AIBU to ask adult children of teen parents what their experience growing up was like?

[RandomMusings7]

Just this really. What were the upsides? What were the downsides? Are you grateful it turned out that way? Resentful? Did you go on to have children at s young age yourself?

Which publication is this for?

Upsides:

• Young parents had lots of energy for games, playing, days out, etc.
• They're young enough still to be active grandparents
• They're young enough I'm not spending my 40s caring for them (I'm 41, they're 59 & 63)

Downsides:

• That dickhead boyfriend you had when you were 17 and learning about what you do/don't want from relationships? Imagine being shackled to him for 41 years. Now imagine growing up in that environment

I'm not the child but the parent. I was 16 when I had my first, she was 15 when she had her first & he was 21 when he became a father.
I had 2 more kids at 18 & 20. (And 1 when I was 40. But different dad).
My 36 year old had her first child at 19. My 33 year old son doesn't have any yet.
I think they would all say one of the downsides was their dad being useless & hardly bothering with them, especially after we split up.

My mum was 17 when he had me. She was a good mum but life was tough for her (always running to catch up).

She had a bit of a midlife crisis when I was in my teens - I guess to make up for what she’d missed out on.

I don’t think it’s good to have kids young. Not because you’re a bad parent but because you miss out on your own development.

I had my first at just turned 19 and second at 23. Both now left home with lives of their own, we are all extremely close. The upshot being DH and I are still under 50 and now have disposable income and time to live a little, take holidays and generally be selfish.

My Mum was older, 40 when I was born. We had absolutely nothing in common and the gulf between us was enormous. With my DC's we shared music tastes, loves of movies, activities etc so did a lot more together such as festivals and gigs and even skateboarding.

No downsides here.

My parents were 17 when they had me, and I had a lovely upbringing, but I think that was due to having young grandparents who could help and afford to do lots of things with me.

I lost my mum in my 20's ( she was only 43) so actually i'm grateful she had me young as it meant I had more time with her.

However, it was drilled into me not to have kids young as she feels she missed out on traveling and having a career. I had my DS at 32.

Downside - there's only 8 years age difference between my DH and my dad!

I'm sorry about your mom. Losing a parent so young must feel so unfair and heartbreaking 💐

Ouch, that sounds brutal. I guess you could theoretically get stuck in horrible relationships at any age, but being that young, with zero life experience and raging hormones doesn't bode particularly well for choosing a mate for life wisely.

I'm sorry you has to go through that.

The upshot being DH and I are still under 50 and now have disposable income and time to live a little, take holidays and generally be selfish.

that's one of the very few upsides I can see to having kids very young. Must feel great to regain your freedom in your 40s or 50s.

Was your father equally young? I assume he wasn't in the picture much :(

A publication called "I have preconceived opinions about teen parents and I want to challenge them"

My mum was 16 when I was born, she had a hard time- no family around and no partner. But she was, and is, a very good mum.

It was always just me and her. We lived in houseshares until I was seven and then we got a flat
The first house was by a library and we always had tons of books in the house. Our library had toys, videos and audiobooks as well so I had lots of things to play with and she was always around, playing with me, teaching me to read and singing along to the radio.
She worked in a nursery so I could go there at reduced rates.

I was very happy as a kid, a lot of things weren't ideal and it was hard for her but she never let the bad stuff affect me. I was always clean and tidy, so was our bedroom, and she was always around to help me with school and she is the kindest and most clever person that I know.

Its sad looking back at everything she gave up to have me and to keep me safe, she only had her first boyfriend when she was 34 and I was 18. She missed out on so much and I know she must have been lonely. She got her degree part time while I was in school and has a job she loves now but it took so much longer for her to get there than it would have if she hadn't had to raise a child alone at the same time.

As an adult, I am so grateful to her and still think she is amazing.

My mum had me when she was just turned 15. When I was about 18 months old she left me with my dad and didn’t come back for about 3 years!

she came back because social services took me away from my dad because I was at risk, and then got with someone else and had a baby, I always felt very left out of their little family and my mum was really shit in a lot of ways, but I was looked after, fed, clothes etc. there was emotional and physical abuse though.

We are non contact these days which says everything!

however, I don’t think it was all to do with her age, she was just a shit mum!

Mine were 17 and 18 I’m completely nc with one and have a monthly phone conversation with the other but haven’t set eyes on the either for years utter fuckwits the pair of them but my god I’m a good parent can’t think why

I'm sorry about your mom. Losing a parent so young must feel so unfair and heartbreaking 💐

Thank you

My parents weren't teens but DHs mum was 16 when she had him. However his dad was 25 which tells you everything you need to know about him. He was an abusive fuckwit who regularly beat my MIL and DH. Because she was so young and felt shackled to her partner MIL felt like she couldn't leave for the longest time. DH often feels like she could have protected him more (she often witnessed her partner abusing DH) and there's some resentment there, but he still loves her.

She finally left him when DH was 15, and she is now remarried to a wonderful man.

Pros:
They seemed to like fun, there was lots of socialising
They were young enough to work hard and grandparents chipped in as they were still young themselves (spent a lot of time with grandparents who were more like my parents)

Cons:
Father was immature and shagged about
Economic stress so they argued (horrid to live in that atmosphere)
They weren't educated and didn't like me revising whilst at school, going to uni, really negative about it
They had a trial separation so upheaval
They split up and was taken to live at grandparents who I felt suffered us a little, I never felt settled
My mum struggled
I felt deep down she resented me for being born
Dysfunctional family dynamics
Dad a complete dick head who never grew up and wasn't what I would call a father
We were poor
It was stressful

P.s.could have written that.

My relative had her son at 17 while still in college. She has been very lucky and gone on to get a degree and professional job. She is doing well. She doesn't however own her own place yet and still lives at home, but she and her child go on lots of holidays together. He is now nearly 8.

Although she and her child's dad split up when she was pregnant (he was 17 too) he is still in the picture and sees his child and financially provides for him.

What an inspiring, lovely story. Warmed my heart, that has. Good on your mum.

I saw you posting on another thread earlier, very against young parents what was it anyone below the age of 23? How are you planning to tell what is as a consequence of the parents being young and what is just their personalities and how would you know that in 10 years they wouldn't be the exact same parent?

Yes, that's what made me start this thread. I admit I have some prejudice against young parents and I wanted to challenge that and see if it aligns with people's experiences or not.

My mother was still in her teens. She resented me and told me repeatedly. I had a miserable childhood. When I reached the age she was when she had me she hated me even more because I had my freedom.
DHs mum was mid teens when she had her first child. She was was quite hands-off and neglectful and more focussed on herself.
Based on our experiences I would say it wasn’t beneficial to us at all. Everyone is different though, I expect for every person that it worked out badly for, there is someone where it was all for the best.

My mum was 16 and I don’t have the best experience to be honest. Like another poster above she cared in terms of the physical stuff but very little emotional support. I also do not know my real dad (although he is on my birth certificate and I have spent many years toying with the idea of finding him) which means that I only really had one parent and one set of grandparents (even though my mum got married and I have got siblings).

My teenage years were particularly horrible - whereas I was just grappling with being a teenager and pushing boundaries, she took it very personally. Those years definitely affected my relationship with her and I try to keep contact as low as possible.

I think that my mum having me so young impacted her emotional maturity - she isn’t very empathetic about anything, hasn’t got life experience and just comes across - even now - as immature/like a teenager. Everything is about her.

I do love my mum but equally I do feel a lot of my emotional struggles could be attributed to her being so young.

Of course this could all just be my mum but it did feed into my decision to have DC considerably later in life.

Hope this helps!