots of activities and had a private education. I knew my parents were younger than most but my life wasn't different to that of my friends. Now is when it is great as they are both young and have lots of energy to be wonderful grandparents.
I waent on to have my own children in my early 20s.

My mum had me when she was 17. She's a brilliant mum and my best friend, we couldn't be closer. She has stayed with my dad (they are now in their 50s) and although I know they had some tough times (relationship and financially wise) I had a very happy childhood. I think a lot of credit to that has to go to the fact they both had highly supportive families who helped us out as a family unit a lot.

My mum had my brother when she was 19 and my gosh didn’t we all bloody know about it..

Story of her life. Her favourite sayings are as follows:

When I was your age I had 2 kids and a household to run.

I didn’t get to do xyz because I had a baby to look after

what so you mean you can’t do xyz? When I was your age I did blah blah blah.

Can you see a theme here? 😭🤣😂😂

On another note and I may make another thread about it as it’s my personal projection going on here. But I think there can be a conflict of interest between parenting and personal/professional ambition. Controversial to say I know.
But what I mean is, my mother despite becoming a mum at 19 was still ambitious. Good for her. But what did that mean for her children?
Well it meant us being in all kinds of paid childcare. Nurseries, before and after school clubs everyday. Her being STRESSED about money when she finally bought her first house and always struggling to make the mortgage payments. She still to this day constantly stresses over that bloody mortgage. She had to work full time. She also went to uni whilst trying to juggle all this and raising her kids.
She had a council house and good benefits so she could have focused on her children but she wanted more for herself and rightly so.

Then romantically she made many mistakes with both boyfriends and my two stepfathers. They weren’t terrible men or anything just unsuitable. But in my twenties I also dated unsuitable men as do most people.

My point being, she had the normal wants that many people do. Home ownership, love, education, career etc.
Most people these days get these things first and then have kids once settled. But trying to get these ambitions whilst raising children will often be at the detriment to the children.

When I was little I didn’t care about whether our home was council or owned. I didn’t care if her money came from benefits. But I did care about having my mums time. I did care about having a happy fun mum and not one stressed about bills and deadline.

It certainly made me make sure to do things the ‘right’ way. I went to uni, got my degree. Got a good job, bought a house, dated different guys, holidayed with friends. Found the right guy. Moved in together.
Now I’ve had a baby and my focus is about the baby and family life. I can afford to go part time and not worry. I’m ‘settled’ in terms of ambition because I did that in my twenties. Now if I decide to seek further personal ambitions it will be around my family life. It will be secondary as it’ll be a want and not a burning desire/need. My family comes first.

I have met a few teen/young mums over the years and they all similar to my mum in that way. Not doing anything wrong in trying to achieve their ambitions, but having to put their children secondary in order to achieve it.

Your kids only have one childhood. Mine was spent in childcare or with a loving but stressed mum trying to reach her potential with kids in tow. My childhood would have been happier and so would she if she’d done all that stuff first I think.

Plenty of settled, older and "established" mums put their kids in full time childcare! In fact, out of all the mums I met on my mat leave (2nd child) I was the only one who was a SAHM and I was the only one whose eldest was unplanned.

Just what I was thinking. Most of the 'older' Mums I've known have had mortgages and lifestyles (due to having the higher income to start) and have to work full time to sustain that. I was a SAHM for my young children. Our income could only go up. I definitely put time with my children first.

@Dacadactyl Do they then go home and switch on the laptop to try and meet deadlines whilst juggling cooking tea? Do they also then get in a baby sitter to go on dates? Do they also struggle to pay the bills?

Theres a big difference between that and picking up your kids at 5pm and that being it. No other stresses about bills, romantic relationships, uni deadlines etc. Just then having your focus on your kids and fun family activities.

Again my mum wasn’t wrong. She did all the usual things an ambition young woman does. But she also had small children to juggle whilst doing it. I don’t think childhood experiences should be ‘struggled’ through but enjoyed. She couldn’t fully throw herself in and enjoy it because she was juggling so many balls through it. Wouldn’t have happened if she wasn’t a teen mum so had the chance to do all that first.

My mother was 16 when she had me, I wouldn't recommend it for the child or the parent. I lived with her until I was 4 at my grandparents house. My father had left when I was 3. Mother left to live with a boyfriend leaving me with grandparents. I saw her every other weekend on Saturdays. I don't know if it was her age, but she was always highly critical and unloving towards me. I also experienced neglect, poverty, and abuse. It was a generally unhappy childhood. I did badly at school, and have struggled with depression and low self esteem all my life.

I have two children, I did have them quite young at 21 and 23, but I did my best to be loving and supportive, and they were always warm clothed and well fed. They are both happy successful adults, and we remain close, so I think I broke the cycle of dysfunction. Fingers crossed!

I did kind of catch up with my education once the children were grown, doing a degree as a mature student. I held down a highly stressful professional job for 16 years, so I did go on to have a relatively successful later adulthood despite a rough start.

I am in contact with my mother, but we are not close. I never lived with her after the age of 4. She continues to be judgemental and critical of me. So this might not have been any different if she had had me at a more mature age.

I imagine her life was blighted by my birth, and that her experience of childhood was probably similar to mine. I try to remember this when she's having a go at me about something! The worse thing is that I will always be wishing and hoping for her to love me, and I just don't think that she is capable of it.

DP's parents had him as teenagers at 17 and 3 years later had his brother. When DP was 16 they moved away leaving him to look after his 13 year old brother and pay the bills in the house (!). Fours years later they moved back and kicked both children out, neither have spoken to them in 30 years.

I didn't have the greatest experience. We were well cared for in some senses but there was a definite lack of emotional care. Socially lacking too because our parents hadn't built up any experiences themselves. Money was always a concern. We were lucky that our grandparents filled some of those gaps for us.
There was also an expectation by those in the area that I would follow in my mother's footsteps - leaving school without qualifications and having children young. I'm delighted to have proven them wrong by going to university and being twice my mother's age before having children.